Please Forgive Me
by Endevour
Summary: Lena wants to tell Stef about what happened with Monte. This information can have many effects on the family, but will hopefully bring them all together. Also contains the continuation of their lives after this event.
1. Chapter 1

**This is just a short about Lena telling Stef about the kiss with Monty. I did not think that it would fit in with the Adams Foster One Shots Story so I decided to make it a different story. I was thinking that it should be a one-shot, but I think that it may be a few parts. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

The accident happened in this story, but Jesus and Mariana were not seriously hurt. They just had some bumps and bruises.

* * *

It had been an extremely long day. Lena had not planned on what happened in the office and she just didn't know what to do about it. She spent a great deal of time thinking about it during the afternoon, but between finding out that Callie could be adopted and the car accident that had scared her half to death, she really had not had anymore time to think about what she would say to Stef. She thought that maybe she should just keep it to herself, but she also wanted to be completely honest with Stef. Right now, she was just glad that her children were okay and she went about preparing dinner hoping not to think about the events of earlier today.

Stef was stuck at work late, so she went ahead and fed the kids and then excused herself to go take a shower. She knew that the kids were a bit shaken up after the accident so she left them to enjoy a movie, hoping that it would help them relax. As she made her way to the bedroom, all she could think about was what she had done to Stef. After closing the door, she allowed the tears to slowly begin to flow. She knew that she had stopped it, but she did kiss Monty back even if it was just for a second. She felt horrible. She knew that Stef would never have let it go that far with anyone else and she just didn't know what to do.

As she took her shower, Lena let the hot water run over her body. She thought about what happened more and more and decided that she could not look at Stef everyday knowing that she did not tell her about what happened with Monty. She knew that they would probably have to work on their relationship and she just hoped that if she told Stef about it that they would actually talk. She hadn't even realized that she had started crying again when the door to the bathroom opened up and Stef walked in. She had heard Lena crying and came to check on her. She knew that the accident had been very difficult for both of them and just figured that Lena was letting out everything that she had been holding on to during the day.

Stef decided that she needed to comfort her wife, so she slipped off her clothing and stepped into the shower w. Lena quickly attempted to stop crying when she heard Stef, but the next thing she knew, Stef was standing behind her. She turned and fell into her wife's arms as Stef kissed the top of her head a few times.

"Love, its okay, let it all out," Stef said as Lena buried her face in the crook of her neck.

"I'm.. I'm so, so sorry Stef," Lena managed to choke out.

"Hey, Lena its okay. Lets just finish the shower and then we can talk, okay." Stef said as she started to wash Lena and then herself. They both rinsed off and Stef stepped out of the shower, grabbing her towel and wrapping another around Lena who was still silently crying.

"Come on Love, lets get dressed and lay down for a while," Stef said as she got out clothes for each of them. After they got dressed, Stef laid down on the bed and brought Lena into her arms.

"Now do you want to tell me what is going on in that head of yours?" Stef asked as Lena held onto her for dear life. A lot had happened today, and Lena had to make a split second decision about what to tell her wife. She didn't know if she could deal with the backlash of this after the day that she had, so she just shook her head.

"I was just so worried about Jesus and Mariana. I am so glad that they are alright. When you called, I just had no idea what to do. At least everyone is okay. I am just glad that you are home."

With that, Lena snuggled into Stef more and just let herself be held. Stef kissed her on the head a few times and just held her. Lena felt terribly guilty keeping this from Stef, but decided that it was just best to wait for a little longer until everyone's emotions had calmed down and she and Stef could be alone. She would talk to her tomorrow and hopefully everything would be just fine.

She and Stef fell asleep in each others arms that night with Lena just trying to remember how it felt in case it was the last time.

* * *

**AN:** So this may or may not be that good, but I am really looking forward to working on how Lena might tell Stef, and how they might get back to normal afterwards. Please let me know if you have any ideas. Suggestions are always welcome and help me out greatly. As for my one shot collection, I have hit a bit of a road block. I have been very busy with school and everything else, but I will try to get working on the next chapter. Ideas and requests are always welcome.

Until next time, thanks for reading.  
Endevour


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

The next morning was very quiet. Stef woke up and found Lena still sound asleep. After the day that they had had yesterday, she decided to let her sleep and got up to start breakfast for the kids. It was a Saturday so she had a little time to herself before getting busy in the kitchen. She went outside and sat on the swing with a cup of coffee in her hand. She knew Lena was upset, but she didn't think that it was just the accident that was the cause. She figured that when Lena was ready, she would come to her, but for now it was just better to let her be and make sure she knew that Stef was there for her.

After spending about an hour outside in deep thought, she was startled by the door opening. Lena came out quietly and took a seat next to her on the swing. After a few minutes of silence, Lena was the first to speak.

"What are you doing out here so early?"

"I was just thinking. A lot has happened recently and it isn't everyday that we can enjoy the silence and spend some time thinking."

"What were you thinking about," Lena asked with a hint of curiosity.

"Just about us and the kids. I think we should spend the day as a family considering what happened yesterday."

"I think that is a great idea. I will take care of breakfast if you go and wake the kids," Lena said and immediately headed for the kitchen.

Stef knew that something was off, but just couldn't figure out what it was and was hoping that spending time with the kids today would give her some ideas. She went and woke the kids, despite the amount of protesting that she faced. When they all finally made it down, they had a nice family breakfast.

"Okay everyone, I think that we should all do something together today," Stef said in a cheery voice.

"I was thinking that maybe we could have a picnic at the park and then maybe go for some ice cream," Lena said as all of the kids got excited.

"That sounds great Lena, everyone go and get ready," Stef said and made her way over to kiss her wife. The one thing that really surprised her was when Lena pulled away. Stef hid the hurt on her face and started helping the kids gather things to take on the picnic. Something was definitely up with Lena and she was determined to find out what it was.

* * *

After the family got set up at the park, all of the kids decided to play Frisbee and took off. Stef just sat there with Lena, watching her. She seemed so withdrawn. Normally in this circumstance she would be laughing and having fun with the kids, but instead, she just sat there with a neutral face.

"Honey, are you okay?" Stef asked.

When Lena did not respond, Stef ran her hand down her wife's arm. Lena jumped with the unexpected contact.

"What?" Lena asked.

"Love, is everything okay? You don't seem to be yourself."

"I'm fine. I guess I just got distracted."

"If you say so. You know that you can always talk to me, yes?"

"I know, a lot has just happened and I am a little stressed," Lena said not wanting to elaborate, but she did take Stef's hand in her own hoping that a little contact would put Stef at ease.

After a while, all of the kids gathered around and had lunch. After some more fun in the sun, it was time for ice cream so Stef and Lena cleaned up their picnic area and loaded everyone up in the car.

After everyone had gotten their ice cream, Stef just sat back and watched as the people she loved the most interacted. The one thing that she did notice was that Lena was not interacting with any of the kids. That right there told Stef that something was very wrong.

After they got home, the kids all went their separate ways. Lena headed into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Stef decided that she had to do something so she got all of the kids together to watch a movie so she and Lena could have upstairs to themselves.

As she made her way into the kitchen, Lena just stood there.

"Lena, can we please go upstairs for a few minutes, I really need to talk to you."

With that, both mothers made their way up to their room and shut the door.

* * *

Stef was the one to start this conversation as she led Lena over to their bed.

"Honey, what's wrong? I know something is up, but you aren't talking to me."

"Stef, it's nothing, really. I just feel a bit stressed out."

"Maybe if we talked about it, it would help. I also know of another way to de-stress if you are interested," Stef said with a smile.

Lena knew that she needed to tell Stef the truth about what happened, but she just couldn't. She couldn't risk what may happen and she was just scared.

"I don't think I am up for what you are suggesting," Lena said with a sad smile.

"I think that you need to relax and a bath is the best way to do it," Stef said, but when Lena didn't responds, she decided that she needed to be more blunt.

"Lena, I love you so much, but I need to know what is going on. You are not acting like yourself and you seem to pull away every time I touch you or try to talk to you."

"There is nothing going on Stef," Lena said in a slightly nastier tone. "And I don't pull away."

"Lena, I don't know what is bothering you, but you need to talk to me now. I can see that you are hurting and I can't do anything about it until you talk to me love, come on." The worry was definitely noticeable in Stef's voice now.

With those words, Lena began to slowly cry. Stef took her in her arms and kissed the top of her head. It killed her to see Lena like this, and she still did not know what was causing it.

"I am just so worried about us Stef. We seem to be so distant lately and I am afraid that one of these days you are going to think that it is not enough, that i'm not enough" Lena managed to sob out.

That statement broke Stef's heart and she held on tighter to her love as the tears began to flow harder and faster.

"I will never think that you not enough. Lena, you are my entire world and I love you so much. We will work on us, and I promise I will do better. I am so sorry if I haven't been there for you lately," Stef said with tears forming in her own eyes. "I have made some mistakes lately, but I promise you Lena, I will do anything and everything that I can to make it up to you, okay."

Lena began to cry harder. Stef was so wonderful and even if their relationship had been rocky lately, Stef was the person she loved. She hated herself for what she had done, even if it was just for a second. She knew that she would have to tell Stef the truth, but she just couldn't right now, not until she knew that they were going to be alright.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters. **

Many thanks to EmayaShipper4eva for some great ideas.

* * *

Stef spend a great deal of time thinking about what Lena had said to her. She knew that she had made some mistakes and she hated keeping things from Lena, but when it came to keeping Callie, that was all that she was focused on. She hadn't taken the time to think about how that might make Lena feel and she felt horrible that she had hurt her wife in anyway. She decided that she had to so something in order to save her marriage and though that a day to themselves would do them a lot of good.

After Lena went to take a bath and relax, Stef slipped out of their room and went to find Brandon. Once she made it down the stairs she asked to see him in the kitchen. Brandon did not know what was going on, but figured it was important and excused himself from the living room where his siblings were still watching a movie.

"Hey B, I was just wondering if you could take all of your siblings out for the day tomorrow?"

"Sure, we can go play mini golf or something. I can find something to keep them busy. What's going on?" Brandon asked with genuine concern.

"Mama is a little stressed out and I think that it would just do us some good to have the house to ourselves for the day and spend a little time together."

"Okay, I will tell everyone tonight and we will get out as early as possible. Just give me a call when you want me to bring everyone home."

"Thank you B. I really appreciate it," Stef said as she gave him sixty dollars for food and whatever else would keep them busy.

She hugged her son and then went back upstairs hoping to join Lena in the bath.

* * *

Once she was back in her room, Stef closed their door and undressed, putting on her bathrobe. She grabbed her pajamas and started to walk into the bathroom.

When she opened the door, she was surprised to see Lena jump.

"I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to startle you," Stef said with a bit of confusion on her face. She was having a hard time figuring out what Lena seemed to be trying to cover herself.

She walked over and started to rub Lena's shoulders, causing the darker woman to relax a little bit. "Do you mind if I join you?" Stef asked, but from the way Lena tensed when she asked made her wonder if that was such a good idea. She had no idea what was going on with her wife, but she was starting to think that it was more than just being worried about their relationship. Lena had never tensed up when Stef touched her before and Stef wasn't really sure how to react.

"I am almost done, but if you want to come in, I guess that's fine," Lena replied.

Stef decided that she did not want to intrude and it really didn't sound like Lena wanted company, so she grabbed her stuff. "I think I just go get dressed in the bedroom," Stef said with obvious hurt and a little bit of annoyance lacing her voice. With that statement she walked out of the bathroom and shut the door rather loudly behind her.

* * *

Lena felt awful about the way that she had responded to Stef, but she just felt guilt any time Stef touched her. She had never been uncomfortable with Stef touching her before, but now when she did or even when she saw her naked, she felt like she had completely betrayed Stef.

When she finally went into the bedroom, Stef was asleep facing the opposite wall. She silently crawled into bed, but made sure to keep her distance so she didn't disturb Stef. Hours seemed to go by as she thought about what she had done. Stef was being so nice to her, but she knew that she didn't deserve it. She had been the one that was going to hurt Stef. She knew she would have to tell her eventually, but she just couldn't do that to Stef right now in order to simply relieve her own guilt.

* * *

The next morning, Stef woke up around seven and decided that she would bring Lena breakfast in bed. On her way down, she looked into all of the kids rooms and surprisingly, none of them were in bed. She made her way downstairs and found a note left by Brandon saying that they were out for the rest of the day. She got to work on breakfast and then got ready to surprise her love.

Lena woke up to a wonderful aroma. She was just getting ready to get out of bed when Stef came through the door carrying a tray with french toast, bacon and orange juice on it.

"Good morning my love, I thought you might enjoy a romantic breakfast in bed seeing that we have the house to ourselves today."

Lena smiled. She loved how much Stef cared and was willing to give her the world. That just brought up the feeling of guilt over what she had done, but since Stef had put so much time and effort into making her breakfast, she decided that she just needed to spend time with Stef and convince her that nothing was wrong.

After a lovely breakfast, both women started getting ready for the day. Lena was in the bathroom showering when Stef came through the door. She could see Lena tense up and turn away through the steamy glass shower door and had no idea how to react other than leaving the room. She went into the bedroom and started getting dressed.

She spent some time thinking and then the cop in her started asking questions. From the way that Lena had distanced herself from the entire family and the way that she jumped or flinched anytime Stef touched her or walked in when she was not fully clothed, Stef was starting to wonder if something had happened that Lena was not telling her. She thought that if something had happened that she would come to her, but with the way Lena kept reacting to her, she didn't know what to think.

* * *

After Lena was dressed, she made her way downstairs to see Stef sitting on the couch. She took a seat slightly away from her and then got very uncomfortable when Stef moved closer and put her hand on her leg.

Stef felt the way that she reacted and decided that for her own peace of mind, she would have to ask Lena some difficult questions.

"Lena, are you alright? You keep flinching everytime I touch you."

"I'm fine Stef, I am just a little stressed."

"That is not what it looks like Lena. Did something happen that you haven't told me?"

With that statement, Lena became rigid. She did not want to lie to Stef, but she couldn't tell her the truth either. "Nothing happened, why would you ask such a question?" Lena said in a very defensive tone.

"Lena, you want let me see you naked, and everytime I have tried to kiss or touch you other than the few times you broke down in my arms, you have either flinched or pulled away or made some sort of excuse. We have been together over ten years, I know when you are not being honest with me and when something is wrong," Stef said, her face and voice showing her concern. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. Did someone hurt you?"

"No Stef, its nothing like that. I would have told you if it was."

"Then what is it Lena, I want to help you through whatever it is that you are going through, but you have to let me in." Stef looked at her reaction and just didn't know what to think. Lena sat there rigid and barely even looking at her.

"Lena, is it that you aren't attracted to me anymore? Is that what this is about?" Stef said, trying very hard to contain her emotions and the pain that was seeping into her voice.

"Stef, how could you even say that. I love you so much it hurts. I am just not in a very good place right now and I don't know what to do about it."

"Lena, are you depressed?"

"I honestly don't know. Nothing feels right. I made a mistake Stef and I don't know what to do about it."

"What kind of mistake love?" Stef asked. Lena seemed to clam up at that point so Stef decided that she need to be pushed a little. "Whatever it was Lena, you know that you can tell me and it won't change anything right? I love you unconditionally and if you tell me what happened, I think that you will feel better. Seeing you like this hurts me so badly."

"I feel guilty okay Stef. I... I messed up and I don't want you to be mad at me." With that statement and the understanding and love coming from Stef, she almost told her the truth. Tears began to form in her eyes and Stef took her in her arms and whispered soothing words in her ear.

"I should have been there for them Stef. Mariana and Jesus could have been killed, and I should have been there for them. I love Callie and Jude so much and I know that we needed to be there for them, but I feel like I let down the twins. I should have known when it happened. Brandon felt it, why couldn't I? I am their mother. I should know when there is something wrong," Lena managed to sob out.

Sobs wracked her body and Stef just pulled her in closer. Stef took a deep breath. She knew what that guilt felt like, she too had that those same thoughts.

"Love, we can't always know when something is wrong with the people we love. Things can happen in an instant and there is nothing that we can do about it, but I promise you that no one blames you. The twins know how much we love them and know that we couldn't have known that the accident would happen. You also can't blame yourself, I didn't feel it either."

Stef and Lena just sat there holding each other. They both were going through the feeling of guilt, but they knew that there was nothing that could change that other than forgiving themselves. Lena was still struggling with her other feelings of guilt, but with Stef holding her, she allowed a little of that feeling to fade away, even if it was just for a short while.

* * *

After a while, the two women were a bit more composed and decided to take advantage of having the house to themselves. They laid on the couch together and watched movies all day until late when the kids finally came wandering in. Stef had forgotten to call Brandon, so around seven he made the decision to bring everyone home. They had all eaten and brought home pizza for their moms.

Stef and Lena had a quick dinner and then headed up to bed. Once in bed, Lena still kept her distance, but she spent the majority of her time thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow was Monday and for the first time since the kiss, she would have to see Monte. She didn't know what she would say or do, but she spent the better part of the night thinking about it. She just hoped that when the time did come, she could explain it to Stef in a way that she would be able to understand and that she would forgive her for her mistakes. She was just really hoping that what Stef said about loving her unconditionally and that nothing could change their relationship was really true.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Lena's POV**

It was a long night and I am really tired. I didn't sleep much and I am not sure what today will bring. I know Stef is worried about me, but I am trying my best to act normal, especially since I told her I felt guilty about not being there for the twins. I know that it is not the total truth, but I do feel bad about that as well. I am hoping that things just go well today and that I don't really have to deal with Monte.

Stef is already down in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids, so I go ahead and take a shower. When I get done, I make my way downstairs where everyone is talking and laughing while they are eating. I grab a cup of tea and eat a pancake quickly. The kids are going to walk to school today, so at least I don't have to pretend that everything is fine on the way there.

I get to school and park in my regular spot. I grab my bag and make my way into the school heading straight for my office.

"Lena, wait up for a minute," I hear a voice behind me call. It is a voice that I did not want to hear, but I stop and turn around. Monte is standing in front of me. She hands me a cup of coffee and asks to speak to me in my office. I don't know where this is going, but I hope it is not going to end like one of the many scenarios that I went through in my head last night. We make our way there and I shut the door behind her. I then pull the drapes so that everyone in the office is not looking in on us.

"Lena, let me just start by saying I am so, so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I really don't want things to be awkward between us. I really like you and you are one of my only friends here in San Diego."

I am at a loss for words. I know that what we did was wrong, but I also know that we were both in a bad place.

"Monte, I am sorry as well. You are one of my few friends as well and I don't want what happened to affect that. You are also my boss, so I think that we need to not let it affect our work relationship either."

"Well, one thing that I can say is that I won't let it happen again. I think I have been a little lonely lately and you are just the most kind and beautiful woman I know. I really like you and respect you, but you are married, and again I am so sorry," Monte said. I know that she is sincere, but I just can't help but feel horrible about the whole thing.

"Monte, I am sorry too. I am just as much to blame as you are. I really appreciate you being there for me though. I would like to move past this and I am glad that you agree. "

I could feel tears stinging my eyes. She stood up and laid her hand on my arm. "I promise, this changes nothing," she said and then walked out of my office, closing the door behind her to give me a few minutes to myself.

I am a little bit relieved. I thought that it might go way worse, but she is such a nice woman. I let a few tears escape and try to think of how I can tell Stef without her getting angry and leaving. I know it has only been a few days, but I can't keep this to myself for much longer without it consuming me. I know that she deserves better and we have always agreed to be honest with each other. If I can't do that, what does it say about our marriage. I can't keep hiding things from her.

* * *

I am finally calmed down, but tears still seem to be running silently down my face. All of a sudden there is a knock on the door and when it opens, Jude comes in. He looks at me and immediately apologizes.

"It's okay baby, what did you need?" I ask, trying to sound as normal as possible while wiping the tears from my face.

"I was just wondering if you had a spare notebook, but I can come back later," he says as if he has completely interrupted something important. After a few seconds, he walks over to me an wraps me up in a hug.

"Are you okay Mama? Why are you crying?"

I soon realize that I have no explanation to give him. "I just had a bit of a rough morning honey." I hug him back and he continues to hold me tight. I feel horrible that he has seen me like this, but I love the fact that he such a sweet and kind young man.

"Let me see what I have in my bag." I let go of him and find a spare notebook to give to him before he has to run to his next class.

"Can I get you anything Mama?"

"No thank you Jude. I am fine. I love you," I say to him. My tears have stopped and I am so glad that we have both him and Callie in our family now.

"I love you to. Let me know if there is anything I can do," he says smiling as he walks out the door on his way to class.

* * *

**Jude POV**

I know something is going on with Mama. She has been acting very strange for the last few days and then I walk in on her crying in her office. I do what I can to comfort her, but I think what she really needs is Mom. Mom always knows what to do, so I decide to give her a call.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, baby, what is going on?"

"I think Mama might need to see you, I found her crying in her office earlier. She said that she had a bad morning. I didn't know what to do, but I figured you would know."

"Okay honey, I will give her a call and maybe try to stop by at lunchtime. Thank you for calling me. I have to go, but I love you so much."

"I love you to," I say and I hang up the phone. I know that Mama will be alright now that Mom knows, so I go ahead and go to class.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

After hearing what Jude said, I am a little worried about Lena. I know that she has been having a hard time, but if something happened at work I can only assume that it set her over the edge. I was planning on calling her, but I figured it might be nice if I take an early lunch and go see her. It was a slow day at the station so I had time to grab a few things while I was out on patrol. I am working without a partner today as many people were out sick with one thing or another. This gave me a chance to stop by a floral shop where I decided to pick up some roses with hopes that they will make Lena feel better. I also went ahead and got some of the chicken wraps that we love from that little bistro near the beach.

I finally make my way to Anchor Beach around noon. As I am walking through the school with flowers and lunch in hand, I am approached by Monte.

"Hi Stef, are you here to see Lena?"

"Yes, I thought that she might enjoy some lunch that we didn't just throw together in a rush this morning," I said with a bit of a laugh.

"Well, if you have a minute, could I speak to you in my office?"

"Sure. What kid did what this time?" With that statement a small chuckle escapes and she took begins to laugh.

As we make it into Monte's office and she closes the door I start to think that maybe one of the kids really did something.

"So Stef, I just wanted to apologize to you about the other day. The entire thing was my fault and I feel absolutely horrible about it. I promise you it was nothing, but I understand if you are angry. Please just be angry with me though, it wasn't Lena's fault."

I have no idea what Monte is talking about, but I am not sure that I want to.

"What are we talking about?" I ask, her face is filled with what seems like genuine sincerity.

The look on Monte's face changes to one of confusion, but then she shook her head and apologized again.

"I'm sorry, I should have explained that first. The other day, we were late to the dance off. I had found out about us getting the grant that we were pursuing and so I insisted we celebrate before coming. I know you were waiting there and I feel really bad that we were late. I just wanted to let you know that it was my fault and not Lena's. She was ready to leave, but I was so excited and we had worked so hard that we just had a few sips of champaign to celebrate and that is why we were late."

"Oh, it's no big deal. You don't owe me an apology. I am glad that Lena got to celebrate a bit since I know that she worked so hard on getting grants. She hadn't told me about it yet, so thanks. I can't blame her with everything that has happened, but I am glad I know now so that I can congratulate here."

I am so happy for Lena. I know how much effort she put into getting those grants, so I can't wait to see her.

"Well, thanks again for the information Monte, I better go find Lena so that we can eat before I have to get back to work. Take care," I say as I walked out the door and headed for Lena's office. I am so proud of my wife and I can't wait until we can really celebrate her accomplishments. Maybe tonight would be a good time for that. It has been a while since we were able to properly celebrate anything.

* * *

I knock on Lena's office door and let myself in when there is no answer. I see Lena scanning through some papers, but she looks better than I thought she would from what Jude had said. When she looks up from her paperwork, a smile appears, but seems to fade very quickly.

"Hi babe," I say handing her the roses and sitting our lunch on her desk.

"Stef, they're beautiful, thank you." The smile slowly returns, and then she asks me another question. "What are you doing here?"

"I just thought that I would surprise my beautiful wife with some lunch from her favorite bistro. Is that okay? If you are busy I can go back to work,"I say, but my face still remains very neutral. I know I have something that I have to ask her, but I am waiting for the right time.

"No, its fine. I love the surprise."

I think that it is about the right time, she seems happy and I really can't wait to see her reaction.

"I saw Monte in the hall before coming to see you, and we talked for a minute." Her face drops instantly. "Lena honey, is there something that you want to tell me?"

She looks shocked and like she can't gather her thoughts.

"Stef, I... I am so sorry I didn't tell you." She looks like she is on the verge of tears and I can't figure out why. I figured she would be excited. I guess not. She gets up and closes the blinds as well as locking the door. "Can we just talk about this when I get home tonight, so that I can explain. Please?"

"What's the matter baby? I am so proud of you. I can't believe that you didn't tell me so that we could celebrate, but given the events of the other day, I guess I can forgive you for forgetting." I walk over and kiss my wife passionately and take her in my arms. I am so happy for her and she just seems to melt against me.

"Stef, can I ask you a question," she says in a hushed voice.

"Of course sweetheart."

"What exactly did Monte tell you?" The question confuses me, but I think she is trying to find out how much I know. I don't know why, but she acts like I am going to be angry with her for being late because she was celebrating.

"She apologized for you two being late the other day. She explained that it was all her fault, and that you guys lost track of the time." She stiffens in my arms a bit. "It's okay love. I can't blame you for wanting to celebrate a bit after all of your hard work. You spent so much time working on those grants and the fact that you got them just shows how amazing you are. I am so proud of you Lena, and I love you so much."

* * *

We finish our lunch and it is about time for me to get back to the station. Lena looks better now that she has eaten, but I know that she was still upset this morning.

"I better get back to work, but if you need anything, please call me and let me know."

"I should be fine, its just another day at work," she says to me, but I want her to know that I will always be there for her.

"Lena, I know you were upset this morning. Jude called me to tell me that you were having a rough day and that you were crying. It is okay if you just need some space, but I want you to talk to me so that I know what is going on and so that you know I will be there for you. Please call me if you get upset again."

"Okay Stef, but it wasn't a big deal. The morning just didn't go as planned. Thank you for being here with me."

"Alright I better go, I love you so much. See you tonight. "

I head out the door and start for my car. I finally feel as if things are going to get better between us. If Lena sees that I am there for her, maybe we can make this work. I know that we have both been distant and a good part of that was because of me, but I am determined to make her see that we are in this together and that I will always be there for her, no matter what. I can't wait to get home and spend some time with my wife and family.


	6. Chapter 6

Everyone, thank you so much for reading and the reviews. I really appreciate all of the support.

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

After the events of the morning and lunch, Lena knew that the time had come to tell Stef if she wanted to have a fighting chance at saving her marriage. She spend the afternoon trying to come up with how to do it, but she just didn't know how to without completely gutting Stef. The last few days, Stef had been trying so hard to be there for her and she felt guilty. She was the one who kissed Monte and she was the one that had lied repeatedly. She has sworn to Stef that they would always be honest with each other, but that just didn't seem to work in this situation. As much as she didn't want to admit it, there was a good chance that Stef would leave her because she continued to lie even when she had the opportunity to be honest.

After hours of thinking, she decided to send the kids out for the night and called in a favor from the one person she really didn't want to, Mike. She had asked him to take the kids for the night. She hated imposing on him, especially with five kids, but she knew that with the coming discussion that she would need to have it just be her and Stef in the house. Luckily Mike was glad to take the kids, but he thought it was for a far different reason.

The kids went home and packed an overnight bag after school and after saying goodbye to Lena, Brandon took them all over to Mike's. They didn't know what was going on, but as soon as Lena told them that she and Stef needed a night together, they practically ran out the door.

Lena knew that Stef would be home in about 30 minutes so she decided to clean up around the house, trying very hard to keep her mind off of the conversation to come. She was standing in the bedroom when she heard Stef pull into the driveway. All of a sudden she felt sick. She laid down on the bed and attempted to keep her heart from beating out of her chest. The nervousness was really getting to her and she was almost to the point of backing out of the plan to tell Stef. She knew that that would only make things worse, so she just continued to breathe until she heard Stef call up the stairs.

"Lena, I'm home. Where are you?"

"I'm in the bedroom," she said with a very shaky voice.

Soon Stef was climbing the stairs. She made her way into the bedroom. Seeing Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, she detoured on her way to the safe and kissed her wife on the lips.

"Hello my love, how was the rest of your day and where are all of the kids?"

"It was okay. The kids all went to Mike's for the night."

"Oh, I forgot we were going to celebrate. I hope he can handle them all."

After putting her gun and belt away, Stef took a seat next to Lena and placed a hand on her leg. She knew something was up with Lena since she didn't really look that in to celebrating.

"What is it my love?"

"Stef, we need to talk." By this time, Lena was almost in tears and Stef grabbed her hand to offer some support, even though she felt her own heart sink. There was generally nothing good that came from that statement.

"Okay Love, what's going on?"

"Before I start, I need you to know how much I love you. I can't imagine my life without you Stef, you are my everything," Lena managed to choke out. "But I did something, something that I didn't think I could tell you about. I... I made a mistake Stef, and I lied."

"What was it? Why couldn't you tell me? Did something happen at school?" Stef could feel the tears begin to sting her eyes and Lena had tears pouring down her face.

"I... I was, I am so afraid Stef. I am afraid that you won't love me anymore ... afraid that you will hate me... afraid that you will leave me...afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life." Lena continued to cry, just barely being able to get any words out. It killed Stef to see Lena hurting so much, even if she was also hurting. Stef took the taller woman in her arms and just held her.

"Love, you know how much I love you. I just need you to trust me enough to tell me what happened. I might get angry, but you don't have to be afraid. Whatever it was, we can fix it, we are in this life together."

"Stef, I don't think that you will want to fix it after I tell you what happened," Lena needed to just get it over quickly. "Stef, Monte and I kissed, it was a one time thing and it meant nothing, I promise."

Stef immediately let go of Lena and sat back with a shocked yet hurt expression. "You did what?" Stef's voice began to rise and she felt so stupid for not realizing where this conversation was going.

"Please Stef, you have to believe me, it was just an accident," Lena sobbed as tears fell down her face at a rapid pace.

"Lena, how could something like that be an accident? Why would you do such a thing?" The hurt came out in Stef's voice but as she continued, her tone got angrier and angrier.

"Stef, I was hurting. We had had some champagne and I just fell apart. I was so worried about us and our marriage and I started to cry. She simply wanted to comfort me so she gave me a hug. After that, she kissed me. I am so, so sorry. I kissed her back, but it was only for a second. I pulled away, I promise." Lena was now crying hysterically and wanted so bad for Stef to comfort her, but she knew that she had hurt Stef.

Stef took a few steps back, not even believing what she had just heard come from her wife's mouth. Tears threatened to run down her face. She started walking out the door when she heard Lena.

"Please don't leave Stef, please. It didn't mean anything and I should have told you. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you and I didn't mean to lie, but I couldn't live with the fact that I would hurt you like that. Just promise me you won't leave." Sobs racked Lena's body and it killed Stef, but she needed to be alone. She needed to process this and find out how she was feeling without worrying about Lena, so she walked out the door and down the stairs. She could still hear Lena crying in the bedroom and so she stormed out the front door.

She had barely closed the door before she sank down against the wall and started crying. How could Lena have done this to her. How could she have kept it a secret, even if it was only for a few days. She felt betrayed and didn't know what to do. She wanted to leave, but then she thought about her kids. How could she do that to them. They had done nothing wrong. She loved Lena with all of her heart and couldn't understand why Lena would kiss another woman. She herself started to feel guilty. If Lena was worried about their marriage, it was probably because of some of the things that she had done. She knew she was wrong for keeping things from Lena and she couldn't believe that she may have driven her wife away.

After about ten minutes, Stef had to make a decision. She needed to know if it was just a kiss or if something else had happened. She also remembered what she had told Lena and those words kept echoing in her head. "I love you unconditionally, nothing will ever change that." She knew that was very true. She may have been hurting, but there was almost nothing in this world that Lena could do that would change how much she loved her. She could never leave Lena no matter how much she was hurting.

With that thought, she dried her eyes and slowly made her way back into the house. She could still hear Lena crying and felt awful about it. She slowly climbed the stairs and opened the door to their bedroom. Lena was laying on Stef's side of the bed, holding onto her pillow and crying hysterically. She finally looked up when she felt Stef's presence in the room.

Stef was the first to speak, finally breaking the chilling silence.

"I meant what I said Lena, I love you no matter what. The love that I have for you is unconditional and nothing will ever change that. It will take time, but I need you to know that I love you and we are in this together." Stef took a few steps forward and placed her hand on her wife's shoulder. "I just need to know, did anything else happen or was it just a kiss?"

"It was just the kiss Stef, I promise I pulled away."

"I believe you Lena. It will take some time, but I will forgive you as well. You will always have me and if you ever feel worried about us, please come and talk to me. Give me a chance to be there with you and try to work it out. Just know that you can tell me anything, okay."

"Also, can we please make sure not to let it happen again," Stef said in a lighthearted voice, attempting to make Lena a little more comfortable.

Lena didn't know how she had gotten so lucky. She just knew Stef would leave her, and was wondering what would become of their lives, then Stef walked back in and told her that she wasn't going anywhere.

"I am so sorry Stef, I know I hurt you, but I promise I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. Thank you for coming back. I love you so much."

The next thing that Stef did shocked Lena. She knew that Stef would need some time to get over everything, but Stef still stepped forward and took her into her arms. Both women sat their silently crying while holding on to each other for dear life.

Lena decided to make the first move and pulled away from Stef long enough to kiss her quickly on the lips. Stef kissed her back and then went back to holding her, kissing her on the head every so often and then slowly wiping the tears from her wife's face.

It had been a stressful day for both women, so when they had both finally calmed down some, Stef was the first to speak. "It has been a long day Lena, why don't we go and take a bath? It will give us a little more time to reconnect and with the kids gone for the night, we won't even be interrupted."

"Are you sure Stef?"

"Absolutely love."

Lena headed in to start the bath while Stef took a minute to herself. She then undid her boots and took off her uniform shirt. After a few moments she joined her wife in the bathroom for some one on one time. She knew it would take a while to forget, but she knew that she could forgive Lena for this one transgression. They just needed to work on their relationship and with time she knew it could be back to normal. For now, as long as Lena was talking to her and letting her in she knew they were going to be alright.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Thank you so much for all of the reviews and for reading. This has been an interesting story to write and I am so glad that it could be enjoyed. Sorry for the long wait, I am right at the end of my semester so it has been non-stop. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

I woke up with Lena still in my arms. I know that she made a mistake and I told her that I would forgive her, but I still feel so betrayed and hurt. There is a part of me that is extremely angry at both Lena and Monte, but there is that other part that is so angry with myself for not being there for her when she needed me. I know that the events of the last few months have been especially hard on her. Losing Frankie was the hardest thing that she has been through. It affected me as well, but I know how much she wanted a baby and to have to make a decision between her health and our child's life was so difficult. I had fallen in love with that baby as well, but when I had to decide between her and my wife, I had to pick Lena. I could not live without her by my side. I know that that one event has pulled us apart and I now know how worried she really was about us.

I need some time to myself before I go to work, so I slide out of bed and head to the bathroom to shower. She is still sleeping soundly. I know that she is worn out from the events of last night so I let her sleep. I make my way into the bathroom and start to take off my clothes as I let the water heat up. As I step in, I slowly replay last nights events in my head. Before I know it, there are tears streaming down my face. I finally let out all of the pent up emotion. I know that she didn't mean for it to happen, but unfortunately that doesn't change how much it hurts.

I must have spent over twenty minutes crying and finally realized that the water was getting cold. I turned it off and stepped out, grabbing my towel and wrapping it around me. I was getting a migraine and all of the crying wasn't helping anything. I made my way over to the sink and just stood there, looking into the mirror.

* * *

**Lena's POV:**

I woke up and noticed that the bed beside me was empty. Then all of the memories of last night came back. I remember finally telling Stef, and I remember something remarkable happening. She didn't leave and she told me that she still loved me. All of a sudden my thoughts are interrupted by a sound I know well, Stef crying. I hear the water running so I am assuming that she is in the shower. I feel awful. How could I have done this to her. I love her so much, but I just feel so distant from her lately. I know she was keeping things about Callie from me, but I am going to assume that she simply felt it was best for all involved, even if I wish she would have just told me. We need to get back to the point of not keeping things from each other and being in this relationship and life together. The water has stopped so I decide that I will go and check on her.

I walk into the bathroom and she immediately jumps. I must have startled her.

"Good morning, honey," I say as I walk over to her. She looks awful, like she does when she gets a migraine, and I can only imagine that the crying has not helped matters at all.

"Hi, Lena" she says to me and I have no idea what is going on in her head. I walk over and take her hand in mine. I can feel her shaking. I don't know what to do for her other than just be here with her. I try to hug her but she quickly pulls away.

"I have to get ready for work and I am sure that you have to also."

I think that she just needs some space, so I let go of her and reply "Yes, I am going to shower and then I will make you some breakfast."

"Thanks, but I should just go to work, I will get something on the way. I will see you tonight Lena."

"Okay, stay safe. I love you." I have no idea how she will respond to that, but she takes my hand. "I love you too. See you later." With that she heads into the bedroom to get dressed.

By the time I get out of the shower, she is gone. I know that she must still be hurting so I try very hard not to take her leaving personally. I get dressed and head down to get something to eat. All of a sudden, a thought hits me. What am I going to say to Monte? Stef wouldn't try to talk to her, would she? I hope that is not why Stef left so early, but I rushed through breakfast and headed to work. I was looking forward to seeing the kids since they had stayed with Mike last night. I just hope that Stef doesn't do something crazy like showing up at the school.

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

I am headed into work early. I know that Lena was trying this morning, but I was just so upset that I had to get out of there. I went and got a bite to eat and while I was sitting there, I realized that Lena would be headed to work soon and she would see Monte there. It had not occured to me until now that maybe yesterday when Monte apologized to me, it may not have been about keeping Lena longer at work, it may very well have been about the kiss. I really think that I should go and have a talk with her. At least she attempted to make it right, but I have to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Right now I have to go to work, but I am sure that I will be seeing Monte soon enough.

As I pull into the parking lot of the station, I see Mike waiting for me by the car. He starts to give me a hard time about driving, but he knows something is up when I tell him he can drive. I don't want to have this conversation, so I head inside and put my things in my locker. I eventually make my way to the car and we head out on patrol. It seems like an eternity has passed by the time he breaks the silence.

"Stef, what is going on? You look like you have been crying. Did last night not work out?"

"What are you talking about Mike?"

"Well, when Lena asked if I could take the kids, I assumed that she had a night of romance planned for you, but I am guessing that is not what happened."

"I really don't want to talk about Mike," I say rather loudly. I am assuming that he won't give up after the reaction that I just had. It turns out my assumptions are right when he pulls the car over.

"What is going on Stef, you are obviously upset? Did you two have a fight or something?"

"You could say that."

"Why don't you talk about it? I am sure that you would feel better if you did," he says placing a hand on my arm. I start to feel the tears stinging my eyes again. I don't know what to do, but maybe talking about it would help.

"Lena did something and she told me about it last night,"I say, my voice cracking.

"What did she do?"

"She... she and Monte kissed. I guess Monte started it, but Lena kissed her back for a few seconds. She says she pulled away, but... but that doesn't make me feel any better." I start crying again.

"Oh Stef, I am so sorry. She did pull away though and it didn't go any further than that did it?"

"She says it didn't and I believe her, but I... I feel like it is partly my fault too. Like I haven't been there for her enough," I say as I start to cry harder. Mike leans over and gives me a hug. I feel so out of control.

"I think you need to give her a second chance. She loves you so much Stef. Maybe it was an accident, or maybe it was just a stupid mistake. Either way, she loves you more than anything and I don't want you to think that it is your fault. Sometimes things happen that we can't control, but if you love her and I know you do, you must be willing to work on your relationship with her and forgive her."

Those are the last words I ever expected to hear Mike say. I know that I hurt him in a similar way when I came out and started seeing Lena, but he has always been there for me. I guess I just need to be there for Lena now.

We continue on our patrol and I finally decide that I have to talk to Monte. I need to make sure that nothing like this will ever happen again at least for my own peace of mind. I do something crazy and call the school. I go ahead and set up an appointment with her through her assistant. She was able to get me in at four-thirty which probably works well because Lena should be home by then, so I don't have to worry about upsetting her.

Mike and I continue on patrol and I just start counting the hours until I can finally talk with Monte.

* * *

**Lena's POV:**

I get to work and see that Monte isn't here yet. It is odd for her to be running late, but then I see her pull into the parking lot. I know that I need to talk to her about everything, but especially about telling Stef. Stef sometimes gets angry and I have a feeling that she would eventually want to have words with Monte. If I can give her a heads up, maybe we can avoid the entire situation.

"Hey Lena," she says to me as she steps out of the car.

"Monte, could I talk to you in my office before school gets going?"

"Sure, let me get my briefcase and then lead the way."

We make our way through the school halls and head into my office. I shut the door and close the blinds.

"Lena, is everything okay?"

"Um, I... I told Stef. I am so sorry, but I couldn't keep lying to her."

"When did you tell her?"

"Last night."

"Is everything okay," she asks placing her hand on my shoulder. She looks like she is genuinely concerned for me and that is one thing I think that drew me to her as a friend.

"I think it will be. We have some things to work out, but I think she understands it was just something that happened."

"Oh, that is good. I am really glad you told her, because I almost told her yesterday when she came to see you at lunch."

"You told her?" I ask, my voice starting to rise a bit.

"No, Lena. I almost told her. I just wanted to apologize to her, but when I realized that you hadn't told her, I just apologized for making you late to the dance off. I told her that we had gotten the grant thanks to you and we took a moment to celebrate. I am really sorry."

Now I knew where Stef had found out about the grant. I remember her saying that she had talked to Monte, but as shocked as she was when I told her about the kiss, I know that Monte didn't tell her anything.

"It's fine Monte, I should have told her before, but I was being a coward. I just wanted to let you know that I had told her in case she shows up here wanting to talk to you. She can have a temper. I hope she doesn't talk to you, but I wanted you to be aware so she didn't catch you by surprise."

"Lena, if she wants to talk to me, its fine. We both made mistakes, but if she can forgive you, I will gladly take the blame."

I am shocked yet again. I would never ask her to take the blame for me. It was just as much my fault as it was hers.

"I would never ask you to take the blame. We both made a mistake, and I hope that we will be able to conitinue on as friends, but I didn't want you to be blindsided by Stef."

"I'll be fine Lena, and I just want you to relax. It isn't ever going to happen again so take a few minutes to yourself, and I will see you later, okay."

"Okay, thank you again Monte."

As I sat back in my chair, I finally relaxed a bit. Hopefully Stef won't be impulsive and show up here, but I trust that it won't ever happen again and right now, all I want to do is work on my marriage and getting things back to the way they used to be.

* * *

**Monte POV:**

I was a little worried when Lena asked to see me in her office this morning, but I am glad she did. I had not considered that Stef may want to have a chat with me after she found out what had happened. I know that she has every right to be angry, but if I can do anything to ease her fears that something might happen between me and Lena, I want to do it. I care very much for Lena, but she is married and I am straight. I want to make sure that I can be there as her friend, but I cannot and will not do it without Stef's permission.

I head back to my office when I see my assistant hang up the phone.

"I am really sorry Monte, but I had to schedule and appointment with a parent at four-thirty. I hope that is okay?" she asks me and I am more than happy to stay late to meet with a parent.

"That is fine Rachel, thank you for letting me know."

I continue on with my day and plan on checking in with Lena a little later on to make sure that she is okay. I suppose if Stef wants to speak with me, she will find me eventually. Until then, I fully intend on being the best friend I can be to Lena.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

The rest of the day had gone fairly smoothly for Lena. She had completed all of the paperwork that she had hoped to and she had even managed to stop thinking about Stef for the moment. She knew how upset Stef was and couldn't really blame her. She hoped that Stef would just take the time that she needed. How was this really going to affect their relationship after it had had time to sink in with Stef? Could what she said about unconditional love come crashing down around them after Stef had spent some time thinking about it? All Lena could do was keep working and hope that things would work out the way that they were supposed to.

* * *

It had been a long day for Stef. She hated that she had to wait so long to see what Monte would say for herself. As she went about her workday, she noticed that her blood began to boil every time she thought about what had happened between her wife and that woman. How could Lena have done this to her. She had no idea where she would go from here other than to give that woman a piece of her mind. She knew that Lena had been in a bad place after they lost Frankie, but she really didn't think that she would go so far as to cheat or even almost cheat on her. They loved each other so much and they both loved their children more than anything on the planet. She thought that would always be enough to keep them together as a family no matter how hard things got, but look at where thinking something like that got her.

* * *

All of the kids stopped by at some point in the day to see Lena since they had stayed at Mike's last night. Jude was the first to notice that Lena really did not seem to be herself. She seemed very distant like she was thinking of something else. He decided not to say anything until he was sure that she was acting strangely. Brandon too noticed that she didn't seem right, but when he asked if she was okay, she had said that she was just fine. He felt it was best to leave it at that and if she still was behaving oddly later, he would just ask his Mom what was up.

Despite Stef's promise that they would be okay, she was really starting to wonder if that was the case considering how Stef was acting this morning. She knew that with time, Stef would grow angrier, but she just wanted everything to be alright. It was a horrible feeling thinking that Stef might not be able to completely forgive her for the massive mistake. She knew that with time, Stef may get over it, but if they didn't talk soon and work this out, Stef may become distant and they may not be able to work out a solution to this problem. She knew that they would have to talk, but she also thought that it could wait until tonight. After dinner, Lena would take her upstairs and make sure that they would be okay. Stef was the love of her life and she was not about to let that get away without one major fight. They would still grow old together, that was the way that it was meant to be and she knew that if Stef began to see that the kiss really meant nothing, she would see that it was meant to be too. There was nothing that could happen that would separate them if she had anything to say about it, especially not some stupid mistake that she made.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the long wait and the short chapter. Things have been very hectic and my Grandmother just died so I have been dealing with that and everything that goes along with it. I have also hit some major writers block in both of my stories, so any requests or ideas are greatly appreciated. Feel free to PM them to me or leave them in the comments anytime. I am hoping that I will be able to get back on track with them soon and with a few new ideas I will hopefully find that new inspiration. Thanks for any help and for reading.

Endevour


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.

* * *

Stef was finally able to leave work. She made her way to her locker to gatehr her things, but she still had no idea waht she was going to say to the woman who had kissed her wife. She knew that Lena would not be happy with this conversation, but she also knew that there was no way that she could get over it until she had spoken with Monte. She also began to think more and more about her relationship with Lena. How could Lena have waited this long to tell her? She knew that it was a difficult conversation, but she didn't know why Lena was so afraid to tell her, unless it really was more than the kiss.

That played heavily on her mind as she made her way to the car. Could Lena really have had an affair? No, she knew that she trusted Lena, that was the only way that their relationship had survived everything that had happened. She couldn't start second guessing that trust that they had spent so many years building now. It really wouldn't do her any good. The one thing that she needed right now was to confront the woman that made her second guess that trust, Monte.

* * *

It took about twenty minutes to make her way from the station to the school. By the time that she arrived, she was livid. Stef knew that she needed to let all of that anger go, but the more that she thought about it, the angrier she became. It wasn't like Monte didn't know that Lena was married, hell, they had even had her over for dinner.

Stef parked the car and took a minute to compose herself. It wouldn't do any good to talk to Monte if all she was going to do was explode. Things were tense enough as it was and she really didn't want to deal with Lena's reaction if she found out that she had gone to Monte. When she finally found herself calm enough to deal with this impending conversation, she made her way into the school and to the school office.

"How can I help you today, Officer?" The woman behind the front desk asked politely.

"I have an appointment to speak to the principle this afternoon," Stef replied in an equally polite manner.

"Okay, if you just want to have a seat, I will let her know that you are here."

Stef was glad that the receptionist didn't realize who she was. She had not thought about someone possibly recognizing her. She went ahead and took a seat while she waited for Monte.

"Officer, she is ready to see you if you just want to go to her office. Just go straight down this hall and it is the second door on the right."

"Thank you," Stef said to the receptionist and made her way down the hall.

* * *

A knock on the door made Monte look up as she invited in the parent that she was supposed to meet with. When Stef walked through the door, her face immediately fell. Lena had mentioned that Stef may try to talk to her, but she really hadn't thought about what she would say if she did.

"Stef, its nice to see you, please have a seat."

"Hello Monte," Stef managed through clenched teeth as she shut the door to the woman's office.

"Okay, listen Stef, I know why you are here and I really hope that you will let me explain."

"Explain what? Why you kissed my wife, why you two were drinking in the school? What is it that you want to explain to me? I don't understand how you could do that? Lena is a married woman and I know that she wouldn't just do it on her own. "

Stef's face had turned red with anger as she continued to ask these questions of Monte. The only thing that stopped her intense interrogation of the woman was the sight of a few stray tears running down the smaller woman's face.

Stef took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a minute. She decided that she really needed to hear what the younger woman had to say just for her own peace of mind.

"Listen Stef, I know that you are angry and I am so, so sorry about what happened. It was nothing more than a huge mistake. I care for Lena, but not in that way." Monte managed through sniffles.

"I know that you might not believe me, but I swear, it was just a small kiss that meant nothing. Lena seemed to be hurting so much and when she started talking about what had been bothering her, it struck a chord with me. I remember feeling the same way about everything in my life after I lost a baby, but it really did cost me my marriage. I cannot imagine that it would cost Lena her's, but I do remember those feelings. I think that she is afraid to tell you how she is feeling about it because she doesn't want to lose you, and I think that she blames herself for it."

Stef felt her heart break as she listened to what this woman was telling her. She hadn't even realized that tears were escaping her eyes. How could she not see that Lena was struggling. She knew that she had had a difficult time, but she had never considered that Lena might blame herself for anything that happened. She certainly didn't.

When she finally found her voice, she found herself saying "Monte, I am so sorry. If you say that it meant nothing, then I am sure that it meant nothing. How could I have not seen how she was feeling?" With that the flood gates opened and Stef began to cry uncontrollably. The next thing she knew, a hand was on her shoulder and Monte was standing there offering her support.

Stef felt her anger begin to dissipate, but she also felt it being replaced by guilt and pain. If she had seen how much pain her wife had been in and been there to support her and get her to open up, then maybe none of this would have happened in the first place.

* * *

After Stef had managed to compose herself, she thanked Monte for the explanation and especially for Monte's promise that it would never happen again. She made her way out to her car and found herself just driving. She didn't know where to, but she needed to clear her mind. If Lena could not open up to her about what she was feeling, then maybe they needed a break. She also thought that maybe Lena needed some help getting over her guilt. Just because they needed to take a break didn't mean that she couldn't be there for her.

She finally found herself on her way home. She knew that they had a lot to talk about, but Stef definitely felt that it would be best for her to go to a motel or stay somewhere else for a while. She didn't know how Lena would take that news, but she also knew that they needed to work on their relationship. Lena had gone away for awhile after they lost Frankie, but obviously she didn't grieve like she needed to and Stef really didn't grieve much either. She had too many things to worry about with the kids and everything else that was going on. If they could take some time apart and work on their relationship, then there would be hope for their future, but if they just ignored everything that had gone on in the past year, they could potentially cause some permanent damage. She just hope that Lena could see that.

* * *

As she pulled into their driveway, she knew that the family would be having diner together. She and Lena would have to talk tonight, but that could wait until the kids were busy doing their own thigns and they could have some privacy. As much as she hated this idea, she knew that a little time apart would make them a better couple. She gathered up her things and went inside to have dinner with her family one last time before everything changed.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the wait. This story has been on my mind for a long time, but I just didn't quite know where to take it. I really appreciate any feedback and ideas, so please leave a comment if you can. I hope that I will be able to evolve this story and continue to write it. Thanks for reading.

Endevour


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.

* * *

As Stef walked into the house, all she heard was the happy chatter of all of her children. They were all talking about how their day had been, but Lena was extremely quite, only offering a word or two here and there. Stef loved her family so much and would do anything to protect them which is what she would be doing later tonight, for now though, she just wanted to have a nice evening with her kids.

Jude was the first to notice his mom walk in the door. He immediatly ran over and gave her a big hug. He was the first of all of the kids to notice that there was something going on between his moms, but for now he was just happy that they were hving a family dinner.

"Hi my babies, did you all have a good day?" Stef asked and received a nod and a mumble from each of her children as they enjoyed their dinner.

"I left a plate in the oven for you Stef," was all Lena managed.

"Thanks, I am starved."

In an attempt to make Lena a little more comfortable and to keep things normal for her kids, she walked over and hugged Lena while placing a kiss on her head. She then joined in on the dinner conversation and tried as hard as she could to act normal. She was hoping that no one would notice her red, swollen eyes from all of the crying she had done and luckily no one seemed to.

* * *

After dinner, Stef went up to shower and change. What she didn't expect was for Jude to be waiting for her outside of her bedroom door.

"Hey Jude, whats up?"

"Are you an Mama okay?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"You seem so sad and Mama has also been acting funny."

"Why don't you come into our room and we can talk, okay?"

With that statement, Jude automatically became apprehensive, but Stef also knew that regardless of the fact that he had been adopted, Jude just sometimes needed some reassurance. She wasn't sure how she would offer him that, but since he had come to her when he would normally go to Lena, she decided that they really needed to have a conversation.

Once inside the room, Stef closed the door and directed Jude to the bed. She then took a seat beside him.

"Honey, I want you to know that there have been a lot of things going on lately, but I also need you to know that nothing is going to change how much we love you, ever."

"Does that mean that you an Mama aren't going to be together anymore," Jude asked with a noticeable amount of worry in his voice.

"No, Mama and I are in all of this together. We love each other so much and nothing is going to change that. I just think that we need some time to work past a few things. Mama has been having a really hard time lately between Frankie and the accident, so I think that she just needs some time to heal. I even think that I could use a little time myself. You know what its like to keep things inside, sometimes they just don't want to stay there."

"I do know Mom. Sometimes it is so hard to keep things in, even when they want to come out. Callie is like that, but she always pretends that nothing bothers her."

"You know Jude, I think you are right and I think that Callie and I are a lot alike. Right now, I think that Mama just needs some time to take care of herself and so things are a little tense between us. I don't want you to worry though, Mama and I will be fine, we always have been. I really appreciate you being worried about her though and coming to me. We love you so much Jude and we are so happy that you are a part of this family."

"I love you too Mom. I know that you will make sure everything is alright, you always do."

With that statement, Stef couldn't help but pull her son into an enormous hug. She was so lucky that those kids had found them and Jude was so much like Lena that just the thought made her smile.

"Jude, can you ask Mama to come up here for me and will you pick out a movie for you and your siblings to watch?"

"Sure Mom, anything for you and Mama."

Soon he was headed out the door and she started to think about what she needed to say to Lena.

* * *

Lena was washing dishes in the kitchen when Jude came wondering in. He had picked out a movie and gathered his brothers and sisters in the living room, now he just had to get Lena upstairs.

"Hi baby, what are you doing?" Lena asked with curiosity lacing her voice.

"Mom said that we should watch a movie, but she wanted me to ask you to come upstairs while we do. I think she wants to talk to you alone."

Those words scared Lena half to death. When she sent the kids to watch a movie while they talked it was either about something really good or something really bad. Since Stef had been acting so strangely, she was leaning towards the something bad part.

"Okay, go have fun with your brothers and sisters and I will go up and see Mom in just a minute."

Jude must have sensed her feelings because the next thing that came out of his mouth shocked her.

"Everything is going to be just fine Mama."

He then gave her a huge hug and then made his way out to the living room.

* * *

Lena finished the last few dishes and then started the dreaded trek up to her and Stef's room. She really wasn't sure what was waiting for her, but she decided that she better just rip off the band aid.

She opened the door to their room and saw Stef sitting on the edge of the bed, still wearing her uniform. Her gun and belt was put away, but she still had on everything else. That too make Lena anxious since Stef had gone to shower and change over 20 minutes ago. Lena slowly shut the door once inside and finally had to ask, "What's going on Stef, Jude said you wanted to see me?"

"Lena, please sit down, we need to talk."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

"We need to talk."

Those were the words that Lena really didn't want to hear. The worry was etched across her face and she felt tears stinging her eyes. She didn't like where she thought this was going, despite Jude's comment that everything was going to be alright. She finally managed to swallow the lump in her throat and made her way to sit down on the bed.

"Okay Stef, what do you want to talk about?" was all she managed as her voice cracked through that simple sentence.

Stef could see how nervous she was and decided to take a seat next to her. After sitting down, Stef took Lena's hand in her own as she prepared to start this important conversation.

"First off, I love you," Stef managed though her voice threatened to give out on her. "I want you to remember that fact while I say what I need tell you now, and please don't get mad."

"I love you too Stef, but you are making me nervous. Please just tell me what is going on."

"Lena, I went to see Monte. "

"You did WHAT?"

"I needed to get some closure. I know that you are upset, but I understand now. I know that it was just something that happened and I forgive you, but I also think that we have some things that we need to work on."

"What do you mean Stef?"

"I think that we need to work on us. After talking to Monte, who explained what you two were talking about when it happened, and I now know that there were things that you weren't telling me. I think that right there says something about our relationship. I think that your trust in me has started to waver and after this, I think that I need some time to think about us."

"I do trust you Stef, I trust you fully."

By this time Lena was starting to cry and the only thing that was keeping Stef from falling apart was the fact that she needed to get through this conversation.

"Lena, I love you and I know that you have been going through a lot lately, we both have. You didn't tell me what you were feeling though. That hurt me Lena, the fact that you couldn't even talk to me about what you have been going through. I think that you have been going through your own struggle and may be feeling guilty with everything that happens, but I never once placed any blame on you. I know that there was nothing that could have been done, and I am so sorry if you ever thought that I blamed you."

That was it, Lena started crying uncontrollably and fell into her wife's arms. Stef held her and attempted to keep her emotions in check. This was so hard to do, but she knew that she would have to tell Lena about her plan to leave for awhile. She knew that with time, Lena would see that this was befitting their relationship and not hurting them.

"Now Lena, I know that you don't want to hear this anymore than I want to say it, but I think that we need to take some time apart from each other. "

"Stef, please no. Please don't leave," Lena managed to choke out between sobs. "I promise that it will never happen again and I will try harder with us. I don't want you to leave. You are my world and I can't live without you."

"Lena, I love you so much. I would never want to be apart, but I think that if we want to have a chance to save our relationship, we need to spend some time apart where we can take some time and get over everything that has happened in the last year in our own ways. I don't think that we can achieve that if we are together during the time that we are off work. If we each have our own space then I think that will help us to regain some trust in each other and we can work on our relationship without having the tension that we have been experiencing in the house."

Lena couldn't believe what she was hearing. The only woman she had ever truly loved was ready to walk out the door. What was she going to tell her children? She knew that Stef just wanted to do this because she thought that it would make things better, but the thought of losing her was too much to bear. She may think that it was only temporary, but what was going to happen if Stef had time to think about how much better she would be without having to deal with her and the mess that she was going through. She knew that logically there was nothing that she could have done to save her baby, but she was the one that wanted to have a baby and she felt responsible for not being able to make everything alright. Stef was not very supportive about the baby at first, but when they lost her, she was devastated. What was Lena going to do if Stef decided that there relationship wasn't worth it anymore?

After a few minutes of utter panic, a familiar voice and a hand on her shoulder brought her out of her thoughts and she realized that she had made her way out of Stef's arms and was pacing back and forth across the room.

"Lena, honey, please talk to me. Everything is going to be fine."

"Did you tell Jude that, because that is what he told me?" Lena said as she finally found her voice. "How could you have told him that when obviously everything is not fine. You want to leave and not ... not come back."

The tears started to fall again and the only thing that Lena could do right now was to walk away. She headed into their bathroom and quickly shut the door. There she fell to the floor and began crying hysterically. She knew that one of these days Stef was going to leave her and go find someone else. She never used to think that way, but after the baby, why would Stef want to be with someone who couldn't even save their own child. She felt like a failure as a woman. She never really realized how much she hadn't gotten over until this minute and now she felt like she had had her heart ripped out twice, once with Frankie and now with Stef wanting a break.

* * *

Outside of the door, Stef heard her wife crying. It broke her heart, but she didn't know what to do about it in this very moment. How could Lena ever believe that she would want to leave permanently? She finally decided that she needed to know what Lena's fears were in order to help her and their relationship.

"Lena, Lena honey, I need you to open the door," Stef called after trying the door and being unable to open it.

"Please just go away. If you want to leave, please just do it, " came the sound of Lena's hoarse voice.

"Lena, I am not going anywhere until you let me in there to talk with you," Stef said in her firm cop tone. The sooner that she could get through to Lena, the sooner this mess could get sorted out. It was killing her to know how much pain her wife was in and until she could figure out everything that was going on in her wife's mind, there was nothing that she could do about it.

Finally, the bathroom door opened a crack. Stef opened it enough to get through and then closed it. Her wife was still sitting on the floor up against the counter with her knees pulled up to her chest and hiding her face as best as she could. Stef couldn't help but fall on her knees next to her wife and envelope her in a hug. She could still feel the shaking of her wife's crying. She then lifted her wife's head up so that she could look into those amazing brown eyes. Lena tried to look away from her, but Stef held her head still and then slowly wiped the tears off of her wife's face.

"Lena, I need you to listen to me and I mean really listen," Stef started, "I am not going anywhere, but I need you to talk to me and tell me what is going on in your head."

"Oh Stef, if you want to leave, please just tell me. I just need to know. I don't blame you if you want to move on with your life and find someone else after what I have done, but I just don't want to lose you."

"Move on and find someone else?" Stef questioned and then a thought struck her, maybe Lena thought that her suggestion to be apart for a while was a suggestion that they break up. "Lena, I don't want to move on by myslf and I certainly don't want anyone else. You are the only person that I want. I just though that maybe some space would make it easier for us to fix our relationship, but now that you have told me what is going on in your head, I know that is not the solution. I love you so much and I want to be there for you and our kids no matter what."

"Really Stef?" Lena seemed surprised, but was extremely grateful, maybe her wife really didn't want to break up and just maybe she hadn't run her off with the mistakes that she had made.

Stef then did something that she didn't expect, she kissed her and took her into her arms. She was so happy that she wrapped her arms around Stef and didn't ever want to let go. They both sat on the bathroom floor for a long time just holding one another. Finally, Stef was the first to speak.

"Lena, I am going to stay here and we are going to work on what we need to work on. Maybe we should consider counseling, or maybe you would like to see someone by yourself to help you get through the baby and everything else that has happened."

Stef thought that Lena would be extremely against the idea, but was surprised with the response that she got.

"I think that might be good Stef. I didn't realize how much things have been affecting me until now, but I want to work through things and I don't want to lose you."

"Lena, do you remember what I said when you first told me about the kiss?," Stef asked and Lena nodded. "I told you that I love you unconditionally and nothing will ever change that. That is still true. I love you with all of my heart and I would do anything for you. You will never lose me."

"Thank you Stef, I love you so much too. Thank you for putting up with me and forgiving me for my stupid mistakes."

"Anytime Love. Why don't we take a shower and just spend some time together? The kids are busy with their movie, so they won't bother us."

"I'd really like that Stef."

With that both women made their way to their feet and got everything ready for the shower. They were both relieved, but Stef still knew that there was work to be done, but if she could help her wife, then it was all worth it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters. **

**AN: **Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. The reviews have really given me some encouragement. For awhile I didn't have any idea where this story was going, but it has seemed to find its own way. I really appreciate the support and thanks again. Please keep reading and reviewing.

* * *

Stef had suggested a shower and Lena was extremely grateful. She wasn't sure where there relationship was going, but at least she knew that Stef would be sticking around and was willing to do even the simple things with her. Stef started the shower and both women helped each other out of their clothes. Lena was the first to step in with Stef close behind her. Once both women had made it into the shower, Lena quickly pivoted around and Stef gladly welcomed her into her arms. They both just stood under the warm water embracing each other for what seemed like an eternity.

Stef had been doing a lot of thinking and decided that maybe she just needed to be there and be present for her wife now. She knew that it would not solve all of their problems, but from what Monte had said, a lot of Lena's stress was about keeping their relationship working. Stef felt awful that Lena had truly believed that she would leave her for good. If she had known how Lena would take it, she would never had suggested it in the first place. Stef then decided that she had to make her feelings clear to Lena and make sure that their relationship got back on track. She was finally drug out of her thoughts when she felt Lena pull away from her.

Lena grabbed the body wash and started washing Stef, just like she had been doing every time they showered together since the beginning. The familiarity seemed to bring her a level of comfort that she didn't know she needed. Stef too took comfort in the fact that they were doing something "normal" and that it seemed to put Lena at ease. Stef then began to wash Lena and decided that there was one last thing that needed to be said.

"Lena, honey, we need to make sure that we take the time to take care of us. Things have been so hectic lately that we, or at least I haven't been there for you like I should have been. I hope that we will make time to work on us, but also to enjoy life together. We haven't been together this long to let it fall apart."

Lena looked visibly relieved as she leaned in to kiss her wife. She had a horrible headache and very red, swollen eyes from all of the crying, but she didn't care that she felt and probably looked like hell as long as Stef was right there by her side.

When the water started to get cold, both women decided that they should probably get out of the shower. Neither knew how long it had been since they started their talk, but chances were that the kids would be done with their movie soon if they weren't already and honestly both women were ready for bed. It had been a very emotional day and that just seemed to consume whatever energy they had had left.

Stef was the first out of the shower, handing a towel to her wife. Once they were both out, they grabbed their robes and headed into their room for pajamas.

"Stef, I really don't think that I am up for seeing the kids right now. Do you think that you could go tell them goodnight for the both of us?"

"Of course, my love. I will just tell them that you aren't feeling well. Why don't you climb in bed and try to relax. I will be back in shortly and then maybe we can snuggle for a bit."

"I'd really like that Stef," and with that Stef made her exit to see their children.

* * *

When she made it downstairs, the kids had just finished their movie and they were actually cleaning up after themselves. This made her wonder what was going on or if they realized that their moms had been fighting. As much as she wanted to know, she just didn't feel up to it tonight. Tomorrow was another day and soon enough she knew that they would have to sit the kids down and let them know some of the things that had been going on so for now, she simply kissed each of her kids and told them goodnight.

Stef was in the kitchen getting water for herself and Lena when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her. She turned around and found her youngest son standing before her looking as if he had a serious question.

"Jude, honey, what is it?"

"I was just wondering how your talk with Mama went?" he asked with concern lacing his voice. "I just wanted to make sure everything was alright since she didn't come to say goodnight or anything."

"Mama and I are fine. She just didn't come to see you because she has a headache and wasn't feeling very well. I promise you Jude, everything is just fine. Mama and I are going to be fine and this family is going to be fine. I think we all just need a little bit of time, but I am going to make sure that she is okay, alright?"

"I know you will. You always make sure everything is going to be okay and I knew you would keep your promise. Goodnight Mom, I love you."

"I love you to baby. I'll see you in the morning."

Stef was glad that she was able to bring stability into his life and his sisters. She was so happy that he had finally found his forever home and that it was safe and he knew it. It also thrilled her for him to say that she always made everything okay. Now she knew that he was comfortable around them and actually saw them as his parents. Callie was a little bit different from Jude however. She still did not trust the system, but saw both women as a safe haven. Things were much better now that they would finally be able to adopt her. It was so amazing that these two kids resembled her and her wife in ways that she could never imagine. Jude reminded her of Lena so often, so kind and caring, and Callie was just liker her, a strong, tough fighter who would do anything to protect her family.

* * *

Stef made her way upstairs after getting their water and found her wife curled up in bed holding onto her pillow for dear life.

"You do know that I am going to want that back, unless of course you are making me sleep on the couch," Stef said in a joking manner, but decided that wasn't the thing to do when she saw her wife's face fall.

"Please sleep here with me tonight, Stef."

"Of course I am, my love. I was just trying to lighten the mood, I'm sorry," Stef managed as a sad smile crossed her face. "You can't get ride of me that easily Lena. I have a feeling that you are just stuck with me for the rest of your life."

Stef crawled into bed and immediately kissed her wife on the forehead. It killed her to see Lena so broken. She couldn't believe what had happened during their talk, but now she knew that there was no way she was going to stay away from Lena. He wife needed her support and come hell and high water she was going to be there to give it.

Lena gave Stef a minute to get situated under the covers before tightly wrapping herself around her wife. All she really wanted to do was have Stef hold her for a little while. It felt so natural and Stef was the one thing in this world that made her feel safe. She didn't know how she could have ever risked that because of a stupid little kiss. She had to make sure that nothing else like that ever happened again for the rest of their days. She was so worried that Stef was ready to walk out the door and she could never take the feeling of that ever again.

* * *

After what seemed like hours of thought as she laid in the arms of her wife, Lena was suddenly brought out of her thoughts by the sound and vibration of Stef's voice.

"Honey, I hate to say this, but I think that we might need to sit down and talk to the kids about what has been going on. Not all of the details, but just that we are going through some things. They seem to know that something is wrong and I want to get out in front of this before it becomes too big of a deal to handle easily."

"I think you are right. Neither one of us has been acting normal and I don't want the kids to worry when everything is going to be just fine."

As soon as that left her mouth, Lena had an overwhelming need to confirm it. "Everything is going to be just fine isn't it Stef?"

"Of course it is my love. I don't ever want you to think that it won't. I love you way too much to let anything happen to us or this family."

Stef had been slightly surprised by the question, but since the opportunity presented itself, she was determined to make sure that Lena knew she would do anything to keep their family together and just how much she loved her. They were so different that it sometimes shocked her that this relationship worked out, but that difference was what kept them together and made them work. Each thought a little differently from the other, but they were always able to bring themselves together in the best ways and in the most important ways. Stef truly did love the woman beside her with all of her heart and they both knew that they needed each other, so they just laid there and held on to each other like their lives depended on it.

As each woman drew strength from the other, they knew that morning would bring their challenges back, but for now, they just wanted to enjoy being with each other. In the morning, they could begin to work on their relationship and tomorrow evening, they would tackle the challenge of talking to the kids, but for now, they were comfortable just being with each other and feeling the love that they shared wash over them.

Soon after, Lena was asleep with her head on Stef's chest and Stef was finally able to relax enough to doze off. She didn't know how she had gotten so lucky, but it was obvious that she was meant to be with Lena and that fact let her have a little peace of mind. They had both made mistakes and Lena had always forgiven her for the ones that she made, so it was only fair that she learned to forgive Lena for this small indiscretion, after all, Lena was the woman of her dreams.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

When Lena woke up, a smile immediately grew on her face as she realized she was still in the arms of her sleeping wife. It was nice to wake up as if nothing had happened, but she knew in her mind that she couldn't just forget about everything that had happened. She decided to let Monte know that she wouldn't be able to make it to work today, so she went ahead and crawled out of Stef's arms long enough to send a text. There were so many things that they needed to talk about and since Stef had the day off, maybe they would also have the chance to spend some time reconnecting.

Lena decided that she should let Stef sleep in since it rarely ever happened, so she slowly climbed out of bed and headed to get the kids ready for school. As she made her way down stairs, she stopped by everyone's room to make sure that all of the kids were up and that they knew to be quiet since Stef was still sleeping . She then went downstairs to start breakfast.

Eventually, the kids started to slowly make their way into the kitchen and the lack of fighting meant that they were actually listening when she told them to keep it down. She also noticed that all of the kids except for Jude were acting rather strangely. They were all far more reserved than they usually were and didn't really have a thing to say through breakfast.

"Okay you guys, I am not going to be going to work today so you can walk to school today and then make sure you all come home right after school. We are going to have a family night so I want everyone home so that homework is done and we are all ready for dinner and whatever else."

Several nods were all she managed to get out of her four oldest kids. Jude was the only one to really speak up, "Okay Mama, we will all be home. I can't wait to see what we are going to do after dinner," he said with a smile on his face.

All of the kids finished their breakfast quickly and started to head out the door. Jude ran over to Lena and grabbed a large hug. "Bye Mama, have a good day."

"You too baby."

By that time, all of the other kids were out the door without so much as a word and now Lena knew that they needed to talk to them. She had expected to at least get a goodbye, but they all headed to school without a single word. She had a feeling that the only reason that Jude was so happy and acting normal was because he had talked to Stef already. She felt horrible that he was the one that had picked up on everything first. He was such a kind and caring young man and she had to be so grateful for that. Even that day he had found her crying in her office, he had cared enough to comfort her and then called Stef to make sure that she would be alright when he was still woried. It was times like that that she was so grateful to have both him and his sister as a part of their family. They both ended up with a kid just like them, Jude like Lena and Callie just like Stef.

* * *

After realizing that she had been reflecting for quite some time, she decided that she would start breakfast for her and Stef. She figured that waffles would be great and then she could surprised Stef with breakfast in bed. She was so happy that she had found Stef. Stef was there for her through thick and thin and no matter how angry or upset she got, in the end she would always be there to support Lena and that was something that Lena loved her so much for. She was hoping that Stef would be able to see how much she appreciated it by just doing the little things.

After breakfast was done, Lena headed up the stairs with a tray of waffles, juice and coffee. When she opened the door to the bedroom, Stef was still sound asleep, so she sat the tray down on the night stand and crawled across the bed to gently wake her wife. She slowly shook her wife's shoulder and Stef began to wake up. A smile grew on her face as Lena leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips. Then the wonderful smell of breakfast made its way to her.

"What do we have here, Mrs. Adams Foster?"

"I just thought that you might like to enjoy some breakfast in bed today," Lena said with a small grin on her face.

All of a sudden, a thought struck Stef and she looked over to the clock on the night stand. It was nearly nine o'clock.

"Wait, don't you have to go to work Lena?"

"I took the day off. We need to talk about some things, but I also wanted to spend some time alone with you. I think that we really need it."

Stef smiled. At least Lena wanted to spend some time with her and work through things. "Well in that case, you really should try the waffle, I hear its delicious," she said as she reached over and pulled Lena onto the bed next to her.

Both women sat together enjoying there wonderful breakfast as well as each other's company. It was a rare moment when they got to do this sort of thing. Stef was wondering if that may have had a bit to do with the troubles that they were having. She never seemed to even see her wife anymore and maybe that is why Lena felt like their marriage was in jeopardy. Either way, she was determined to make sure that Lena didn't ever feel like that again and if more time spent together made that happen, she was completely in favor of it.

* * *

After breakfast Stef decided that she would take a shower and then they could finally get down to the discussion portion of the day. She made her way out of bed and into the bathroom. Lena decided to clean up their breakfast dishes so she headed downstairs. She was so happy that they got to just spend the day together, but was really not looking forward to the conversation that was bound to happen after Stef got out of the shower.

Lena decided that maybe she would just go and join her wife, so she made her way upstairs and into their bedroom. Once inside, she grabbed some clothes for herself and let herself into their bathroom. She could hear the water running and it sounded like Stef was already in, so she went as quietly as possible hoping to surprise her wife. She just really hoped that it was a good and welcomed surprise.

Stef never even heard her wife enter the bathroom, but began to relax once she heard the curtain move a bit and a pair of mocha arms surrounded her middle. Soon she felt Lena rest her head on her shoulder and just relaxed and leaned back into the embrace, just glad to have her wife's arms around her. A lot had been going on and had happened in the past few months, but she was extremely glad that Lena had finally been honest with her. As much as it hurt, she love the woman behind her with all of her heart and then some and just couldn't imagine life without her.

Stef turned around in her wife's arms and held on to her a tight as she possibly could. She loved that Lena was still willing to work on thier relationship and that she hadn't decided that there might be greener pastures with her much younger boss. Stef finally leaned in and planted a very passionate kiss on her woman. Lena gladly returned the gesture and both women just stood their kissing one another under the fall of water leaving the shower head.

Eventually they both decided that they should hurry up and finish their shower. The water was starting to get cold and neither woman wanted to waste the opportunity to clean up. Soon they were both out of the shower and dressing. They also decided to brush their teeth together and it seemed like they were both willing to do anything to avoid the impending conversation that was so important.

They both made there way downstairs so that they could at least discuss what they needed to over a cup of tea.

* * *

Once downstairs, each woman took a seat at the table after Stef grabbed the mugs and Lena poured them each a cup of tea. Stef could see the worry lines forming on her wife's face and as difficult as this was for her, she realiezed that it probably was a lot harder on Lena. In order to hopefully make her wife feel better, she extended arm across the table and took her wife's hand in her own.

Stef was the first to speak since just sitting there looking at each other was really not doing them any good.

"Honey, I know that this is hard, but I think we should just sit the kids down tonight and tell them that we have been having some problems. They seem to all be walking on egg shells around us and I just want them to know that no matter what happens, they are our kids and they aren't going anywhere."

Lena sighed, but she really knew that it was what needed to happen.

"What do you think that we should tell them, I mean, should I tell them... you know, what I did? I just don't want them to lose their faith in me. I know that you are working on forgiving me, but I am not sure that we should tell them that."

"Lena, I think that what they need from us is to be honest and answer their questions. Do I think that they need all of the details? Absolutely not. I don't care what you want to tell them, but I think we just need to tell them that we are working on us and may need to have some time to ourselves once in a while so that we can do that and just connect with each other. I think that we mainly just have to let them know that everything will work out how it is supposed to and that it will be okay. That is what I think really helped Jude, so I don't know why wouldn't it be enough for everyone else. Just remember, I will be with you the entire time and we will deal with this the way that we deal with everything else, together."

Lena squeezed her wife's hand. She loved that Stef generally had an answer for every problem that she faced. She felt so lucky that her wonderful wife was still willing to stand by her side. There was something about telling the kids that just scared her, but she would go to the end of the Earth if Stef was beside her.

"Okay Stef, I think you are right. If we aren't honest with them then they are more likely to worry. Thank you for standing bestide me through all of this, I know I made a huge mistake, but I am going to do everything in my power to make it up to you. I love you."

"I love you too, babe. Now there is just one more thing that I think we need to talk about."

Those words made Lena's heart sink. She was really hoping that Stef wouldn't remember all of their conversation from last night. She knew that there were some things that she had been struggling with, but she really didn't want Stef to know all about it. Unfortuantly it seemed as if she did. Maybe she would be able to convice her wife that she was just fine, but then again, Stef was the one person in the world who was able to see right through any charade she attempted to put on. It had taken her a while to notice, but once she did, she saw right through Lena's act.

"I know that a lot of things have happened in the last few months and I know that you have been having a hard time. I am so sorry that I didn't see it before, and from what Monte said, it has been going on for way too long. I am so, so sorry that I hadn't noticed before, and that is my fault. It kills me to know that you have been suffering and I haven't been there or been able to help you. I love you so much Lena and I just want to help you get over this hurddle."

The look on Lena's face was enough for Stef to know that Lena was going to try to downplay the situation or deny it all together.

"Stef, I'm fine. There is no reason for you to be sorry. I had a bit of a rough time there for a while, but I am fine now. I just sort of fell apart for a minute, but I promise you, everything is fine."

Stef couldn't believe that Lena was going to do this. She knew that her wife was hurting and she wanted to make it better. If there was any hope for their relationship, she had to get Lena to open up to her and be willing to accept the help that she obviously needed. Stef did hope that maybe Lena would listen if she opened up a bit as well.

"I know that you want to be fine babe, but it is okay if you aren't. I know that I am not. Losing a child is the hardest thing that anyone could ever possibly go through. I know that it killed me when I was faced with the choice between saving you or possibly saving our baby and risking losing you." Lena was in tears by this point and Stef had tears silently streaming down her face. She finally found her voice enough to continue. "When I was faced with that choice, I had made my decision right then. As much as I loved our child, I love you too much to ever risk losing you. You are the best thing that has happened to me other than our children and there is no way that I could possibly take the risk of losing you. Even though I know that I would never have been able to do it differently, I still think about it often and I still feel like there should have been something that I could have done to change the way that things worked out. Now I can't imagine what you went through when we lost her, but I do know that if I am still suffering, you are too. It has got to be the hardest thing in the world to carry a child inside of you and not ever be able to meet them." After a brief pause to allow what she had just said sink in, Stef made her point. "Now tell me that you are okay."

Lena immediately fell apart. She was not okay, and knowing that her wife wasn't either made it a bit easier to admit to that fact. Stef ran to the other side of the table and took Lena in her arms. Lena was hurting and just needed the comfort that only her wife could give her.

"I...I'm not okay, Stef. I miss her, I miss her so much," Lena said through the sniffles and sobs.

"I know love, but I think that we can find someone who can help you through this. Maybe even help us through this."

Stef continued to hold her wife and just be there for her. She knew that the idea of seeing a therapist didn't always sit well with her, but if it was something that would help Lena stop hurting, she would do it in a heartbeat. Lena was the one that had to make the decision though, she couldn't force her.

Finally, Lena felt like she might be able to speak.

"I think your right Stef, maybe a therapist would help me get through this and maybe they could help you too. I just want everything to go back to normal. I hate feeling this way."

"Okay Love, then we will find a therapist for you and maybe for me too. We will get through this together just like we always have. I love you so much and I want you to be happy. When you are in pain, so am I and I wish that there was something that I could do to take it all away, but I think that sometimes we all need a little bit of help."

Lena leaned forward and gently kissed her wife. How had she been so lucky to find a woman who was willing to forgive and forget as well as just be there for her when she needed it. Therapy didn't sound like the most appealing thing in the world, but if there was a chance that it would help, she had to try it. She was willing to do anything to save her marriage and she just wanted to stop hurting.

"Thank you for being here with me Stef. I know that you are still upset and I hate that I hurt you, but thank you for still being here with me. I love you."

"I love you too. Now what do you say about maybe watching a movie and snuggling on the couch for a while. I think that we have had enough serious conversation for awhile and we will have to talk to the kids after they get home, but I think I would just like to spend some alone time holding my wife."

"That sounds really nice Stef."

With that, the two women made their way into the living room and picked out a movie. They then curled up on the couch and just enjoyed being together. Neither was looking forward to the conversation that they would have to have with their children later, but for now, they were just happy to be there with other.

* * *

**AN: I hope that everyone is enjoying the story. I would love to hear any ideas that you might have about the kids reaction or just the story in general. Feel free to private message me or leave ideas in the reviews. I really appreciate all of the reviews and any suggestions and I love hearing about your thoughts on the story. I will try to update again here in the next week. Thanks for reading.**

**Endevour**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do now own the Fosters.**

* * *

It seemed that both mothers had fallen asleep during the movie that they were watching. The sound of the door was enough to wake Stef. She slipped out of Lena's arms carefully so that Lena could sleep a little longer. She knew that this was going to be a very difficult conversation for both of them, but mainly for Lena since the kids would most likely be angry with her.

Stef made her way to the kitchen where the kids were gathering.

"Hey everyone, lets keep it down for a bit okay. Mama is sleeping and she really needs it."

Stef was greeted with a bunch of "sure Mom's" as all of the kids dispersed upstairs to work on their homework.

Stef decided that since there were going to be having a difficult talk here soon that dinner would just have to be pizza since she figured that it would take a while to get past everything that needed to be discussed and most likely niether mother would feel like cooking after that.

* * *

About an hour had passed when Stef decided that she really should wake Lena so that they could get this over with. She woke Lena with soft kisses and then the hard part came.

"Lena, honey, the kids are home, so I think we need to get this done."

Lena sighed, but knew that Stef was right. It was something that needed to be done and she couldn't keep putting it off forever.

"Why don't you call the kids down Stef. I am going to run to the bathroom quick and then we can talk to them."

"Okay my love."

Lena made her way to the downstairs bathroom to give herself a chance to wake up and a minute to compose herself before she had to go and face her children.

"Everyone, I need you downstairs for a family meeting. Shake a leg," Stef shouted up the stairs and it wasn't too long before everyone started making their way into the living room. Callie, Jude and Mariana sat on the couch as Brandon and Jesus sat in the chairs next to the couch. Stef made her way over to a chair across from the couch and soon she saw Lena who took a seat next to her in the other chair.

Everyone could sense the akwardness, but Brandon was the first to speak. "So what's going on Mom?"

Stef decided that she needed to take the lead on this since Lena was already shaking. Stef took Lena's hand in her own and then decided that she needed to tell her children something.

"Okay guys, I know that you have been worried about Mama and I and so we need to talk about why things have been a little off. Now before we start talking about everything that has happened, I need you to remember that no matter what, Mama and I are always here for you and we love you all so much. There is nothing that could ever change that."

Jude was the one to speak up next. "We know that Mom, is this about Mama being sad?"

"Yes Jude. Now I know that you and I have talked about it, but I think that everyone else is still a bit unsure. Anyway, I am going to tell you that Mama and I have been going through some things lately and I know that you kids have been sensing that. I am sorry, I never wanted any of you to worry about anything that has to do with me and Mama."

"Wait, are you guys breaking up," Jesus asked in shock.

Lena started to answer and just couldn't get any words out, so Stef jumped in. "No, Mama and I are not breaking up. Okay? Does everyone understand that?"

All of the children nodded in their understanding.

Tears started to run down Lena's face which seemed to worry the kids even more. When Jesus saw how upset Lena was, his mind went directly to a horrible place.

"Mom, what did you do? Why is Mama so upset," Jesus asked with anger in his voice.

Stef didn't know how to respond to that so she did her best to not portray Lena as the bad guy. "Jesus, I know that you are upset, but no one did anything. Sometimes things happen when you have been together so long and it is not intentional. Sometimes two people just don't know how to talk to each other after so much time and I mean really talk. Things happen in life and it complicates things."

Callie, Mariana and Brandon were all quite, but Jude seemed to understand and did not seem to pass any judgement. He made his way over to Lena and gave her a hug which caused her to start crying even harder. Jesus seemed to be fuming and after that explaination, he was certain that something had happened. He knew that he couldn't just stand by while his Mama was so clearly upset and if she wasn't willing to confront Stef, then he was.

"Mom, did you cheat? How could you have? How could you have hurt Mama like that," he shouted in anger.

That statement was enough to greatly anger Stef. How could her son ever think that she would do something to hurt Lena. How could she make him believe that she didn't cheat on Lena without telling them what she did. She just closed her eyes and attempted to keep herself composed. She felt Lena's grip on her hand tighen a bit and Lena managed to calm herself after her sons last statement. Lena knew that Stef wanted to confront him on that, but she also saw the deep hurt in her wife's eyes. She had to make sure that her children knew it was not Stef's fault that they were having a hard time.

"Jesus, Jesus listen to me" Lena said in a rather forceful voice in an attempt to get him to pay attention. "Your Mom didn't cheat on me and she hasn't done anything wrong. I...I was the one that did something wrong." Lena managed that last statement and then burst into tears again.

Each child felt like they had just been punched in the gut. It killed Lena to have to admit that she had been the one that had almost cheated and it hurt her even more that her actions caused her son to blame her wife for hurting her.

"How could you do that Mama?" Mariana asked in a fairly nasty tone. Lena was trying so hard to compose herself, but with her daughter asking her that question, she just couldn't keep it together.

Stef saw how torn up Lena was, and she knew that she had to shut this down before any of her other children made Lena feel worse.

"Okay everyone, listen up and I mean very carefully. Mama didn't cheat on me. She made a small mistake and I have forgiven her for that. What happened is really none of your business, but we wanted you to all know that we are just going through a bit of a rough patch right now. I don't want to hear anything else about that unless you all want us to remind you of all of the mistakes that you have made. Understood?"

All of the children nodded their heads and sat back in their respective seats. They were all clearly angry and none of them really knew what to say. Stef couldn't stand seeing Lena like this and pulled her over into her own chair so that she could take her wife in her arms.

"I think that I need to tell them what happened," Lena whispered into Stef's ear in between sobs.

"That is up to you love, but I don't think that they need all of the details," Stef whispered back.

Lena finally turned around to face her children. She had stopped choking on her sobs, but tears still silently ran down her face.

"Everyone, I made a big mistake. I didn't cheat on your Mom, but I did kiss someone else. It meant nothing and I was just really upset. I know that is no excuse, but your Mom has forgiven me and I know that it will take time, but I hope that you can too. I am so... so sorry for what I did, but I can assure you all that nothing like that will ever happen again."

"I still don't know how you could have done that," Jesus stated in an angry tone.

"Just cause you were upset didn't give you the right to hurt Mom," Mariana said as she threw herself back into the couch. Tears were forming in her eyes, but the anger just won out at this time.

"Mom, how could you just forgive her after what she has done," Brandon asked. He too had tears in his eyes, but he didn't know if he would ever be able to forgive Lena for what she had done to his mother.

The only children that didn't have something to say were Callie and Jude. They were the two that seemed to realize that if Stef could forgive Lena, they could as well. Jude knew that Stef had told him that everything was going to be alright, and she made sure that what she had said was true. When he was upset, she was there to comfort him and make sure that he knew that his Mama was okay. He also knew that there was more to the story based on what he and Stef had talked about, but he didn't think that it was his place to share that information.

After seeing the dissapointed and angry looks on her children's faces, Lena couldn't stand to be in that room any longer. She pulled herself away from Stef and made her way up the stairs to their bedroom as the waterworks started again. Stef wanted nothing more than to go and comfort her wife when she heard her start to cry again, but right now, she really needed to deal with her children. She knew that they were angry, but she also knew that there was more to this than what they had told the kids.

"I know you guys are angry, believe me, I was really angry too, but right now, I need you to take it easy on Mama. She knows that she made a mistake, but we all make mistakes and in our lifetimes, we will make hundreds. Mama is going through a lot now. She is still really upset about Frankie and I think that it has taken a bigger toll on her than we realized. It is a hard thing to lose a baby and she was upset. Neither one of us has been doing very well with talking to each other, so part of this is my fault as well. We are going to work through this, and I know that you are going to be angry for a while, but try your best to not make Mama feel any worse than she already does."

"She should feel bad, I don't care if she is hurting, it doesn't give her the right to do what she did," Brandon stated matter of factly.

"B, calm down. I know that is how you all feel, but I can tell you that sometimes things happen and we don't have any control over it. It was an accident and it was wrong, but one thing you should realize is that Mama didn't have to tell me. She could have chosen to not tell me a thing and just go on with her life. We have always been honest with each other and that is one reason why we are able to get through something like this. It took a lot of courage for her to tell me about this, okay, so you should admire her bravery. She knew that being honest with me about this would make it possible for us to save our relationship and she did that as much for you guys as she did for me. Your Mama loves you so much and would never hurt any of us on purpose, so just remember that. I am going to go an check on her right now so I will give you some money to order pizza. I would really appreciate it if you would watch a movie down her for a while so that we can have some alone time."

Each of the children stood and hugged their mother. Stef decided to make her way into the kitchen to get a few glasses of water before going upstairs to be with her wife. It was there that she heard the footsteps of one of her children. She turned around to see Jesus standing there with tears in his eyes and a guilty look on his face.

"Mom, I am so sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't know and I didn't ever mean to hurt you. Mama was just so upset that I thought something had happened and all of these things started going through my head. I can't believe I blamed you when it was really her. Can you forgive me?"

Jesus had tears running down his face and Stef knew that she needed to be their for her son. It was his protectiveness that was one of the things she loved most about her son. His words were enough to bring tears to her eyes as she moved forward and hugged her son.

"Baby, I know that you were just trying to protect Mama and that is one thing that I love about you. I know that you didn't mean to hurt me and of course I forgive you. Now why don't you go an enjoy a movie with your brothers and sisters okay."

Jesus pulled out of his mother's embrace and made his way back into the living room. Stef decided that now all she had to do was take care of her wife.

* * *

As Stef climbed the stairs with a couple of glasses of water in her hands, she could hear Lena still crying in their bedroom. As she made her way to the door, she heard Lena saying "I'm sorry" over and over again between sobs. This broke Stef's heart and when she opened the door, she found her wife curled up into a small ball laying on their bed, hugging Stef's pillow.

Stef immediately shut and locked their door and made her way over to her wife's night stand where she placed the water. She then crawled up onto the bed behind her wife and wrapped her arms around her. Lena was shaking hard from all of the crying that she had been doing and tried to pull away from Stef. All she really wanted was to be held by Stef, but after having to sit down with her kids, she finally realized that she didn't deserve that. How could she expect Stef to forgive her after what she had done.

Stef felt Lena pull away and figured it was probably because of guilt. She wrapped her arms more snugly around her wife and pulled her into her body as tightly as possible. After just holding her wife for five minutes, Lena finally turned around to face Stef. She burried her head in to the crook of Stef's neck.

"They...they hate me, Stef," Lena choked out as Stef held her even tighter.

"They don't hate you my love, they were just a little upset. I promise that they will get over it. They love you so much and they know that it was just a mistake. I think it may take them some more time to realize it, but they understand that everone makes mistakes. Callie and Jude didn't seem angry, just more worried about you."

"I am so sorry Stef, I feel horrible that Jesus blamed you at first. I should have never let it get that far."

Lena was practially in Stef's lap at that point and Stef knew that she felt bad about that, but it wasn't that big of a deal and he had apologized to her.

"Baby, it is really okay. He came and apologized to me. I told the kids that you are having a rough time, but I know that with a little bit of time, they will all forgive you and we will move on with our lives. I love you so much and I know that you never meant to hurt anyone."

"I didn't Stef, I swear."

"I know my love. We are going to get through all of this and tomorrow I will try to find you a therapist so that we can get you feeling better about everything. I feel horrible that you are hurting and I would do anything to take your pain away."

"Thank you Stef. I don't know what I would have done if you had left me. I love you so much and I feel like I am missing a part of me when you are not right here beside me."

"I feel the same Lena," Stef said as she wiped the tears from her wife's face. "Why don't we go an take a bath together and then we can just relax for the rest of the night. We will deal with the rest of this tomorrow."

"That sounds really good. Thank you."

With that, both women made their way into the bathroom hoping that they would be able to just enjoy some time to themselves and Stef really hoped that Lena would finally relax. This had been a difficult thing for both women, but they knew that they would be able to get through anything just because of the love that they have for each other.

* * *

AN: Thank you everyone for reading. I am sorry that I have not been able to update sooner. I was without internet for quite a while and have had several family deaths, so things have been really crazy. I hope that you enjoy this chapter and keep reading. I will be attempting to update a few other stories here in the next few weeks. Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave reviews, they really make my day. Also any suggestions you might have are extremely appreciated.

Thanks again,

Endevour


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own the** **Fosters.**

* * *

The next morning came way too fast for Lena, but she knew that she was going to have to face her children sometime. When she woke up, she noticed that Stef was not in bed and figured that she had gotten up to get breakfast ready for the kids. She didn't have to work today, but for some reason, Stef was very rarely able to sleep in even when she didn't have to go to work. Lena decided that she would go and grab a shower so that she could have a little more alone time before having to face the world.

After her shower, Lena made her way downstairs to see all of her children sitting around the table eating pancakes. There was some conversation, but as soon as they noticed her presence, all conversation ceased. Stef looked up the stairs and saw her wife coming down, so she automatically poured a cup of coffee and made her way to the bottom of the stairs.

"Good morning, Love," Stef said as she handed her wife the cup of coffee and gently kissed her on the lips.

"Good morning, Stef. Morning everyone."

Jude was the only kid to actually acknowledge his mother. "Good morning Mama. Mom made pancakes, would you like some?"

"Actually, I have to get to work early, but thank you for asking."

Stef could see the hurt on her wife's face from the way that the kids were acting, but figured Lena just wanted to get away so she didn't say anything about her leaving for work so early. She went over to the counter and got a banana. She then took Lena's hand and both women made their way out the front door.

"Here honey, you have to have something to eat," Stef said as she handed Lena the fruit and a to go cup of coffee.

"They really do hate me Stef."

"Baby, listen to me, they do not hate you. They may be a little angry right now, but they will get over it. I did."

"I am really sorry again Stef. I never ever meant to hurt you and the fact that I did kills me," Lena said in a somber voice.

"Honey, I need you to stop apologizing. If we are going to move on, we both need to look at it as something that happened in the past. I am over it, I promise and I know that you never meant to hurt me. I love you so much and we will get through this, I promise and I know that with time, the kids will stop being so angry. Now have a good day at work."

Stef kissed Lena slowly and made sure that she conveyed just how much she loved her in that moment. After their kiss ended, Lena made her way to her car and then headed for work.

* * *

Once Stef was back in the house, she heard chatter coming from the kitchen. She walked in on a heated discussion between Callie and the rest of the kids.

"You guys need to lighten up. Lena did something wrong, but if Stef can forgive her for it, you shouldn't be punishing her. She already feels bad enough, anyone with half a brain can see that."

"Well, its not your Mom she cheated on," Brandon said in an angry tone.

"Stef and Lena might not be my Moms yet, but I love them as much as you do, Brandon. Why don't you stop being such a jerk," Callie yelled at him.

Stef knew that she had to interject, so she cleared her throat and when the bickering continued, it was her turn to raise her voice.

"Okay, Enough!"

Everyone in the kitchen immediately turned to see her standing in the doorway.

"Listen, first of all, Brandon you need yo apologize to Callie for what you just said. She is our daughter no matter what, and I know that you know that. Callie, I appreciate you standing up for your Mama and I think that everyone might need to listen to what Callie is saying. Mama made a mistake. She is human just like the rest of us and I know that you are angry, but it is not your place to punish her for anything that she did, and it is not your place to make her feel horrible. She knows that she hurt me and you guys and she is sorry about it. Right now she needs our support, not your criticism. What is going on between us is frankly none of your business right now and all of this bickering needs to stop. I am understood?"

"Yes Mom," was Callie, Jude, Jesus and Mariana's answer.

"Brandon?"

"Yes Mom. I am sorry, and Callie, I am sorry that I said that, I know that they are your parents as much as they are ours."

"Alright, now that that is settled, you all need to get going before you are late for school. Have a good day everyone."

All of the kids hugged Stef before making their way out the door. She was not expecting that sort of a reaction from them and especially not from Brandon. It was looking like they were going to have to have a few more family discussions before everyone actually got over all of this.

* * *

After getting everything cleaned up from breakfast, Stef decided to start looking for therapists for Lena. She spend the morning on the computer going over a giant list of psychologists. She didn't know how well Lena would respond to a male therapist, so she decided to only look at the female ones. She also decided it might be best to go through the list of gay friendly ones that she had found. It seemed like she had been looking for hours, but then found one that looked as if she might be able to help Lena. This woman's name was Dr. Elizabeth Dubenko. Her profile said that she was an LGBT friendly therapist that worked with both individuals as well as couples and that she had specialized training in grief therapy. Stef was certain that she could help Lena with the loss of their baby, and maybe even help them both get through the rough waters that they had been sailing in lately.

Stef decided to give her office a call and since she apparently owned the practice, she was able to speak to Dr. Dubenko directly and explain some of the situation. She only mentioned that she and Lena had lost a baby as she didn't really see it as her place to mention everything else that was going on between the two of them. After talking to this woman, Stef felt extremely confident that this doctor would be able to help her get the old Lena back and help them through everything that had been going on. She was also able to make an appointment for Lena the next morning.

With all of this figured out, Stef decided that it might be nice to surprise Lena with a nice lunch. She used to always drop by and have lunch with Lena, but as things got busy and they had more kids running around, it was something that just didn't happen very often anymore and she knew that she missed it. With it almost being lunchtime, she decided to head for the small deli that was around the corner from the school and pick them up some salad and sandwiches. Being able to have lunch with Lena would also giver her a chance to tell her about the appointment that she made for her with the therapist.

* * *

Lena had stepped out of her office for a few minutes when it was time for lunch and made a quick trip outside to the picnic area just in time to see all of her children sitting together and starting to enjoy their lunch. She didn't want to disturb them, so she turned and made her way back to her office. She was really hoping that they would't stay mad at her forever, but she also knew that they had a right to be angry. It may take them longer to get over it than Stef had, and she really could't blame them since four of her five children knew what it was like to be without a family and without anyone they could trust. She really hoped that she hadn't caused more trust issues with them because of what she had done.

When she finally made it back to her office, she opened the door to find Stef sitting on the couch with a back of food in front of her. A smile immediately came to her face as it had been so long since they had done this and now that Stef was here, she realized just how much she missed it.

"Hey babe, what are you doing here?"

"Well, I just thought that I would come have lunch with a very beautiful vice-principle. Have you happened to see one around?"

That elicited a laugh from Lena. Leave it to her wife to resort to the bad jokes before they had even properly greeted each other.

"Well, I am sorry, I think that the beautiful vice-principle has left for the day."

"I guess that it too bad, but I certainly do see one standing in front of me that I would really like to have lunch with."

With that, Stef moved forward and took Lena in her arms as she kissed her passionately, eliciting a small moan from the taller woman.

They both moved to take their place on the couch and Stef pulled out the salads and grilled chicken sandwiches that she brought as well as some bottles of water.

"Stef, this looks great. Thank you for coming, it has been a difficult day with the kids being so mad at me, but getting to sit here with you has made my day so much better."

"I am here for you, anytime you need me. I promise to always be here Lena, I love you so much. Plus it isn't everyday that I get to have lunch with my incredibly sexy wife."

"Well, thank you anyway. I really do appreciate it."

"I also wanted to tell you that I found a therapist for us to see. Her name is Dr. Dubenko, and I spoke to her earlier today. I think that she can really help us and maybe help you with Frankie. I made us an appointment for tomorrow morning, I hope that it alright. I have to work the afternoon shift tomorrow, so we should be able to go to the appointment and then grab some lunch before I have to go to work."

"I don't know about this Stef. Now that I think about it, maybe I was just upset and maybe we don't need to see a therapist," Lena said with uncertainty in her voice and almost a frightened look on her face.

"Honey, I know that this doesn't sound fun, but you told me how you felt and I just really think that it would be a good idea for you to go. In fact, I think it would be a good idea for both of us to go. We can go and meet her tomorrow, and if you don't like her then we will figure something else out, okay? If you decided that you don't want me to come into the session with you, that is okay too. All I want is for you to start feeling better. I promise that no one is going to be judging you."

"Okay. You are probably right, we should at least try it before dismissing the idea completely."

Stef then leaned over and took Lena in her arms. She could see the struggle Lena was having with this idea, but she also knew that without some sort of professional help that Lena wasn't going to get any better.

"Don't worry about it my Love, everything is going to be just fine," Stef said as she gently rocked Lena in her arms.

Both women then decided to finish their lunch and talk about something else after finally breaking apart. After they finished eating, Stef made her way home and Lena went back to work. They both knew that it would take some time for their family to start functioning again like it used to, but they were also glad that they were on the right path to getting things all worked out. Stef loved Lena with a passion that she had never known before she met this amazing woman and she knew that Lena felt the same way. In the end, she knew it would all work out, and now they just needed to get over a few speed bumps which she really hoped the therapist would be able to help them with.

* * *

**AN: Thanks for reading. Please feel free to leave reviews and any ideas that you might have. I have had a lot of writers block on all of my stories and all of your ideas and responses greatly help me with my writing. Thanks again, **

**Endevour. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

After Stef went home, Lena got to thinking about what she had said. Sure it made sense that she needed some help, but after the appointment had actually been made, she started thinking that it really wasn't necessary. She had Stef after all and why did she need to go spend money to talk to a stranger when her wife was right there waiting to be let in on what was going on in her mind. She felt horrible for not letting Stef in sooner, but if she couldn't let the one person that she trusted completely in, then how would she be able to let a stranger into what was going on in her mind. Logically she knew that it wouldn't be quite as difficult as the thought, but there was just something that was bothering her about this.

She tried to get as much work done as possible, but her mind kept traveling to what might happen tomorrow. She decided that she needed to let Monte know that she would be late, but she was also hoping that once she got home, she would be able to talk Stef out of this idea. She was deep in thought when a knock on the door brought her out of her trance.

"Come in," she said in her strong vice-principal voice.

As soon as the door opened, she let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding and Monte walked in to her office, closing the door behind her.

"Hey Monte, what's up?"

"I just needed to drop off some of these grant proposals for you to read. Are you alright? You look like you just saw a ghost."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Lena, is everything alright? You seem a little out of it and sort of like something is really taking a toll on you."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. By the way, is it alright if I come in late tomorrow?"

"Sure. Actually, why don't you take the whole day off, you look like you could really use a break."

After that, Monte reached into her pocket and pulled out something that Lena recognized immediately as Monte sat it on her desk.

"Plus I am certain that the doctor also calls for chocolate. It always helps me when my mind is on overdrive."

Lena graciously accepted the chocolate. "Thank you, I think you are right, this will help."

"Anytime Lena. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you out."

With that, Monte made her way out of Lena's office and shut the door behind her. Lena finally felt a little better, but the idea of seeing a therapist still weighed heavily on her mind. About that time, another thought struck her mind. What about Stef? Lena hadn't even though about it much when Stef said that the therapist could help 'them'. What was she going to do about that. If Stef heard half of the things that were going on in her mind, she would not only be angry, but she would also be hurt. She had caused enough pain for Stef and she really didn't want to add to it. She finally decided that she would just have to be extremely careful of what she said during this appointment so that she didn't hurt her wife anymore than she already had and didn't anger her either.

* * *

By the time that Lena had gotten done reading the grant proposals, it was past time to go home. She was really glad that Stef had had the day off which meant that she wouldn't have to come up with something to have for dinner. That was another bad thing about having to work on those gran proposals, she always got home later than everyone except when Stef was on shift. Getting home later became an issue when there were five hungry teenagers waiting for you when you arrived.

When she pulled her car into the driveway, she noticed that Stef's car was gone. Since they had not had the time or the money to replace the Volvo, it either meant that Stef was gone or that Brandon had borrowed the car. She was really hoping that if it was Brandon that was gone, that he would be back in time for dinner. Since this entire mess started, all she wanted was for everything to go back to normal. She was hoping that a family dinner would allow her children to at least start speaking to her again and that they might actually start making progress towards getting back to normal.

As she opened the front door, she was surprised to hear silence. Usually when she got home, the house was filled with sounds of children and arguing. She made her way into the kitchen where she saw a pot of stew cooking on the stove and when she turned around, she was even more surprised to find the vase of red roses on the table. There was a card attached, and curiosity got the best of her as she read a hand written note that said_ " My Love, I know that you have been having a difficult time and I know it has been a hard day, so when you read this, please come up to the bedroom. I also hope that you like the flowers. I thought they were fitting as they were the only flowers at the shop that even came close to matching your beauty. -Stef."_

Lena immediately deposited her keys in the bowl by the front door and made her way up the stairs to her bedroom. When she walked through the door, she was greeted to the sight of Stef sitting on the end of their bed holding a single rose. She quickly discarded her purse and made her way over to the blonde woman who stood as she approached.

"Hello my Love. I hope you had a descent afternoon."

Stef then took the time to kiss Lena and hold her in her arms for a few extra seconds.

"Stef, thank you so much, the flowers are beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as the amazing woman standing in front of me."

Then a thought hit Lena, she hadn't seen any kids at all. That was extremely unusual and Stef hadn't said anything about them yet which made her wonder what Stef was up to.

"Hey babe, where are all of the kids?"

A smile slowly crept its way onto Stef's face. "I sent them all out for the night. Then Jude, Jesus and Mariana are staying with friends and Brandon and Callie are staying over at Mike's. I was thinking that we needed some alone time and tonight might just be a good night to reconnect a little."

Stef then took Lena by the hands and led her over to sit on the bed. There she took Lena's face in her hands and started to kiss her passionately. Lena's body immediately began to respond as she wrapped her arms around Stef. Just as Stef started to unbutton her blouse, the smoke detector interrupted them and Stef remembered the stew that she had left on the stove. She launched off the bed and down the stairs as fast as her legs could carry her with Lena right behind her. When Lena walked into the kitchen, she saw Stef removing the pot from the stove.

"Well, sorry my Love. It would appear that I scorched dinner a bit."

Lena giggled but it really didn't matter to her. All she wanted to do was be with Stef.

"Its okay baby. It looks salvageable. I am sure that it is perfect."

"Well, since dinner is done, maybe we should eat now. That way we can have 'other stuff' with dessert."

That was enough to elicit full blown laughter from Lena. Stef was always trying so hard to be the romantic, but no matter what, something always ended up in her way. Tonight was no different, but Lena really loved these moments that she shared with Stef, even if they weren't perfect.

* * *

The two women then sat down to a nice dinner. They were able to scoop the stew out around the scorched patches which made Stef feel a little better. They also enjoyed a glass of wine while talking about their days. Stef had just done some house cleaning, so she didn't really have anything exciting to discuss, but Lena talked about all of the grant proposals that she had had to go through. She also wanted to make sure that Stef knew how much she enjoyed their lunch together.

"I am really glad you came by for lunch today. It was really nice and it has been so long since we have done it that I forgot how much I love it. I think we should try to do that more often."

"I think your right Lena. I really enjoyed getting some time to spend alone with my amazing wife. Now how about we head upstairs and continue our evening. I will get the dishes in the morning."

Stef placed all of their dishes in the sink and then took Lena's hand leading her up the stairs and into the bedroom. It had been a while since they had made love. The last time was even before the kiss and the downward spiral that followed it. Lena began to feel as if taking this step meant that they really were moving on and that everything was going to be alright, just as Stef had said. Stef's actions made everything feel like it was finally back to normal.

Stef shut the bedroom door and led Lena over to the bed. They started to kiss passionately and Stef began to slowly undress Lena. As she finished the buttons of her blouse and was just about to remove it, Lena quickly pulled away. This left Stef with a totally confused look on her face as she backed up to give Lena a little space. Lena was even surprised by her own reaction.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"I don't know Stef, I'm sorry."

"Hey, its okay. If you don't want to continue, its alright."

Tears started to form in Lena's eyes. She loved Stef more than anything, but she just felt really uncomfortable all of a sudden. She hadn't thought that it would be difficult to be with Stef again, but after the whole thing with Monte, she was starting to feel like she was being judged which she knew Stef would never do.

"Lena, honey, I need you to talk to me," Stef said as she moved forward and wrapped Lena up in her arms. She was crying hard now and Stef had no idea what to do about it other than just trying to comfort her wife.

"I...I just don't know if I can go through with this Stef," Lena sobbed. "I know how much I hurt you and I don't know how you have been able to let me back in. I don't deserve your love and I just don't think that I am ready to go on just yet. I think I might need a little more time before I can do this."

Those words broke Stef's heart. She knew that Lena was upset and would wait for her to be ready to go though with it for as long as Lena needed, but how could she ever feel like she didn't deserve to be with Stef.

"Baby, you deserve the world. I never want to hear you say that you don't. I love you so much and I will wait for as long as you need, but I need you to know that you deserve everything and I am never going to judge you. I will be here when you are ready to continue on. Maybe seeing this therapist will help you get through that feeling as well."

The way that Lena tensed when the therapist was mentioned did not go unnoticed by Stef.

"Baby, what's wrong? You really tensed up when I mentioned the therapist. Please talk to me."

"I just... I just really don't want to go Stef. I have been thinking about it all day, and I just don't think I need it. What good is it going to do when I can just talk to you?"

"Honey, I am sorry to have to say this, but I don't think talking to me is helping you. I know that you are hurting, but I don't know what to do about it. I love you so much, but I am not sure if I can help you the way that you need to be helped."

"I just don't think I can talk about the things that are going on. I don't think that I will be able to open up to a stranger and tell them what I am feeling. I.. I just don't know if I want someone else to know about all of the things going on in my head and I really don't want to hurt you more."

That statement was a bit odd, and all of a sudden things started to dawn on Stef. Lena wasn't afraid of letting the therapist know what was going on in her mind, she was afraid of letting Stef in. Maybe she was just embarrassed, but maybe she just didn't know how to tell Stef some of the things that she was feeling. Maybe she was worried about how Stef would react. This made Stef hurt, but she also knew that if her wife was going to get through this that she needed to feel safe and loved above everything else and Stef was going to make sure that Lena knew that she would always be there for her.

"Baby, are you afraid of letting me in or maybe of what I might think?"

This made Lena tear up even more. She hadn't really thought about it that way, but now that Stef had said it, it seemed like she had just hit the nail on the head. It took Lena a little while to speak, but she finally did after slowly pulling away from Stef.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have, and I don't want you to know how messed up my mind really is. I didn't know how bad it had gotten, but if you knew some of the things that were going on in my mind, you might just leave. That would kill me."

Stef immediately took the taller woman in her amrs and pulled her close.

"Baby, I promise you that I will not leave. What ever is going on in you head is no reason for you to be scared of what I might think. I love you more than life itself and all I want is for you to get feeling better. This therapist is the one that can help you do that. I think that you are just depressed from losing Frankie and having things sort of fall apart after that. I think that is why you are so worried about everything. I will always be here for you and as long as you believe that, I think it will help you. Now I don't want to force you to do something that you don't want to do, but I think that if you go and see this woman, it will help. If it will make you feel better, I will even stay in the waiting room. Maybe later on if you like her we can start doing therapy together, but if you are more comfortable going in alone right now, that is perfectly alright. Why don't you try it just this once and then we can go from there okay my Love?"

"Thank you Stef. I think it might be better if I just do this alone right now. Maybe after I get a little more comfortable and understand what is going on with me a little more you could join in. I really appreciate you being here for me though."

"There isn't any other place that I want to be and I love you so much. What do you say about just snuggling for a bit?"

This brought a small smile to Lena's tear stained face as she shook her head.

"I would really like that Stef. Will you still go with me tomorrow?"

"Of course, my Love."

Both women made their way to the top of the bed. Lena curled up in Stef's arms with her head resting on Stef's chest. They both loved these moments and it always felt like there was so much love. Stef kissed Lena on the head. Lena felt bad about wasting their completely alone night, but it was really nice to be able to just be held by Stef without having to worry about being interrupted by kids. Lena really loved this woman and couldn't believe that she was so willing to forgive her and be there for her every time that she needed her. Lena was still feeling a little reluctant about going to see this therapist, but knowing that Stef would be there with her every step of the way brought a great comfort to her. It was in these moments that she realized that she was one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that had actually found her soul mate.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Lena's POV**

I wake up in the arms of my wife and realize that I have really missed this feeling of closeness. I also notice the horrible headache that I have and then realize it must have been the crying from last night. I can't believe that I actually said some of the things that I did last night. I love Stef so much, but I don't seem to know what is going on in my head right now and I just can't believe that I told her about some of my fears about going to see a therapist. After I had admitted that I didn't want her to know everything, I figured that she would be upset. I was apparently dead wrong. I don't know what I ever did to deserve the woman who is laying here with me. She was so understanding that I felt bad for wanting to exclude her from this step. I know that I want to involve her, but I also know that I might not be as open to sharing some of my deepest feelings when she is sitting there and able to hear them. I know that it is illogical to think that she would leave just because she heard some of those feelings, since we both know that she has had plenty of reasons to leave before now and has chosen to stay. She also seems to have forgiven me which is also interesting to me since I am not sure that it would be so easy for me to forgive and forget if our roles were reversed. I also realize that it is probably far from easy for her, but she has been standing by my side no matter what just as she swore she would the night we got married. I just don't understand how I got so lucky. She really is the most incredible woman I have ever met.

All of a sudden I am brought out of my thoughts by the sound of my wife's voice.

"Good morning, Love. What are you thinking about?"

"Oh, good morning babe. I... I was just thinking about how lucky I was to have found you."

"Lena, I think that we both know that I was the one that was lucky. I love you so much and I know for a fact that you are my one and only true love."

"Stef, how can you be so great. After everything, I don't know how you have managed to be there for me time and time again. You are such an amazing woman."

I then leaned over and kissed my wife. I know that she is amazing and after feeling as if I was so close to losing her, I want to make sure that I tell her just how much she means to me each and every day. She is my life. I feel complete when I am with her and I feel empty when we are apart. I am not about to make anymore mistakes that would jeopardize our life together. I need her to know that now more than ever and I know deep in my heart that she will always come through for me. I feel it in her touch and in the way that she tells me she loves me. I also feel it just being in her presence. I know that we are both flawed, but she is my flawed hero and I know that I can always count on her no matter what. I know that going to therapy is the right thing now, because I want to do everything in my power to make sure that I can be there for her in the same way that she has always been there for me.

Again I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of Stef's voice.

"Hey, why don't you grab a shower and I will go make us some breakfast. Then I will get a shower and we can head to your appointment. What time do you have to be at work?"

"Oh, uh, Monte told me to take the day off and any other time that I might need."

"Okay. I will just go and get started on breakfast. See you downstairs."

With a quick kiss, Stef made her way downstairs and I headed to the bathroom to grab a shower. I was glad that I could have a little bit of time with the kids being gone to hopefully relax and maybe prepare for my appointment. I knew that it wasn't really something that you could prepare for, but I decided to go through everything that had happened in my mind on the off chance that the therapist asked me about something that she had talked to Stef about. I wanted to do anything to keep from being caught off guard.

* * *

About twenty minutes later, I found myself dressed and heading down to the kitchen. When I walked through the door, I found Stef standing at the stove finishing up some bacon. She had made me waffles with a strawberry topping and I couldn't help but smile at the fact that I seemed to have the perfect wife.

"Feeling better, Love?"

"I am, thank you, and thank you for doing breakfast. Leave it up to you to make me one of my favorite meals."

"Anything for you, my Love. Oh, wait, I forgot the whipped cream in the fridge."

Before I knew it Stef had made her way to the fridge and then back to my plate, placing fresh whipped cream on top of the strawberries that were on my waffles. She then placed some bacon on my plate and we both just enjoyed having breakfast together without having to worry about all of the kids and if they had lunch and all of their things before downing as much food as we could with the little time that was left and then rushing off to work. Once we had finished eating, Stef ran upstairs to take a quick shwoer and I sat down on the couch to read until she was ready to go. Soon I heard footsteps coming down the stairs as she made her way over to me and took my hand.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah, lets get this over with."

We both walked to the car, and before long we were arriving at a very nice private office. The small building had a massive amount of flowers around it and the door had Dr. Elizabeth Dubenko neatly printed on it. As we go out of the car, I started to feel my heart race a bit and I realized that I was really nervous about this appointment. Stef was soon at my side and must have sensed my nervousness as she took my hand in hers and we made our way to the door. Once inside, we found ourselves in a very nicely decorated waiting room. I took a seat and Stef went to sign me in. She came back carrying a clipboard with all of the wonderful paperwork that you always seem to have to fill out every time you visit the doctor.

After staring at the questions on the papers for what seemed like forever, I felt Stef's hand on my leg.

"Baby, its not going to fill itself out," she said in a light tone. "I know that you are nervous about being here, but just answer the questions honestly. I promise no one is going to judge you."

Stef was right, if I wanted this to work, I was going to have to start being honest. Honest with the doctor, but also honest with myself. As soon as I finished filling out the forms and returning them to the front desk, a short red-haired woman appeared out of a door near the reception area.

"Lena?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm Lena Adams Foster."

"Hi, how are you doing? I'm Elizabeth Dubenko.

"Hello Dr. Dubenko, its nice to meet you. Oh, and this is my wife Stef," I said gesturing to Stef who had somehow managed to stand and join me by the reception desk without me even realizing it.

"Oh, please call me Liz. Its very nice to meet you both. I believe I spoke to you on the phone Stef," she said as she extended her hand and shook my hand then Stef's.

"Yes you did. Thank you so much for getting Lena in. You have a beautiful practice," Stef said.

"Well, thank you very much. It is nice that I can work in and own a small practice. I think that it is very important that each and every client feels welcome and comfortable. Well Lena, whenever you are ready."

I felt Stef's hand on my shoulder as she gave it a little squeeze. She then leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

"I will be right here when you're done love, okay?"

"Okay, I will see you in a little bit."

I then followed the doctor into a very homey room. There were several different chairs and a couch. I must say that this woman has really good taste. The atmosphere itself made me feel a little more at ease.

"Please take a seat wherever you are most comfortable," Liz said as she shut the door.

I wasn't sure what would make me more comfortable so I went ahead and took a seat on the couch. Liz then sat across form me in a chair.

"So Lena, let me just tell you a little bit about myself. I have been a psychologist for 15 years, and I deal with a lot of couples as well as a lot of grief counseling. I believe that the most successful type of therapy is the one that is patient centered and does require a lot of participation, but I also want you to feel comfortable. If at anytime something makes you uncomfortable, I would like you to tell me. The whole point of this process is to get you where you would like to be and I want to be able to get you there. If there is something that makes you uncomfortable, we will try to find a way to work through it and I want you to feel as if you can tell me anything. I also would like you to know that nothing that you say here or to me at anytime will every be repeated unless you want it to be. I also would like you to feel free to ask any questions that you make have and know that I will do my absolute best to answer them as honestly as possible. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself and then we can get down to business."

I was already starting to feel a little more at ease with this woman. I thought it would be difficult to talk to a stranger about everything that had been going on, but this woman seemed to have this energy that made me want to open up to her. She was so professional, but she also seemed to have this warm and welcoming personality that made me trust her more in the first ten minutes than I ever thought possible.

"Um, Stef and I have been together for almost 11 years. We were together for 10 and then got married last year. We have five amazing kids. Brandon is 17 and Stef's from her previous marriage. Mariana and Jesus are twins are 15 and came to us about 8 years ago. Callie is 17 and we started fostering her a little over a year ago and are in the process of trying to adopt her, and her brother Jude is 13 and we finalized his adoption about 8 months ago."

"Wow, five teenagers? You must have your hands full."

"You have no idea. It has been quite a trip. Stef and I hadn't planned on any other kids after the twins were adopted, but then their social worker called me about a temporary placement and once we had Callie and then Jude, we just couldn't live without them being a part of our family."

"It is very obvious that you love your children deeply. What do you and Stef do for a living?

"I am the vice-principle at Anchor Beach Charter School and Stef is a Corporal with the San Diego Police Department."

"Those are some very stressful jobs. I can't imagine being married to a police officer or having to put up with that many teenagers on a daily basis."

"It can be trying dealing with so many children on a daily basis, but it is a great honor to be able play a role in shaping the minds of our children and the future generation. I don't think I would change it for the world. Having Stef as a cop has been challenging at times, but after having been together for so long I have finally had to accept the risk that comes with her job. She was even shot last year. That was a very difficult thing to deal whit because it brought forth the fears that I had been trying to repress, but I told her at our wedding that if I was going to marry her, then I was going to marry all of her, including the cop. I love her too much to let something as simple as her job keep me away even if there are those risks."

"I can imagine that it was very difficult dealing with that sort of event. We all have fears that we try to repress, but when we do that, it seems as if something brings them to the forefront. I am glad that you were able to overcome that and it would appear to me just from what I saw in the waiting room that you mean the world to Stef. It has been a long time since I have seen a couple walk through those doors with the amount of love and support in their eyes that I saw in hers."

"She is really great. I am glad that she made this appointment for me. Things have been really difficult lately and I think that this might help."

"Well Lena, I am not going to lie to you. It will probably be hard work, but I would like to think that I am able to help and I know that sometimes just talking about everything that is going on in our lives can make us feel better. Stef mentioned that you lost your baby. I am so sorry, why don't you tell me a little bit about that."

This was the part that I had been dreading. How was I supposed to talk about something that made me hurt so badly. It was something that happened and there was nothing that I could do about it now, so why did we need to drudge it up? I know that talking about it will hurt, but I also know that I have been feeling depressed and I am sure that a good part of that started when we lost Frankie. I don't really know what to say, but I guess I should just be honest about it.

"Well, I lost the baby shortly after we adopted Jude. It was pre-eclampsia. We were told that we had to chose between my life and the baby's. I was ready to just wait it out, but after talking with Stef and my Mom, we knew that it wasn't meant to be," I said with tears in my eyes.

"Okay, that type of experience can be extremely traumatic. Why don't we go back to the beginning. Tell me about when you decided to have a baby."

"It was during a visit to the OB-GYN, I just asked her if it was even possible to get pregnant and she had said that it was. I had thought about having a baby from time to time, but we already had five kids. I really thought that it was crazy to even be asking, but there was just this part of me that really wanted to have a baby. I think that I also really wanted it because then it would tie me to someone in the house by blood. Everyone else is related to someone by blood in the house and I just really wanted that too. I also missed out on the early years of all of our kids. Stef at least had that with Brandon, but I never got to have that experience. I also did something really stupid, and hid that desire to have a baby from Stef. I kept it from her and she found out after she found the pre-natal vitamins that I was taking. "

"How did that go?"

"She was rightfully angry. After we had had some time to talk, she seemed on board and we started looking for donors. Things got a little tense when we used someone that I work with and Stef finally admitted to me that she didn't want me to get pregnant."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I was upset, but I also finally understood what she was talking about with everything going on with all of our kids. The only issue then was the fact that I was already pregnant. I thought that I had started my period and was a little harsh with Stef, telling her that she was lucky and had gotten her wish. The big issue arose when I heard from urgent care and found out that I really was pregnant and was just spotting."

"I can see how that might have complicated things. How did she respond?"

"I had spent a great deal of time trying to figure out a way to tell her. I was sure that she would be unhappy and I was wondering if I might have to raise the baby on my own. I told her the day of Jude's adoption after I had found out. I spoke to her just before we were supposed to go in. It was the hardest thing I thought I had ever had to do, but leave it up to Stef to react completely differently than I expected. When I managed to get the words out, the look on her face scared me since it didn't look like one of joy, but then she broke down in tears and told me that she didn't know what she expected to feel when she heard those words, but all that she was feeling was love. It was incredible. I know how fiercely she loves and it was so nice to know that even if she wasn't initially on board with everything that she was happy and ready to be there for me no matter what."

A smile came to my face at the fond memory. My tough cop broke down and had offered me complete and unconditional love that day. I remember being so afraid of what she would have to say, but then I felt so much relief and joy when she was so accepting of it. I don't know how I managed to get so lucky. I was brought out of my thoughts by Liz's voice.

"I am really glad that Stef was able to be there for you. I think that if you try to open up to her a bit more, she will be there for you now. Now, I know that this wasn't really what you were expecting, but I think that we managed to get off to a good start today. I just wanted you to get a little more comfortable with talking to me this time, and if you still want to continue with therapy than I think we should go ahead and schedule another session next week. For right now, I want you to just spend some time reconnecting with Stef. It doesn't have to be anything major, but just take out some time each day to talk to each other and really talk. Talk about how your day went or plan something to do together. Try to make it so that the conversation is just about you and Stef rather than all of the worries that come with kids and family life, and what's for dinner. I think that it will just make it a little easier for you to open up to me and I think that it will give you a way to let Stef in to support you. I think that from the way that you are talking to me that it will get easier to discuss some of the things that are going on and we can get you to feeling a little better. What do you say, would you like to continue with me?"

I was surprised that we were already done. I had expected this appointment to be much worse since I figured that this woman would immediately ask me about all of the things that were bothering me. I noticed that she had asked me about how I had been feeling at different times, but she was not pushy about it and she allowed me to talk freely. I think that she is right that if Stef and I can start talking, and I mean really talking that it will help me to let her and Stef in. I hate to admit it since we didn't really even talk about anything going on other than just the mention that I had lost Frankie, but I really did feel a little better being able to just talk about things that had happened in the past. I think that maybe I am even still feeling some of those things and if seems like she brought up some of the more positive feelings that I know are still a part of me. This may very well work.

"Thank you Liz. I think that I would like to continue. I will make an appointment for next week then."

"That's great Lena. I look forward to seeing you then, and I promise that not all therapists are as bad as they may seem," she said with a smile, eliciting a slight laugh from me as I made my way out into the reception area. I made an appointment for next week and when I looked up I saw that true to her word, my beautiful wife was standing there waiting for me.

I walked over to her and was immediately pulled into a hug. I felt really safe and loved. Once we had made it out the door, she kissed me.

"How did it go my Love?" Stef asked.

"I think it went well. I was kind of surprised that the entire hour was actually up. It really didn't seem like I was in there for that long, but thank you for doing this for me. I think it just might help."

"Anything for you my Love. All I want is for you to get to feeling better. What do you say about some lunch?"

"That sounds great."

With that we were on our way. I know that it is probably going to get much harder than it was today, but I just want to go back to feeling the way that I did before. If Liz can help me to feel the joy that I have felt at different times in my past, even for a short amount of time, it would be worth it. If I could get back to feeling the way that I did before, every time that Stef told me that she loved me, any amount of hard work would be so worth it. I walked out of that office with a new found confidence and I finally saw that it might be possible for me to be happy again. For that I was eternally grateful.

* * *

AN: Hello everyone. This was an interesting chapter for me to write as I was trying to do it from a psychological perspective. Sorry if it seemed to run on. I would really like to know what you think about it. Please review and let me know what you think. Also please let me know what you would like to see in the rest of this story and I will try to make it work. Thanks for reading.

Endevour


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef's POV**

After meeting Liz, I realized that this may be a very good thing for Lena. She seems sympathetic to Lena's situation and I know that it will be difficult for Lena, but it is for her own good. All I really want is to get my wife back and move past everything that has happened recently. I know that Lena is hurting and I have tried very hard to move on, but I don't know that I am completely over it. What is important at this moment is for me to be here for my wife and although she doesn't want me to come into the session with her, I will be sitting here waiting for her until she is done and I will be here if she just needs someone to be there for her. I sit in the waiting room and find an interesting magazine to help occupy my mind and to keep me from worrying about Lena.

* * *

It seems as if hours have passed when I hear the door open. I then realize that I have been reading the exact same article in the magazine for well over 20 minutes. I have been worried about how the session was going. Ever since Lena told me about not wanting to come and see the therapist, I have been worrying. I know that it is something that she really needs, but I also cannot force her to go and even if I could, I know that it wouldn't be productive if she doesn't want to be here. I told her just to try it and then we could see if she thought that it might be beneficial, but I also worry that she will not want to come back. I know how awkward it can be to have to sit down and talk to a shrink just form having to see one every once in a while because of work requirements.

When I see her come out of the room and then go to the reception desk and make another appointment, I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. I walk over and wait for her and then take her in my arms. I know that what she probably went through was difficult and I want to show her that I am here to support her. I take her hand and we make our way out the door. Once outside, I leaned in to kiss her. It was different than it has been. She seems different than she has been lately. She seems happier. It is something that I didn't realize how much I missed. Maybe she just needed someone that she could talk to who would be able to help her find her way back to her old self. I now feel as if I have done something right in finding this therapist who in only one short session seems to have brought a small piece of my wife back to me.

We get into the car and I ask her about lunch. She readily agrees and I start driving to that small bistro where we had our first "real" date so many years ago. It is a place that we try to go to at least a few times a year and I just want to get her somewhere familiar where I can ask her about her session. As we are driving along, I feel her hand placed on my leg. A small smile comes to my face. I am so happy to see that Lena is feeling at least a little better.

Soon we arrive at our destination. I make my way around the car and open the door for Lena. Once she is out, she reaches over and takes my hand before leading me into the bistro. Once we are seated and have ordered our drinks, I decide to start up the conversation.

"So babe, how was the session?"

"It was different than I expected, but I have to admit that there is something about Liz that makes her very easy to talk to. I think that this is something that might help. Thank you for getting me to do this."

"Baby, you don't have to thank me. Please don't feel like you have to answer this, but what sort of things did you talk about?"

"She asked me about us and our family. She also asked about Frankie, but she didn't want to know much about that yet. She pretty much just had me talk about our family and our decision to have a baby. She asked a few times how things made me feel, but she wasn't pushy about it or anything. She also suggested that we take time out of each day to talk, and talk about us, not everything else that is going on with the kids or anything else."

"I think that is a great idea. I am glad that you seem very happy with her."

"I do, she just seems like she might really be able to help me get back to how things used to be. I didn't think that I would be able to go through with the therapy idea, but I just want everything to go back to the way that it used to be and if this can help to get me there, then I want to do it."

* * *

The rest of lunch was filled with general talk about work and the kids. Lena seemed to be more lively than she had in a long time, but it also caused me to realize something else: I wasn't happy. I have been trying to pretend to be happy, but I'm just not lately. I am not sure how much that has to do with other events in my life, but I think that the kiss was just the last straw for me. I know that I need to be present for Lena, but the more I think about it, I have to admit that I am still angry. I thought that I would be able to just get over it and move on, but I don't think it is that easy no matter how much I want it to be. Things aren't the same between us. I know that that started even before the kiss, but I have felt like Lena has been pulling away from me for quite a while. Who knows, maybe it has been me that has been pulling away.

After we left the restaurant, we made our way back home. Once inside, Lena headed for the kitchen for a cup of tea. I was right behind her when she turned and gave me a very strong hug. I was a bit surprised, but I gladly accepted it. After a few minutes, she was the first to speak.

"Don't you have to go get ready for work?"

"Actually, Captain Roberts gave me the rest of the day off. I was hoping that we could spend the rest of the day relaxing and maybe watch a movie together."

"That sounds really great Stef. What do you want to watch?"

"Anything is fine with me Love. Why don't you go and find something and I will make us some popcorn."

"Okay, thanks. I will meet you in the living room in a few minutes."

* * *

A few minutes later, I walked into the living room with a bowl of popcorn in hand. Lena was sitting on the sofa with Secondhand Lions on the tv waiting to play. I had to smile a bit as she knows how much I love this movie. It is a strange thing to have been in a relationship for so long that we know everything about each other, even the little things that most people never find out about another person. We have had such a great relationship and of course there have been the ups and downs, just like every other relationship out there, but with Lena, I feel something completely different,like we are supposed to be together. Then a thought hits me, maybe that is only a feeling that I have. Maybe I am not Lena's one true love. She did allow another woman to kiss her. The smile quickly dissipates from my face, but unfortunately she notices.

"Whats the matter baby?"

"Ah, nothing," I reply while sitting down on the sofa. I know that it is ridiculous to get worked up about this again, but when I think about us, I start to wonder if things will really ever be the same. I love Lena with all of my heart, but there is still that part of me that tells me that she needs to earn that trust back. I know that it was never her intention, but I need her to know that what she did hurt me, and I mean really hurt me. For now, I know that it is not a conversation that we are going to have. We have both had a difficult day and I think that what we need to do right now is just spend some time in each others company.

About half way through the movie, I notice that she has moved closer to me and eventually made her way into my arms. It is a familiar feeling, and for just a little while things really do feel like they are back to normal. At some point in the movie, we have both fallen asleep as we are jolted awake by the sound of the kids coming in the door. I sit up with Lena still in my arms.

"Hi babies, how was school today?"

As usual, I was greeted with a chorus of "Okay's" and watched as Brandon, Mariana and Jesus made their way up the stairs without another word. Lena seemed quite surprised as Jude made his way over to us and gave her a huge hug.

"Hi Mom, Mama. How was your day?"

I noticed tears forming in Lena's eyes and she finally managed to respond. "It was alright baby, thank you for asking."

"Good. I better go start my homework," and with that, he was headed up the stairs to join his siblings.

As surprised as Lena was when Jude came to her, she was even more surprised when Callie made her way over to give her a hug. I had not originally expected Callie to react to this the way that she did since she has been bounced around from home to home, but she is finally able to trust us and I saw the compassion that was present in her eyes as she held Lena in her arms longer than she had in a very long time. The ability of this girl to have such compassion used to shock me, but I must say that after hearing what she had said to Brandon earlier, this act of kindness really didn't surprise me.

I know that Lena was disappointed that the rest of the kids were still not speaking to her, but I also think that she has realized that they are extremely angry and is trying very hard not to take it personally. I also know that she understands that this is something that they are going to have to deal with on their own if they truly want to get over it.

I take her hand in mine and lead her to the kitchen. I then take her in my arms and hold her for a minute before speaking.

"Baby, they will get over it and everything will go back to being normal. This is something that none of them have had to deal with before and I think that they are going to need some time, but I also know that they will all come around soon. They love you and you are their Mama which means that there is no way that they will be able to stay mad at you for too long. I will also go talk to them."

"No, don't talk to them. I know that they are going to have to get over this on their own. I am trying not to take it personally, but I can't lie, it hurts. I know that they will eventually forgive me, but I also realize that I deserve it. It was me that jeopardized this family in the first place and I am going to have to take responsibility for my actions."

That was something that I didn't expect to hear and I must say that it broke my heart a little. I love Lena and I hate it when she is hurting, but on the other hand, she is right, she is going to have to take some responsibility for what has happened.

"Lets just get started on dinner for now, " I say and head to the refrigerator to get some vegetables.

"Okay," is all she says as I wash the vegetables for dinner.

While I stand here chopping the veggies for dinner, I realize that I am not happy. My wife did something that I told myself I could forgive her for and I know that it is not all her fault, but I also know that she should have told me if it really was nothing. I see that after therapy she is starting to feel a bit better and I realize that she has been through a lot in the last few months, but I don't think that she realized that so have I. I can't lie to myself anymore. I am still angry, and I am still hurting. Things have been difficult for all of us, and I know that I have to stay strong for my family, but recent events have made me feel like I am being eaten from the inside out. I maintain the tough exterior and I remain present for my wife, but I am hurting too. I want to be happy again, no, I need to be happy again. These feelings make me feel as if I am being suffocated and I don't know how to get rid of them. I will still be present for Lena, but I also know that I need to start being there for myself too and I need to take some time to work on me as well if there is any hope that we will ever get back to normal. I just really hope that normal isn't too far gone to be retrieved.


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef POV:**

I wake up the next morning to find Lena still fast asleep It is a bit earlier than I tend to get up, but with all of the thoughts going through my head, I wasn't sleeping well anyway. I decide to go and grab a shower before the rest of the house is up and there is no hot water. It is amazing how we have all managed in the morning with five teenagers. I head to the shower and finish dressing for work 20 minutes later. When I come out of the bathroom, Lena is still asleep so I decide to head down to the kitchen to start breakfast.

I am making pancakes when I hear faint footsteps behind me. I turn around expecting it to be Lena only to find Jude.

"Hey baby, you're up early. Is everything okay?"

"Morning Mom. Yeah everything is fine, I was just not sleeping very well so I decided to get a shower before Mariana got in there."

I had to laugh at that. That seemed to be one of the main reasons that anyone ever got up early in this house. Mariana would live in the bathroom if we would let her. I never quite understood teenage girls and hogging the bathroom. I guess we lucked out, only one of our girls does that.

"Do you want some pancakes," I asked Jude as I started pulling some out of the pan with some bacon.

"Yes please. I love getting to have the first few pancakes, but that rarely ever happens."

"I know the feeling. I used to love the first ones, but usually by the time we get you kids fed, I only have time to grab something quick. I think one of these days, you and I are just going to have to make sure that we take the first ones. What do you think?"

"I think that is a great idea, Mom. Thanks, they are really good."

"Of course, baby."

* * *

Jude finished his breakfast before anyone else managed to make it down. Breakfast with the rest of the family was very normal, quick. All of the kids made their way out the door just as Lena rushed down the stairs and gave me a quick hug. I knew that I needed to get to work so I quickly excused myself and made my way out to my car.

No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't get rid of that feeling of being unhappy. Things felt so different between us now. I am so happy that Lena is feeling better and is finally acting more like herself, but I am now seeing that I have been pretending. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to now so that Lena won't worry. I know that this is not what we agreed on and that I told her that we had to be honest with each other, but I am afraid that if I tell her how I have been feeling, that she will be worried. I know that this is something that isn't going to get fixed overnight, but I also think that I really need to look into getting some help for myself.

* * *

As soon as I got a chance to take a break at work, I decided to make a phone call.

"Dr. Elizabeth Dubenko's office, how may I help you?"

"Ah yes, this is Stef Adams Foster and I was hoping that I would be able to speak to Dr. Dubenko for a minute."

"One moment please, I believe she just finished with a patient so I will see if she is available if you could please hold for a moment."

"Yes, thank you."

I am sitting here on the phone and I realize that I really don't have any idea as to what I should ask this woman. Maybe she would be willing to see me, but I am not sure if it is a conflict of interest or not. I would probably not have an issue finding another therapist, but there was something about this woman that just made me comfortable.

I am suddenly brought out of my thoughts by the sound of a woman's voice.

"Hello Stef, what can I do for you? Is everything alright with Lena?"

"Hello Dr. Dubenko. Yes Lena seems to be doing better. I really appreciate what you have done for her."

"Oh Stef, call me Liz, please. I am glad she is doing better. Is there something else though?"

"Okay, Liz. Um, actually, I was wondering if you might be able to see me as a patient as well, but I understand if you can't since you are seeing Lena."

"Well, that is something that we can certainly talk about. I am not sure if Lena is ready to have someone in session with her yet, but I would be more than happy to bring it up to her."

"Actually, I was thinking more like on an individual basis. I don't really want Lena to know right now, but I too am finding myself struggling. I think that you are right that she needs to work on her own right now, but I am starting to feel my marriage fall apart and I think that I have some things that I need to work on as well."

"I am certainly open to seeing you on an individual basis. Can you come by around three and we can get started?"

"I am on shift, but I can come by for a half an hour during my lunch break. Would that work?"

"Absolutely, I will see you at three."

As I hung up the phone, I found myself sigh with relief. It seemed as if the hard part of asking for help was over. Now I just had to get over there at three and maybe I would be able to start being happy again and maybe even start to forgive my wife.

* * *

It was five to three when I made my way into Liz's office. I was surprised to find that there was not anyone at the reception desk or in the waiting room. As soon as I closed the door, Liz came out of her office and greeted me.

"Hello Stef. How are you?"

"I have been better, but I am alright. How about you?"

"I am fine, thank you. Why don't you come into my office and we can get started."

With that I made my way into her office and took a seat on what appeared to be a very comfortable couch. She then took a seat across from me and we got started.

"So Stef, I don't do this very often, but I think that this is a very beneficial step in getting on in your relationship. I don't know very much about what is going on, but from our phone call earlier, I am under the assumption that you don't want Lena to know that you are seeing me. Is that correct?"

"Yes. I don't think that I am ready to admit to Lena some of the things that I have been feeling and I think that if I do, it may hinder her progress. I have tried very hard to be there for her, and I know that she has had a very difficult time, but I have convinced her that she needs to worry about taking care of herself and I think that if I start bringing up some of these things, that she may start to worry more about me, if that makes sense."

"Well, I will be honest with you Stef. Not telling Lena may make it more difficult to salvage your relationship, but with that being said, I also understand your need to work on things for yourself. Sometimes we need to talk about things going on in our own minds so that we can understand them before sharing those thoughts and feelings with others. I think that Lena would also understand that. For now, I think that maybe you are correct in working through some things on your own and I want you to be assured that I will never discuss anything said here with Lena or tell her that you are seeing me. That is something that you will have to decide to do when you feel that the time is right. For now, why don't you start by telling me what has been bothering you."

I took a deep breath. I know that there have been a number of things that have bothered me, but I don't exactly know how to put that into words.

"Well, I think that after seeing how much happier Lena was after seeing you, I realized that I am not happy. I know it is a horrible thing to say. I have amazing children and the love of my life, but I think that we have been so distant lately, that I have just been going through the motions. I love my wife and my children, but I am not feeling like myself and I know that part of that is because I am angry and hurt, but I don't know what the other part is."

"So tell me about your relationship with Lena. Tell me about the emotions that have been going through you throughout your relationship."

"When I first met Lena, I was awestruck. I didn't know why, but I felt this amazing connection to her. I was married at the time with a five year old son. I know that I had had feelings for a woman before, but growing up in an extremely Christian household with my father, I had learned to repress those feelings. With Lena, it was different. She was different and I was completely unable to suppress those feelings around her. When I finally left my husband and Lena and I began a relationship, I was so happy. It felt like everything was finally falling into place in my life. I loved the way that she was patient and willing to help me through things and most of all, she made me feel loved. It was an incredible feeling. I realized that I had never truly felt that way until I met her. She treated Brandon as if he was her own and then we adopted the twins. I had never felt like my life was so complete. When She brought Callie into our lives, I was a little unsure, but then I got to see how much more love had been brought into our family when Callie and Jude came into our lives. Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. It was an incredible feeling and it felt like we were both just zipped up into a single skin. With Lena, I have always felt so loved. Even when we were fighting, we were always there for each other and always had that mutual love. Lately, after we lost the baby, things have felt different. That love is still there, but it feels so distant. It feels like she has been pulling away from me and from our family. I know that it isn't something that is easy to deal with, but it feels like she is afraid to take comfort in me. She had said that she never feels like I listen to her. I suppose that it may be true at times, but then she found someone else to talk to. I have felt hurt when she says that she cant talk to me. I know that I have been a little busier, but I want to be there for her. I guess that it just hurts me that she feels like she can take comfort in someone else. Something else happened too that has left me hurt and angry."

"Stef, it sounds like you have a great deal of love for your wife. I know that things like marriage can be difficult, but I also know that life events can be less than helpful when it comes to that as well. Things tend to get in our way and sometimes things happen that cause us to pull away from each other. Since we only had a half hour this time, I am not going to have you go into the things that have happened that have made you angry, but what I want you to do is spend some time each day thinking about a moment in your past when you felt that love and happiness that you desire. I also think that we should do a weekly session if that works for you."

"Yeah, that would be great. Thank you Liz, I really appreciate it."

"Well, since we weren't able to do a full session today, how about you come back on Friday around one and we can continue our session."

"That would be great. I am working, but I can get away for an hour, thanks again."

"Anytime Stef. It might take a little bit of time, but we will get you back to feeling like yourself. See you Friday."

"See you Friday."

* * *

As I walk out of her office, I realize that what she has said really does make sense. In order to get back to being happy, I am going to have to remember what that felt like. I feel bad about not telling Lena, but right now, I think I just need to take care of myself. I will still be there for her, but she doesn't need to know how much I am struggling. I love her more than life itself and I don't want to do anything that might make her upset. Once I figure out what is going on inside of me, I will be better able to talk to her about it.

I head back to the station and finish my shift. I am finally home and I am still feeling a little low. I know that I am still angry and I think that to some degree, Lena senses that too. I am hoping that she will just give me a little bit of space so that I can work through some things on my own. When I walk into the house, I find her working on dinner in the kitchen. I walk in to get a glass of water and am greeted by a gentle hug and kiss. I reciprocate, but I am also feeling that distance between us seeping in. I know that I am not comfortable at this time and I guess that Lena feels it as well. She turns back to what she was doing. I start to wander upstairs when I hear her voice.

"I tried to call you a few times today."

"When," I ask.

"It was around lunch time and then again around three. Did you have a busy day?"

"I guess you could say that. I worked all through lunch and then was out on patrol in the afternoon. Sorry, I must have left my phone in my desk. What did you want to talk about?"

"Oh, it was nothing, I just wanted to see how your day was going."

"It was fine. How was yours?"

"It was okay."

"Well, I'm going to go get changed and check on the kids," I said as I made my way upstairs.

I felt horrible that I had just lied to my wife, but I really hadn't gotten her calls and I did work through my normal lunchtime. I forgot that I turned my phone off when I was at Liz's office, and I know that I shouldn't keep these things from my wife, but I will tell her what I have been doing later when the time is more appropriate. For now, all I want to do is see my children and I hope that with time, I will finally feel better to the point of Lena and I being able to have an honest conversation and get back to the way that it used to be. I know that I am still too angry for that to be the case, so I am just going to do my best to keep going through the motions until we are finally in a better place. I really am glad that Liz has given me a way to start thinking about the way that I want things to be and I am sure that eventually, we will find a way to make it a reality, but right now I am just going to have to live my life based on the cards that I have been dealt and that is exactly what I am going to do.


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Lena's POV:**

I wake up to find that Stef is not in bed and as I roll over to check the time, I realize that she must have already left for work. It was also late enough that the kids were already at school. I didn't have to go in until noon today since I have a morning appointment with Liz, so for once, it seems as if I actually slept in. It is just now 9:00 and I decide to go an start getting ready for the day. My appointment with Liz is not until 11:00 so I decide to go an take a nice long shower.

When I finally will myself to get out of the wonderful stream of hot water that is hitting my body, I realize that a half an hour has already passed. I can't believe how great it felt to take a long shower without having to worry about who needs to be fed, or who needs what and most importantly, if there is any hot water left. After my shower, I head downstairs so that I can get a bite to eat before I leave.

I had just finished with my breakfast and decided to give Stef a call and see how her day is going and what she wants to do for dinner. I call her cell, but all I am getting is voicemail. I hate the fact that I am just getting her voicemail, but I suppose her battery may have just died. It has been so long that we have been together, but I still worry every time she walks out that door to go to work. I know that bad things can happen anywhere at anytime, but I just hate the higher risk of those bad things happening that come with her job. I guess I was right though on our wedding day, I married all of her, including the cop.

* * *

I pull up to Liz's office and I start to feel a little bit nervous. I hate the fact that I haven't talked to Stef yet, but I am even more nervous about what I know is about to come up in the session. I walk to the door and let myself into her waiting room. Her receptionist checks me in and before I even get a chance to find a seat, Liz is standing by the door.

"Hello Lena. How is everything going?"

"It is okay. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you for asking. Why don't you go ahead and find a seat and we will get started."

I wander back over to the couch and finally take a seat.

"Why don't you tell me how you have been feeling after our chat last week?"

"Well, I have been feeling a little better, but I still find that I feel like I am walking around in a cloud most of the time. Things just don't always seem right. Plus, I am not sure if it is me or what, but Stef seems to be acting very distant lately. We have been trying to talk like you suggested, but it just doesn't always work out."

"Did something happen between you too?"

"No, I just don't know what is going on. She just seems to be pulling away."

I hate having to tell this to a therapist and by the time that the words are already out of my mouth I realize that I left out that important little detail about what happened with Monte, but I don't think that that is something that I need to talk about here. After all, Stef wanted me to come and get help with what I was feeling about losing Frankie, not about what happened between us. All of a sudden, I am brought out of my thoughts by the sound of Liz's voice.

"Okay, well sometimes couples just need some time. I know that I don't have to tell you this, but I am sure that Stef is struggling with the loss of your baby as well. Why don't we talk about that a little bit. Just take your time and tell me what happened.'"

I drew in a long shaky breath. I knew this was why I was here, but I really didn't want to have to talk about it. After a moment, I finally found my voice.

"Uh, I was starting to feel really sick. I was getting really dizzy and started having headaches. When I went to my OB-GYN appointment, they gave me some medication and just told me to monitor my blood pressure and that if it continued, that they would give me some more medication. Stef was really great, she wouldn't even let me out of bed. Apparently in her mind, bed rest means I don't leave the bed at all, but I eventually convinced her to let me get up to use the bathroom," I said with a chuckle at the fond memory of Stef being over protective. Liz also let out a laugh. After a deep breath, I found it in me to continue.

"Anyway, I was starting to feel much better. Stef went to work and I was up and about for short periods of time at least. Fairly quickly the dizziness and headache returned, especially when I had to go deal with the twins who were fighting. I stood up from sitting on one of their beds, and nearly passed out. I contacted the OB-GYN, but she was gone for the day so her office just told me to continue laying down and monitoring my blood pressure. I managed to last for about another hour, but the headache was too bad and I nearly passed out on the floor when I tried to make it to the bathroom. Brandon took me to the hospital and luckily Stef was there to meet us. After a mountain of tests and lots of prodding, my doctor came in to talk to us."

Its at this time that I feel the tears stinging my eyes. It is so hard to have to relive that moment. I hate that there wasn't something more that I could have done. I think that I also hate a part of myself for not being able to make it through the pregnancy.

"Take your time Lena," Liz said as she handed me a tissue.

"Thank you," I said as I took the kleenex and blew my nose, tears continuing to run down my face.

"She... she uh, said that it was pre-eclampsia and that if I continued to go through with the pregnancy, I was risking having a stroke and possibly death. All I wanted was to have that baby. Stef had tears in her eyes and I knew that she didn't want to risk it, but I wanted to. Even though I hadn't met my daughter, I was still so in love with her. I told Stef that I had faith, but she said that she didn't. We talked for a bit and I saw how much she was hurting. We were still disagreeing over what to do. I didn't know how she could just give up on our daughter. I was mad that she wasn't trying to do everything possible to save her. I was willing to take that risk, but she wasn't willing to let me do that. When she left to talk to the kids, I mom showed up. She told me that I had to be there for all of the other kids because they needed me, and that being a parent meant putting their needs before my wants. I understood what she was saying. I was so afraid that since I wasn't biologically related to anyone in the house that one day they might just say that I wasn't their mother. My mom helped me to realize that every parent was afraid of their children would not love them in the same way that we do, but that that was alright. I know that I had to do what was best for all of my children, but I... I still feel like I let her down. I don't know how I could have just let my baby girl down like that."

At that time I erupted into sobs. It was all too real. It was just like I was back in that moment. How could I have to chose between myself and my baby. I don't know how I managed to do it. Logically I know that things had to happen this way, but feel like such a failure. I feel like a failure as a mother and especially as a woman.

The next thing that I know, Liz is holding my hand across the coffee table and handing me another tissue. It is a little comforting, but I still just hurt.

"Lena, tell me what you are thinking," Liz says in a gentle voice.

"I...I just feel like a failure. A failure as a mother and a failure as a woman. I was the one who was supposed to care for my baby and make sure that she made it into the world, I was supposed to be strong for her and make sure that everything turned out right," I sobbed loudly.

After a few minutes, I had managed to calm myself some. I know that it is just all of the raw emotion trying to claw its way out, but I really am hating living with all of this pain. Liz seems to understand and is very comforting. I am really glad that I am going through this with someone who seems to understand as well as anyone can, I guess that is why she specializes in grief counseling.

"Lena, I know that it hurts, but you have to learn to let go of that pain and that guilt. If you don't, it will eat you up from the inside out. You need to understand that none of this was your fault and that there was nothing that you or anyone else could have done differently that would have prevented this. I know that it is easy to blame yourself and other factors, but at the end of the day, life works in mysterious ways. It throws us through loops, it brings us challenges, it beings us joy and love, and it rips our hearts out. That is just how life works. We all have to realize that we are not superman and that we are not able to prevent the bad things that happen in life. We can try and sometimes we are successful, but often times we have no control and we are forced to just sit back and ride the wave that is life. How are you feeling now?"

"I know that it is something that I can't control, but I still feel that pain. I hope that it eventually fades."

"I know that it isn't easy Lena, but we will get you through this, okay. I am here for you and Stef is here for you and everyone who loves you is here for you. I think that this is a good place to stop today, but before we end, I have something that I want to tell you."

"Okay," I managed to respond. At least for now, the tears have subsided and I am able to actually focus on what Liz is saying.

"Lena, I want you to know that I am here for you and I know what it is like to lose someone that you love so deeply. I can never say that I know what you are going through totally because I have never lost a baby that I was carrying, but I want you to know a little bit about my story that may just help a little bit. Five years ago, I lost my wife and my son. Now I know that is shocking, but please just listen to what I am saying. They were hit by a drunk driver on their way to the grocery store. I was working in the hospital that day and my pager kept going off, but I was with a patient so I couldn't just respond to it. As soon as I could look at it, I saw that it was a 911 page from the ER. I ran down there as quickly as I could expecting it to be a patient that needed to be admitted, I never expected to be stopped at the bottom of the stairs and told that it was my wife and my child. By the time that I made it down, my wife was unconscious and after checking on her quickly, I went to be with my son. From the reports that the doctor gave, I knew that he wasn't going to make it, but he was still awake and knew I was there when I got to him. He remained conscious long enough for me to tell him that I loved him and that I was going to be right there. He died very shortly after that. I felt myself shutting down. How could my child just have died right her holding my hand, I asked myself. I think the thing that drove the final nail into my coffin that day was the fact that my wife also crashed within ten minutes from a bad head injury. I wanted to be there for my wife, but I also had to be there for my child and at the end of the day, I couldn't leave him. Luckily my wife didn't ever regain consciousness, so she didn't know that I wasn't there, but that is one of those moments that continues to haunt me every day. If I had just answered the page earlier, I could have been there and at least said goodbye to my wife and made sure that she knew that I loved her, but I also know that I was there and my son didn't have to die feeling all alone in a room full of strangers. Lena, guilt is something that I am very familiar with and I wouldn't ever wish that feeling on my worst enemy. It eats you alive and it manages to have this control over you that never thought something would have. We all think that we could have done something different. I could have not gone into work that day, then I might have died alongside my wife and child. I could have answered the page faster and talked to my wife. I could have done a lot of things, but they wouldn't have changed the outcome. I am not that important that I have the power to change the events of life, just as you are not powerful enough to change what happened with your baby. Do I have a mountain of regrets and anger about what happened, of course I do, I am human. But in the end, I was there and I had to live through that event. You were there and and to live through your life events. I know that it is hard and that all of these things are inside of you. I want to tell you that everything will be fine and it will all get better, but I am going to tell you the truth; it will always hurt, and you will always feel that loss, but one day, you will realize that it won't hurt as much. That, I promise you and I will be there with you and Stef every step of the way until you reach that point. Okay?"

I couldn't believe what Liz just said to me. I cannot believe that she is able to function after having lost two people that she loved so deeply. I know how I felt when I lost Frankie and how I felt when I almost lost Stef, but I cannot ever imagine going through something like that. It is horrible. One thing I can see now though is that if she can overcome that, then I can overcome this.

"Okay. Thank you for sharing your story with me Liz, and for being honest. I know that everything is not just going to be the same, but the fact that you can go through that and still be standing here gives me hope. You are truly an amazing woman."

"Well, thank you Lena, but you are too. You will get through this. Take care and I will see you next week."

I walk out of that office with a lot of things going through my head. I could see how much that tore into her to tell me that story and relive it, but I am really glad that she did. She does know what I am going through and I think that this is going to work. I walk out of that office knowing that all I want to do is go home and hug every one of my babies and Stef, but I also have a lot to think about and I think that things might just be okay now. I will get through this and I will do everything in my power to make sure that Stef does too and that I am there for her too, because I don't admit it, but she lost a child to and I am sure that she has some guilt and a few regrets of her own. For now, I will simply make sure that she and everyone else knows just how much I love her.


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters. **

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

It had been a very long day and after having chased down a suspect and filled out the mountain of paperwork on my desk, all I really want to do is to go home and go to bed. I am starting to get a really bad headache from where the suspect hit me in the side of the head and a hot shower and an ice pack is just what the doctor ordered. I make my way home knowing that at least Lena will have made dinner for the kids and that is one less thing that I have to worry about.

As I walk in the door, I am greeted by a wonderful aroma, but that quickly leads to a bout of nausea. I think that headache is starting to get the best of me. I quickly say hi to my wife and children while I grab a glass of water.

"Hey babe," Lena says as she hugs me. I am finding it to be a bit uncomfortable, but for the sake of our children standing there, I hug her back.

"Dinner will be in about ten minutes, so you have time to change if you want Stef."

"Thanks, but I am not feeling very well. I think I just want to go take a shower and lay down if that's alright."

"Sure. I will be up there in a little while."

I hate the fact that Lena is acting like nothing has changed. She seems a little different now, but I am wondering how much of that has to do with seeing Liz. I hate that she is in pain, but I want her to realize that I am too. She is not the only person who lost a child and her kissing Monte hurt me even more than that. I need her to realize that I need some time to get over things. When the kids are there, we act as if nothing has changed and that we are the same united front that we always have been, but we both know that that is far from true these days. I still feel like I can't trust her and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this charade.

I take a shower quickly and lay down. Luckily I grabbed an ice pack earlier so I don't have to go back downstairs. I am feeling even worse now and the pounding alongside of the nausea is really not helping me think. Now all I want is for my brain to shut off. I finally manage to doze off, but that was not long lasting as it seemed to be only a few minutes later when I heard the bedroom door open and I hear Lena's voice as she makes her way over to the bed.

"Hey baby, are you okay?"

I can hear the concern in her voice, but I just don't want to need her right now. I am still angry, but for the sake of preserving some sort of relationship, I find myself answering.

"I've been better."

"What happened Stef? Is it just a bug or did something happen at work?"

"It's nothing Lena. A guy just hit me when were were chasing him down. I just have a bit of a headache."

"Stef, that is not nothing. Why didn't you call me at least to come and get you?"

I can hear the anger mixed with the fear in her voice and for a minute, I find myself feeling a little guilty for not calling her.

"It wasn't that big of a deal Lena. I am okay. Plus, I dropped my phone in a puddle so it wasn't working."

"Really Stef, and you couldn't have called from one of the phones at work? I hate to break it to you, but I am your wife. I have a right to know if and when something happens to you," Lena says as the anger begins to fill her voice.

"Yes, just like I had a right to know that you were having such a hard time after the baby, and that you nearly cheated on me."

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I instantly regret them. I see the hurt on her face and I realize that I should not be throwing that in her face after I have told her that I have forgiven her. I know that I have not completely forgiven her and I think that she knows that too, but that was really unfair of me to do. She starts to turn away and walk out of the room, but luckily I am quick enough that I manage to grab her hand and pull her back over towards the bed.

"Lena, I am sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Please sit down for a minute so that we can talk," I say hoping that she will agree.

Once she is sitting down, I continue. "I am really sorry Love. I don't want to still be angry, but I am, and you are right, you do have a right to know if something happens to me. I shouldn't have kept this from you. Please forgive me. I don't want to fight tonight, I don't feel well and all I really want to do is lay here with you beside me."

I see the tears running down her face and I feel absolutely awful. I reach up and brush them away before pulling her into my arms. This is the first time that it has actually felt right to embrace her after I found out. I know that what happened was not planned, and I am going to need to work on getting over it if I want to make this relationship work.

"Stef, I love you so, so much. I hope that you realize that and that you may be able to actually forgive me sometime."

"Lena, I love you too. I will be able to forgive you. I just need a little time and I need you to also be able to forgive me. You are my life and I feel complete with you beside me and empty when you are not. Will you please lay here with me for a little while?"

"Of course baby."

"Thank you. You always manage to make me feel better."

As I lay here with my wife in my arms, I find myself thinking about everything that has happened since I met her. I thought that I had been in love before, but I knew that wasn't true as soon as I met her. Love is half fun and passionate and half pure terror that something could happen to that love. I had never experienced the fear and the terror that comes with true love until I met Lena and now that I know exactly what true love is, I know that I have to fight for it no matter what. Right now, it just feels right to be lying here with my wife, my best friend, and my partner in life. The rest of the feelings and things that have happened can wait until morning. Right now, I am feeling the love that we still have for each other that will remain no matter what.


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

It's about 2:30 in the morning. I just woke up with a headache that is far worse than when I went to bed. Lena is still in my arms, so when I get the sudden urge to vomit, I do my best not to wake her as I bale out of the bed. I quickly make my way into the bathroom and fall to the floor. I am very dizzy and nauseous and the last thing I remember is falling to the floor as soon as I made it through the bathroom door.

* * *

**Lena's POV: **

I heard a bang and all of a sudden I am upright in the bed. I look next to me and find that Stef is no longer with me in the bed. I am not sure what that bang was that awoke me with such a jolt, but maybe Stef went to check it out. Then my half asleep brain finally starts to function and I realize that Stef was already out of the bed when I heard that noise. I start looking around the room to see if Stef is in there somewhere, but I am not seeing her. Maybe she went downstairs to get some water or something. I grab my robe and start to head to the door. As soon as I reach the door, I am met by Brandon who looked as if he was just about to knock. I am a little startled by finding him right outside the door and nearly walking into him, but I recover quickly.

"Brandon, what are you doing up? Did you need something?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. Didn't you hear that loud bang?"

"Yeah, I am not sure what it was."

"It sounded like it came from in here. Is Mom alright?"

It was those last few words that suddenly brought Stef to the front of my mind. I immediately ran towards the bathroon door. The light was not on, so I didn't think to look in there, but if it was enough to wake Brandon, it must have been loud. I quickly flip on the light and see my worst nightmare come to life. There Stef was laying on the floor and looking rather lifeless. She was lying face down on the floor and it looked as if she had vomited. All I remember is falling to the floor next to her, a noise that I didn't even recognize ripping it way out of my throat as I attempted to call her name. I grabbed her hand and checked for a pulse. Brandon was right there as fast as his feet could carry him.

"Brandon, call 911."

As he quickly dialed the number, I could hear him talking, but I just couldn't make out any of his words. It felt as if I was standing in a giant, muffled bubble with the world just passing around me. I tried my best to keep calm and once I had managed that, it was an eerie type of calm. At some poing the rest of the kids had managed to end up in our room and Brandon went about assigning them tasks from the looks of it. It felt like a lifetime, but was only about five minutes before the paramedics were in our room taking care of Stef. Brandon had pulled me back out of the way so that they could work and was trying very calmly to answer all of their questions, although the fear present in his eyes was something that gave away his true feelings. He was such a brave young man and was there and doing his best to remain calm and collected through this emergency which was especially good considering that I wasn't doing a very great job. As Brandon pulled me into a hug, I managed to calm myself a bit more and the world started coming back to me slowly. I finally realized that one of the paramedics was talking to me.

"Ma'am, did she complain of a headache or feeling sick or anything else?"

"Uh, yes. She had a...a bad headache. She got hit in the head at... at work earlier today."

"Okay, well we are going to take care of her. Do you want to ride with us to the hospital?"

I really did, but I was also worried about leaving all of the kids after they had just witnessed their mother being carried out of the house, unconscious and on a gurney. I knew what this did to me, but I couldn't imagine what it was doing to them. They all looked scared. Brandon pulled away from me just long enough to nod and whisper that he would take care of everything.

"Yes, I want to go with you."

"Okay ma'am, please just follow me then," the paramedic said.

As I walked down the stairs following the paramedic, Jude was waiting for me silently at the door with a pair of shoes and a jacket for me. Despite being scared themselves, the kids still managed to be there for me when I was not able to be present myself. I heard the paramedic tell Brandon what hospital they were going to, and Callie handed me my purse. Next thing I knew I was siting in the front of an ambulance on the way to the hospital with my wife in the back and time appeared to be moving in slow motion. Fear was all that I knew in this moment. I love Stef more than life itself and I know that we have been fighting, but I can't imagine doing anything without her by my side and right now I am so terribly afraid that I might just lose her now.

It feels like a lifetime before we reach the hospital and the paramedics unload Stef. She is still unconscious and now I am really worried about her. They take her into the ER and I am right behind her, but as they make their way through the patient doors, I am stopped by a nurse. She want's the usual information, but all I want is to be there with my wife. She leads me over to a chair and hands me a clipboard with a mountain of paperwork on it. She is talking, but I am not hearing a thing. She must have realized just how dazed I was because I was finally brought out of it when she placed her hand on my shoulder and spoke again.

"It's going to be alright Mrs. Adams Foster. They are going to take very good care of your wife. As soon as the doctor knows something she will come out and speak to you. If you can just fill out this top sheet of paperwork, the rest can wait until later, but I do need this one for your wife's care."

After hearing that, I quickly fill out the one sheet of paperwork pertaining to Stef's medical history. I know that this needs to be done ,and I am grateful that they will let me fill out the rest after I know that Stef is okay.

"Thank you Mrs. Adams Foster. We will try to get you back to see her very soon," the nurse said as she started to walk away.

* * *

After having sat in the ER waiting room for what seemed like a few hours, but in actuality was really only about fifteen minutes, a young, redheaded woman wearing a lab coat appeared beside me.

"Mrs. Adams Foster?"

"Yes," I ask as I stand.

"My name is Dr. Carter, and I have been treating your wife. Why don't you go ahead and have a seat."

This cannot be good is all that is running through my head as I take a seat and the doctor sits beside me. She must sense that I am nearing panic mode now because after that, the next words out of her mouth surprise me.

"Your wife is going to be just fine," she says as I let out a very audible sigh of relief.

"She has a concussion and we were worried about her being unconscious for such a long period of time, but all of her neurological tests seem normal now. We are going to want to get a head CT and possibly an MRI to make sure that there is not a bleed somewhere, but she seems to be doing better. I am going to want to keep her here at least overnight and then we will have to see after we get the scans back. She definitely has a concussion and will need to be off of work for a while, but right now, I am not seeing any signs of a skull fracture which is amazing considering that she was hit in the head with a pipe. Do you happen to know if she saw a doctor or received any treatment after that?"

"No, I don't think she did. Wait, did you say she was hit with a pipe?"

"Yes ma'am. That is what she said. I can take you back to see her now if you would like. They will be coming to get her for the CT soon, but you are more than welcome to be with her until then and you can wait in her room while they are doing it."

"Thank you very much Dr. Carter."

* * *

Right now, I am a little bit angry. How could Stef have omitted that small detail. When she said that she had been hit in the head, I thought that she meant that she had been punched. I can't believe that she didn't tell me. Luckily, as we rounded the corner, and I saw her laying there in that hospital bed, the majority of my anger dissipated. I was so relieved to see that she was okay. It is certainly one thing to have someone tell you that she was fine, but it is another to actually see it for yourself. As I walk into her room and Dr. Carter makes her way back down the hall, I feel the tears stinging my eyes. As much as I wanted to fight them, it was no use as they started to pour down my face.

I quickly made my way over to Stef's side. She had her eyes closed so I was expecting her to be sleeping. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard her voice.

"Hi Love."

"Hey baby. How are you feeling?"

"Kind of like I have been run over my by a truck, or at least my head has, but I am okay."

"Oh Stef, how could you not tell me about that?"

"What?"

"The pipe Stef, and yes, I know."

"I didn't want you to worry. Plus, I knew that you would drag me to a doctor."

"Yes I would have. So how did not telling me work out for you," I managed in a light-hearted manner.

"Not so well, babe," she attempted in a light-hearted manner as well, but then the tone turned quite serious. "Thank you for being here with me."

"Stef, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I love you so much."

"I love you too," she said as she reached over and pulled me closer.

For the first time in quite a while, Stef reached up and placed her hands on my face. She then initiated a kiss. It was a kiss that I think we both needed. It was love, compassion, caring, reassurance and most of all, one of comfort. I loved this woman and to now know that she was fine, was something that made my heart feel like it was going to beat out of my chest. I have always been afraid of losing Stef, but I know that our love will allow us to overcome anything.

"How are the kids babe?"

Oh god, I completely forgot about the kids. I can't believe that I did that.

A knock on the door was enough to bring us both out of our thoughts. A man came in and told us that he was there to take Stef for her scans and other tests.

"Uh, I am just going to check on the kids then Stef. I will be waiting for you when you come back."

"Okay, Love. Just tell them that I am okay, and that I love them. Also, tell them I am sorry that they had to go through all of this. I feel awful about it."

"Stef, you got hurt. It was an accident. You don't have to apologize about it okay. All they want to know is that you are okay, that is all any of us want okay."

I quickly kissed my wife before they took her for her scans and then I made my way out to the waiting room so that I could call Brandon. I hadn't expected to find all five of my children sitting patiently in the waiting room. Just watching the group sitting there together comforting each other was more than enough to bring a smile to my face. I am so glad that I get to go and tell them that there Mom is just fine now.


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Lena POV:**

After having had a chance to talk to the kids and assure them that their mom is just fine, I managed to get Brandon to take all of them home. I the found myself sitting in an empty room waiting for Stef to return. I don't remember the last time that I was so scared. Actually I do, it was the night that Stef was shot. I felt like my world was imploding. With everything that we have been through, it just seems like we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Stef had been returned to her room and we learned that she had a fairly bad concussion which resulted in her being stuck in the hospital for three days. That was over a week ago. After those three days, she spent the last week at home recovering. She still seems to be getting the headaches, but the doctors are hoping that they will resolve themselves. I have to admit, it has been really nice having her home and we seem to be getting along fairly well considering everything that has happened.

Today is the day that I don't want to come. After this past week, Stef is going back to work this morning. I woke up and found that she was already out of bed and in the shower. I decided to start the day with breakfast for everyone and decided on a shower later since I don't have to be in to work until this afternoon. When I finish the pancakes, I turn to see Stef standing there in her uniform looking just as good as the first time that I saw her in that uniform. She shows me a small smile, but any moment that may have been developing was quickly shut down by the line of kids entering the kitchen demanding breakfast. Since I don't have to work this morning, I decided that all of the kids should walk to school so that I can hopefully have a short, private moment with my wife. Luckily, it doesn't take them too long to get their food and get headed out the door. Once I have watched them walk away, I turn to see Stef still sitting at the table enjoying her breakfast. Just looking at her sitting there is enough to cause me to tear up.

I make my way over to the table and take a seat next to her. When she looks up, I am sure that she sees the tears clouding my eyes because she actually reaches out and takes my hand.

"Whats the matter love?"

"Its nothing, I'm fine," I attempt to answer, yet my voice decides to betray me at that moment and I know that Stef can see past any attempted facade.

"Lena, talk to me, I can see that you are clearly not fine," and with that the tears begin to fall.

"I am just worried about you. I can't stand the thought of not having you in my life and after last week, I don't want you to go back to work, especially not so soon."

By this point, I seem to be bawling and she climbs out of her chair only to kneel in front of me and take me into her arms. It is all I can do to take comfort in those strong arms that have been there to protect me for so many years. Although we are still in a rough patch, I find myself actually believing in how much she loves me. It doesn't have to be said, I can still feel it in everything that she does and especially through her touch and her comfort.

"Baby, I want you to listen to me. I know that things haven't been very easy lately and that things have happened in my job that make you uncomfortable and worried, but you know that this is who I am. It is who I have always been, and just because something happens doesn't mean that we can live in fear. I can't promise you what tomorrow will bring, but I can promise you that I love you and that I have no regrets. I will do everything I can to come home to you, and if I am unable to at some point, I need you to understand just how much I love you and that I will always be here with you. What matters in what we do today, and I promise you that I will be careful."

I find myself crying even harder at those words because I know how true they are. Once I am finally able to slow my tears, she releases her hold on my and wipes the errant tears from my cheeks.

"Lena, love, I have to get going, but I promise you that I will be careful. I will see you tonight. I love you so much."

With that, she placed kiss on my lips and stood. After watching her leave, I had a chance to think about everything that has been going on and what she said to me. She may still be mad at me on some level, but her love for me so clearly overshadows it that I know that we will get through this.

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

As I walk out the door on my way to work, I am able to understand just what Lena goes through every time I go to work. I know that my job hasn't always been easy for her to accept, but it has always been who I am. I hate the fact that what I do scares her so much, but it is something that I have to do. The only problem that I have is that now I find myself fearing for my safety a little bit as well. I just know that I can't let Lena see any of these feelings that I have though because they can only lead to more nervousness for her. I know that once I get back into my routine that everything will be just fine, but for now, I am just going to have to swallow whatever fear I might have and get back to work.

**Three hours later:**

I have been sitting at my desk for most of the day filling out paperwork, but I still have on hell of a headache. Unfortunately the doctors are less than helpful other than to tell me that this may be a side effect of the concussion and that they aren't sure when it will resolve if it does. I make my way out to the patrol car and find myself starting to relive the day that I got hit with the pipe. It is an interesting sensation to see one's own life on a completely different day passing in front of your own eyes. This is a different sensation than what I felt after being shot. I guess it is just the circumstances. The uniform and the patrol car just seem to bring back that day, and I remember that this didn't happen after I got shot. I went to the gun range a few times, and that is all it took for me to be comfortable again, but I think that after having been attacked it might take me a little longer to get back to being comfortable.

By one in the afternoon, I am feeling like death so I end up getting sent home. Maybe it was just a little to soon to return to work. It was just like living that day over again and between that and the massive headache I seem to have, it was just a bit too much for me. I don't want to risk worrying Lena so I decided to just go home and not bother her with the fact that I am going home early. I really don't want to have to explain to her what seems to be going on in my head. She is worried enough about me as it is and I am sure that these flashes will go away after I have a chance to get back into the swing of just being a cop. For now, I am just going to lay back and relax until I have a house filled with noisy teenagers.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I do not own the fosters.**

* * *

By the time that Lena arrived home, she noticed that Stef's car was in the driveway. Since it was only 4:30, she found it to be extremely odd since Stef was supposed to work until six. She quickly made her way into the house to see if Stef was alright, but in case she wasn't Lena was glad that all of the kids had stuff that they were doing after school. When she made it in the front door, there was no sign of Stef so she made her way up the stairs and into their bedroom. There she found Stef, still in her uniform sprawled across the bed in what seemed like a restless sleep. She made her way over to the bed and was nearly hit in the face as Stef startled away from what seemed like a very unpleasant dream. She was covered in sweat and panting rapidly. She immediately grabbed for her head which showed Lena that another horrible headache seemed to be present. As must as Stef tried, she was unable to hold back the tears that were pooling in her eyes. Lena immediately reached out and took Stef in her arms, just wishing that she could do something to take the pain away.

"Oh, baby, I wish you would have called me and told me that you weren't feeling well. I would have come home and taken care of you."

"Lena, there is nothing that could be done so there was no point in bothering you," Stef said, through the sniffles that were still present.

"Stef, you are never a bother to me and I would much rather be here making sure that you are alright than be anywhere else. Now lay back and I will go get you an ice pack. Then we will get you out of those wet clothes and into a shower."

Lena pulled away from Stef and quickly made her way downstairs to grab an ice pack for her head. She desperately wanted to say something about the nightmare that Stef was obviously having, but having been in a relationship with her for over a decade, she knew that Stef would only deny it. She decided that she needed to let Stef come to her, and she would be there waiting until she was. As she made her way upstairs, she heard the kids begin crashing into the house and quickly corralled them into the living room.

"Hey guys, I need you to keep it down. Mom has a bad headache and all of that noise isn't helping anything. I am going to go take care of Mom, so why don't you go ahead and order pizza," Lena said while giving Brandon money.

She then headed upstairs to find Stef sitting by the toilet after having gotten sick. She grabbed a cool, damp washcloth and held it to Stef's head while taking the blond woman in her arms. After she was sure that Stef wasn't going to get sick again, she sat her on the toilet which she turned on the water for a shower. She then did her best to quickly undress herself and Stef and got them both in the shower. There she held Stef up and washed her quickly. After finishing, she managed to get them both dried off and into some pajamas which seemed to be a minor miracle with the state that Stef seemed to be in. The doctors had told them that this could happen with a head injury, but neither had been prepared for something of this severity.

After about ten minutes, both women were in bed with Lena holding Stef close. She had finally fallen asleep after the shower and ice pack and Lena just laid there with her trying to provide what little comfort she could. After everything that they had been through, everything was starting to finally feel normal for her again. She didn't feel like she was walking on egg shells around Stef and for that she was grateful, but what she hated was that Stef had to get hurt so badly in order to let her back in.

When Stef awoke, she found herself lying in Lena's arms. She sort of remembered going to bed like this last night, but didn't really remember anything else. She then realized that it was after eight and she was really late for work. In her scramble to get out of bed, she managed to not only wake up Lena, but also to get extremely dizzy and fall right back into the bed. Luckily it was back onto the bed and not the floor.

"Stef, what's wrong?"

"I am so late for work; I have to go now."

"Stef, you are still pretty sick. I already called in and told them that you wouldn't be in today. You need some more time to rest and the Captain agreed. She gave you another week off so that you can have some more time to recover. Why don't you get back in bed now?"

After Stef crawled back into bed, deciding not to object and finally out of her rushed panic, another thought came to mind.

"Wait a minute, you are late for work also."

"I am not going to work until I know for sure that you are okay. I called in as well and took off the next week so that I could be home with you. You are not in great shape and I need to be here in case you need anything."

With that, a small smile appeared on Stef's face. She hated that she was apparently staying home for another week, but the fact that she was okay with Lena staying with her meant that they had gotten back to something closer than normal. Although she wanted to object to staying home and having Lena stay home with her, she knew that she felt awful and that it was really comforting to know that Lena was there when she needed her.

"I love you so much Lena. Thank you for staying with me."

"I love you to and I don't want to be anywhere else."

With that, Stef curled up next to Lena again and both fell back into a deep sleep. It was really comforting to know that they were back to a place of being able to just be with each other and how much of a relief that feeling really was.


	25. Chapter 25

**I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

The next week seemed to fly by. Stef and Lena both stayed home while Stef made and attempt to recover. Although she had taken time off, she was still suffering from the headaches and really just wished that they would go away. At least they seemed to be getting somewhat better. Now if only she could stop experiencing that day over and over in her mind, she would be just fine. It seemed like at least twice a night she would wake up after a nightmare about the ordeal. Tonight was yet another one of those nights, and just as she had for every night of the past week, she informed Lena that it was nothing and that she was fine.

Lena found herself getting more and more worried about Stef. Although she kept insisting that she was fine and that there was nothing going on, there was this cloud that seemed to be projecting around Stef and with one look into her eyes, Lena knew that there was something going on behind the mask that she held firmly in place.

It was finally the end of the week and Stef was supposed to be going back to work on Monday. That meant that they at least had the weekend together as a family and she thought that it would be a good idea for them to get out and do something together before everyone had to return back to work and school. As she made her way downstairs, she found herself running into Jude who happened to be the only other person in the house that was actually awake which really surprised her.

"Hey baby, what are you doing up so early?"

"I just couldn't sleep. Do you want some help with breakfast?"

"I would love that. What do you say about maybe going to the park for a picnic this afternoon?"

"That sounds like fun. Is Mom up to it?"

"Yeah, I think she would be, it would do her some good to get out of the house for a little while."

With that, they went on to work on breakfast and all of the things that they would take on their family picnic.

**Stef's POV:**

When I wake up, I find that I am alone in the bed. I could have sworn that I felt Lena lying next to me, but it must have been my imagination. At least that was much better than reliving the other day as I have been all night, every night. I hate that it keeps happening. I don't know why it is, it wasn't really like this after I got shot. It seems like the only difference between these two events is the fact that for this past one, I was actually on duty and doing my job as a law enforcement officer rather than a mom. I hate the fact that I keep seeing it happen as if I am simply a bystander for a slow motion movie.

I decide that it isn't worth sitting here and worrying about so I get out of bed and make my way towards the shower. When I am finally done, I feel a bit more refreshed. The lack of sleep that seems to be following me is at least somewhat brushed away by the hot water washing over my body. I make my way downstairs after getting dressed and find Lena and Jude working away in the kitchen. Lena is making pancakes and Jude seems to be gathering things and putting them in the picnic basket that we had out in the garage.

As I make my way into the kitchen, Lena turns and smiles at me. That in itself is conveying the massive love that she seems to have for me. After everything that we have been through in our lives, I had never seen that there was a potential for her to find someone else that she thought she could love. I guess that is not what she says it is, but I am still not convinced that there wasn't something that she felt for Monte. I luckily catch myself early before I walk down this path again in my mind. I don't want to think about what may have been or what could have happened. All I want to think about is how much I love my wife and how much she has shown that she cares about me in the past few weeks. I know that one of these days, I am going to have to let the whole thing go, but I am not sure how soon that will be.

In the meantime, Lena informs me that we are all going to go to the park and have a picnic today which sounds like a great idea. It has been too long since we have been able to go and do something like this as a family. Everyone is always so busy that we have a hard time keeping up with each other and anymore that goes for seeing each other as well.

**Stef's POV:**

We finally make it to the park after a fairly action packed morning of bickering and whining teenagers. It is nice that they finally seem to be getting along and that we are all able to eat together and enjoy this beautiful day. The kids have brought some games to play after we get done eating which I think is a wonderful idea and they will hopefully manage to run off some of their extra energy.

After tearing through the sandwiches in what seems like it should be a record amount of time, all of the kids are running around tossing a Frisbee. I am sitting under a tree with Lena by my side and it actually feels right. I reach out and take her hand and just hold it. We have always had this undeniable connection and I can still feel that today even after having been together for over a decade. She is certainly the light of my life and after the last few weeks, she makes me feel comfortable and taken care of. Eventually I decide that I want to grab another drink from the cooler and find that all of the kids have drug out a baseball bat so that they can play a friendly game amongst themselves. I watch as they all find their positions and can't imagine having a better family. Unfortunately, about the time that I reach down for another drink is the same time that Brandon hits the ball with the aluminum bat, emanating a great cracking noise. I am pretty sure that I drop whatever is in my hand and the next thing I know all I can see is blood and I am back to where I was before after hearing a similar cracking noise. I feel a sharp pain in my head and my vision blurs, I can't think. I can't breathe. The world seems to be spinning and I feel like I am falling. Falling from where I am standing, yet I cannot feel my body. The world and everything around me seems to fade into darkness.

**Lena's Pov:**

I was sitting there watching the kids play and when I looked up, Stef was nowhere to be found. I looked over where we were picnicking and there was no sign of her. I start to wonder if she went to the bathroom, but I didn't ever see her leave. I look over towards the kids and find that she is nowhere to be seen there either. Now I am starting to panic a little bit, but I can't imagine that she has gone too far. I make my way to the ladies room and find that she isn't in there. Next thing I know, I am asking the kids if they saw her, but none of them even noticed that she moved because they were so caught up in their game. Now nothing but fear manages to fill my blood and I find myself frantically looking around for her. All I know is that I am scanning the entire park and my wife is nowhere to be found.

* * *

**AN:**

I hope that everyone is enjoying this so far. I had originally planned on this going in a fairly different direction but once I got started writing again, it just flowed in another. I am looking forward to any ideas that you may have and I can't wait to here what you think about the story. As always, thanks for reading.

Endevour


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: I do not own the fosters.**

* * *

**Stef POV: **

I am numb, yet I can still feel the sharp pounding in the side of my head. In fact it seems to be the only thing that I can feel. I can't see and I can't breathe. I look around and all I see is a blur before I feel like I am hitting the ground. This feeling seems to go on forever.

Next thing I know, I am finally catching my breath and the fog seems to clear from my vision. I still feel the pounding in my head, but it seems more manageable now. When I look around, all I see are people. It seems like hundreds of people and I finally begin to realize that I have no idea where I am. It seems like a shopping mall, but I don't have any recollection of being here before, and I certainly don't remember coming here today. I start to look around for Lena, but she doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight either. Again my pulse rises and I start to feel the panic rise in my chest. I don't know what to do, I don't know where I am, and I start to break down when I find that I don't know where my family is.

I am eventually able to pull it together and I start to look around for my cell phone. Soon I realize that I don't have it with me, but I do find my wallet, so I feel a little better. I decide to grab a cab, but instead I find myself giving the address of the station to the driver rather than the address of my house. After about twenty minutes, we arrive at the station and I pay the driver with the cash that I find in my wallet. A large part of me wants to go home, but another part of me resists. I know that Lena will be worried eventually, but I don't think that I can go home. The only thing that I seem to be able to think about is getting hit in the head with the bat. I know that it was a few weeks ago, but I can't seem to shake the thoughts. I feel as if I relived that event over and over again. I decide that I need some time to think about this so I grab another cab and have the driver take me to a cheaper motel not to far from the precinct. I only know that I need to be alone right now.

After checking in, I find myself sitting alone in the small room thinking. I cannot believe that I am reacting in this way, but all I know is that what ever happened felt just like that day. I could see the blood as if it were pouring directly off of my head and face and I could feel the splitting ache in my head. My vision disappeared and I felt alone and afraid. The next think I know is that I am sitting on the bed in this small motel room with tears pouring off of my face. I am afraid again and all I want is to stop the thoughts that are bouncing around in my head. I can't make them stop, no matter how hard I try. All I want is for them to go away, and so I find myself laying down on the bed and praying that I can stop remembering this. I just want to sleep and not have to think about this.

* * *

**Lena's POV:**

After being unable to find Stef in the park, I am in a complete panic. I am calling her cell phone but it is just going to voicemail. When I try it again for what seems like the hundredth time, I hear it start to ring next to the picnic basket. I am trying so hard to not show how scared I am as the kids gather around me to tell me that none of them have seem their Mom anywhere in the park. They were so helpful in trying to look for her after she disappeared, and I know that they are all trying not to show how scared they are. Its all the more reason for me to keep it together. It has been an hour and a half since I noticed that Stef was gone, so we gather all fo the stuff back together and start on our way home. As soon as we arrive, I start calling the station and Mike to see if he or anyone else has seen her. The unfortunate answer is that no, she hasn't shown up at the station or at Mike's.

I grab my keys and head to my car after reassuring all of the kids that everything is going to be just fine. I can still see their worried faces and I am even more upset by the fact that two of my children were abandoned and I can't offer them any explanation for their mothers disappearance. I have tried to file a missing person's report, but since she hasn't been gone for three days and there wasn't any sign that someone took her, the police have been less than helpful, even if she is one of their own. Mike and I have made a list of the possible places that she would go and so we each go in our different directions hoping to find that she has just wandered somewhere. I hate that I don't know what is happening and I am really scared now. I know that she has been having horrible headaches and all that I can think of is what if she is out there hurt? I don't know what I would ever do with myself if something happened to Stef. All I can hope for now is to find her, safe and well and maybe with some sort of explanation as to what happened.


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

It was around midnight by the time that Lena arrived home. She and Mike had been looking for Stef for hours and all she could do was worry. The kids were all in bed when she made her way inside and walked up the stairs. She decided to look in on the kids and found them all safely asleep in their beds. This worked to ease her mind just a bit as she continued to feel the strain of worry about Stef. It was not like her to disappear and since there wasn't any sign of foul play, the police had continued to insist that she must have just left the park. Lena couldn't imagine what would cause Stef to just leave without telling her family that she was doing so, but now that she had thought about it, Stef had been acting somewhat strangely in the last few days. Granted, she had always forgotten things, and more specifically where she put them, but it seemed as if that had been happening a lot more often lately.

Lena made her way into her own room just to find her heart nearly burst at the sign of the figure asleep on the opposite side of the bed. Stef lay peacefully asleep on her side of the bed and it was just to much for Lena. She made her way downstairs and to the couch just as the tears began to fall, shooting a quick text to Mike to let him know that Stef was home. Next thing she knew, she was waking up sometime around three, finding that she must have cried herself to sleep. She was so relieved that Stef was home and safe, but the entire afternoon and night had been filled with panic and worry about her wife. She wasn't sure what to do, so she made her way upstairs and slid into bed next to her wife. She really wanted to wake Stef and ask her what happened today, but she was just to tired so she decided that this could wait until the morning. All she could do was curl up next to her wife and know in her bones that Stef was actually home, safe and sound.

* * *

When the morning light came through the bedroom window, Lena found herself waking up to an empty bed. She listened very carefully, but didn't hear Stef in the shower or moving around in the room. Grabbing a robe, she went to look for her wife downstairs. The kids were all asleep with it being Sunday and after looking in on each one of them, she made her way downstairs. Arriving in the kitchen, she saw that it was just barely six in the morning and started to look around to see where Stef could have gone. As she made her way around the downstairs, she found herself getting panicked again. Did she just imagine Stef being there last night because she was so worried? There didn't seem to be any sign of her wife down here and so she made her way back upstairs to their bedroom with hopes of finding the slightest bit of evidence that she hadn't just imagined Stef in their bed last night.

When she made it upstairs, she found herself looking at their bed. Someone had most definitely slept next to her last night so now she could stop questioning her sanity. Now all she had to do was worry about where Stef was now as the sense of dread that she had felt last night made its way back into her gut. Since she was unable to sleep, she went back downstairs with a book. She took a quick look in the driveway and saw that both of the cars were there so obviously where ever Stef had gone, she hadn't taken a car. After all that had happened, Lena wanted nothing more than to sit and talk to Stef or to at least hold her in her arms for a while, but after seeing that Stef had come home after she had disappeared yesterday, she knew that she had to have faith that Stef would be back. Until then, she would just sit hear and try to read her book while she waited.

* * *

A loud noise was what woke her from a somewhat restless sleep. As her mind began to put together where she was, Lena realized that she must have fallen asleep sometime while she was waiting for Stef to return. Her groggy brain finally registered that loud noise to be the sound of the front door and next thing she knew, she was up and looking at her wife who had just wandered through said door.

Stef stood there looking at Lena with an uncomfortable look on her face. She hadn't expected to find her wife waiting for her. She had simply planned on avoiding Lena until she was able to come up with a reasonable excuse as to what had happened yesterday. She couldn't seem to find one and as it bombarded her sleep, she decided that it was not worth the effort to attempt sleep anymore, so she got up and decided to take an early morning run. Now she was standing here, dripping with sweat and getting cold from the cool morning air, all while looking at her wife who had the most worried and concerned look on her face that she had ever seen. Stef had no idea what to do. Before she could register a course of action, Lena was holding her in her arms in one of the fiercest hugs that she had ever received and she could hear the soft sobs coming from her wife. She didn't know what to say or do so she simply found herself returning the hug and trying to comfort her wife.

* * *

A matter of minutes passed, but they seemed like hours. Stef finally untangled herself from her wife.

"Stef, where have you been and what is going on," Lena managed to get out, though her voice was raspy and cracking from all of the emotion running through her.

"Lena, its nothing. I just went out for a run. Speaking of which, I really need to take a shower."

"Stef wait. We need to talk about this. Where did you go yesterday. I looked up and you were just gone. What is going on with you that you would just leave like that without so much as a word. I was worried sick about you. I spent the entire evening looking for you and when I had finally given up for the night, I come back here to find you asleep in our bed. What is going on?"

Lena's voice had taken on a slightly sharper tone which struck Stef. The last thing that she wanted was to make Lena worry, but she didn't know what was going on. She had no idea how she had gotten to that place or why she couldn't go home until later. Frankly, she didn't even remember going home. She sort of remembered the motel room, but the rest of the day was just sort of a blur. Now she had no explanation and she certainly couldn't explain it to Lena until she understood it herself, so she quickly kissed her wife on the lips and went to take her shower as if nothing had even happened, leaving a stunned Lena standing there in the living room.


	28. Chapter 28

AN: Sorry that it has taken so long for me to update. Things have been crazy and I am still trying to figure out where I want this story to go. It has far exceeded my original thought and taken on a mind of its own. As always, ideas and comments are greatly appreciated and help out when I reach that sticking point. Thanks for reading.

**Disclaimer: I do not own the fosters.**

* * *

After Stef went to shower, Lena finally managed to snap herself out of the trance that she seemed to be in. This was completely shocking her that her wife was now just disappearing and then brushing her off like it was nothing. She decided that she needed to do something productive until she could get Stef alone and talk with her so she decided to start on breakfast.

Forty-five minutes later, Lena was standing in the kitchen with cinnamon rolls, french toast and bacon along with all of her children. It was shocking that they were all up by nine o'clock since it was Sunday, but Stef had been missing.

Brandon was the first to ask the question, "Did Mom come home?"

"Yes B, she was here when I got home."

"Is she okay, she doesn't usually vanish like that," Callie noted.

"Babies, she is fine, I think she just needed some time alone, but she is alright. She's home now and that's all that matters so I don't want you to worry okay."

After a bunch of okays, they were all sitting down at the table to eat when the kids began to look around when Jude asked "If Moms home, where is she?"

"Baby, I think she is still sleeping. Why don't you guys get started on breakfast and I will go check on her."

With that, the kids began to dig in while Lena made her way slowly up the stairs, unsure of what she would find. She knew that something was going on with Stef, but she was being shut out and although they had agreed to keep each other in the loop and not to keep secrets, she knew that it was going to take some prying on this matter before Stef decided to keep that promise. Stef was certainly one of the most stubborn people in the world when she wanted to be and she was known for not leaning on anyone which made it all the more difficult to break down her walls and get her to let Lena in. At least for the time being, the kids were eating and hopefully that would leave Lena enough time to corner Stef and get her talking. That was all she could hope for at this point, but she knew that she had to try since Stef was really starting to scare her.

* * *

After reaching the bedroom, Lena realized that Stef was in the bathroom when she heard the shower running. She was wondering if Stef had just gotten in, but since it had been so long, she opened the door to check on her wife, hoping that everything was fine. What she found made her heart start to race. The shower was running, but Stef was still fully dressed, sitting on the floor just staring off into space. She made her way over to her wife who seemed to be completely oblivious to her presence and gently placed her hand on Stef's arm, causing her to jump a little when she came out of her trance.

"Stef, baby what's going on? Are you alright?" Lena asked with nothing but concern in her voice.

Stef managed a small, yet sad smile as she looked at her wife. Lena looked so concerned, but Stef didn't want to have this conversation yet because she still couldn't explain what was going on.

"I'm fine, Love. Everything is fine," she said as she stood up and began undressing.

Before Lena had a chance to even respond, Stef was getting in the shower. Lena had never seen Stef like this. She knew that something was wrong and that Stef was hiding it, but Stef had never acted this out of it before. Lena had no idea how to approach the subject with her wife, so after snapping out of her own trance, she made her way out of the bathroom and shut the door.

She then found herself sitting on their bed waiting for her wife. Sometimes Stef needed someone to corner her and pin her down in order to figure out what was going on in her head. Lena didn't like seeing her wife like this. Stef looked broken, and there was something that really wasn't right, but she wasn't about to admit it to anyone. Lena wondered if the head injury had something to do with the way her wife was acting, but surely if she was still having issues around that she would come to her, wouldn't she?

Lena continued to think about all of the questions racing around her head as well as Stef's strange behavior. She was at a loss as to what to do so she simply waited for her wife. She would wait, and then she would sit Stef down and get her to open up. That was her new plan. Now all she had to do was wait.

* * *

Eventually Stef made her way out of the bathroom. She had done everything she could to take just a little bit longer, knowing that Lena would probably we waiting to talk to her after finding her in that state. She slowly made her way out of the bathroom seeing that she knew her wife so well. Lena was sitting on the bed with a book, but the book was immediately put down the second Stef opened the door. Taking a deep breath, Stef tried to put her professional mask in place so she wouldn't have to deal with this just yet, but that was just when the questions started.

"Stef, please sit down for a minute. I need you to tell me what is going on, and please just tell me the truth."

After taking a deep breath, Stef took a seat on the side of the bed and did her best to avoid any direct eye contact.

"Lena, there isn't anything going on. I'm fine. I am just a little tired. I guess I got a little distracted when I went to take a shower, but it was nothing Love."

"Stef, I know that something is going on. I just wish that you trusted me enough to talk to me about it. I know that you have been having a hard time, but these disappearing acts that you have been pulling are not like you. I was so worried about you yesterday when you just vanished. The kids were scared to death and I didn't know what to tell them because all I know was that I looked up and you were gone."

Lena's voice was beginning to crack and she was on the brink of tears, but she had to keep going.

"I know that you wouldn't just abandon us, or at least I hope you wouldn't, but it wasn't fair for you to just disappear. I was scared and I spent all day and most of the night looking for you and having no idea where you could have gone. I was so relieved to come home and find you hear, but then I felt that same fear when I woke up to find you gone."

By this point Lena had tears streaming down her face and Stef's heart was breaking. She didn't know what she could to to make her wife feel better, so she quickly wrapped her up in a hug that was gladly reciprocated by her wife.

"Lena, baby, I am so sorry that I scared you. I never meant to. I just couldn't sleep this morning so I went for a run, I never meant to upset you. I am just tired and a little stressed I guess. I don't want you to worry about me ever leaving because nothing could ever make me leave you or our babies. I will always be here for you and them. I hope you know how much I love you. It is more than I ever thought I would be able to love someone. You make me complete, Love."

Stef felt tears stinging her eyes and hated to still be keeping something from her wife, but she vowed to herself that she would tell Lena everything as soon as she figured it out. For now, she hadn't really lied to Lena, she was tired and very stressed, but all she needed was some time and then she would be back to herself.

"I love you too, Stef. I always have and I always will. You are the light of my life and I just want to help you, so please just let me help you."

"Okay my Love. I promise things will be okay, I just need a little time to relax and unwind. Don't worry about me disappearing again. I will make sure that it doesn't happen again."

The two women stayed in their embrace for a while longer before parting. Lena decided that she should go check on the kids, and then she realized that Stef was grabbing her wallet and keys. She must have looked worried because when Stef turned around, she stepped forward and placed a reassuring hand on her arm.

"Don't worry love, I just need to run a few errands. I will be home soon."

With that Stef kissed her wife and made her way downstairs and out the door. Lena went to check on her kids hoping that Stef really was as alright as she kept insisting and that she would be home soon. Tomorrow she would be returning to work and all Lena wanted was to spend some quality time with her wife and hopefully help her through whatever she was going through.


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef POV:**

I make my way out into the driveway unsure of exactly where I am going to go. I know that I should have shared what is going on with Lena, but it is really hard to me to make sense of and I don't want to worry her. Yesterday was weird. I didn't plan on going on the picnic just to disappear, and all I can think of are Lena's words running through my head. I never meant to scare her or any of my babies. Hell, even I was scared. That sort of thing has never happened to me before and I don't know how to handle it. Since I don't know where I want to go, I just decide to get into the car and start driving.

I am trying so hard to come up with an explanation, but one doesn't seem to be there. Next think I know, I am at the pier. I end up making my way over to a bench and just take a minute to sit and look out into the ocean. Eventually I let myself remember the events of the day before.

I just went to get a drink, that was all that I had planned on doing. After hearing that cracking noise, I felt that pain in my head and saw the blood. I felt myself falling, but it was like it was happening and I was observing from some strange vantage point. I had never felt so disoriented in my life. I hadn't expected to feel the way that I did that day. It was like what I felt when I passed out in the bathroom after making my way home. It was such a strange feeling. The next thing I knew, I was standing in what looked like a mall. There were people all around and I felt the same confusion as before, but I had no idea how I had gotten there. It was so strange that I didn't know what to do. Luckily I had my wallet on me, but I must have left my cell phone somewhere since I couldn't manage to find it so that I could call Lena. I felt so dazed that I barely knew what was going on while I took a cab ride to the precinct and then to the motel nearby. I barely remember checking in and the next thing I knew I was waking up in a motel room. Why did this all have to be so confusing. Why didn't I call Lena? Why didn't I tell the cab driver to take me home?

I hate this feeling of not knowing those answers. I feel like I am no longer in control. If I had stayed home, I may have finally broken down and told Lena everything. What would she think of me. I don't even know what to think right now.

After taking a deep breath, I decide to take a few more minutes to just look out on the water. I want things to go back to normal, but it doesn't really seem like that is very likely to happen. I don't know what is going on with me and I still feel out of control.

* * *

An hour or so has passed and I find myself still sitting in the same spot. I finally feel a little more relaxed, but I don't know how long that will last. I think I have finally come up with a solution that will make things a little better. I pull out my wallet and search for the small card that I know I stuck in there awhile ago. Finally I found it and dialed the number listed on it. After a few rings, a female voice answered on the other end of the line.

"Hello."

"Hi, its Stef. I am sorry to be calling you on a Sunday, but I have something that I really need to talk to you about. Is there any chance that I could see you sometime tomorrow?"

"Sure, I can meet up with you around 1:30 tomorrow if that would work."

"That would be great, and thanks."

"Anytime, I will see you then Stef."

I am finally starting to feel a little better. Maybe with some help, this thing will all be sorted out. For now, I get up and start to head home. I don't see any reason to mention this meeting Lena, but I will tell her later after I know something more. I don't want to make her worry anymore than she already seems to be.


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Lena's POV:**

After checking on the kids, I decided that I would try to read a little and get my mind off worrying about Stef. I know that she is holding back, but I think that she will let me in as long as I am here to support her. It hasn't been the greatest year with everything that has gone on and I think that she still has some trust issues no matter how hard she tries to deny it. I don't want her to feel like she needs to keep everything bottled up and to herself. She has always had a hard time letting people in and I noticed that she very much reverted back to the person who never let me in when we were first dating after this whole Monte debacle. I still feel horrible about it, but I want her to know that it didn't change a thing about the way I feel about her. I want to be here with her and only her. Now if only she would let me in fully, we may be able to get back to some semblance of normal. For now, I just want to take my mind off of everything and curling up with a good book has always been a way for me to do that.

* * *

It has been a few hours since Stef left, but I am trying to give her some time to process everything. Just as I am getting ready to call her and make sure that everything is alright, I hear the front door open. I am trying to give her some space so I stay in bed with my book. Maybe she needs to come me in order to let me in. When I hear her walking up the stairs, I start to think that this was the right course of action. I hear the bedroom door open and look up from my book to find my beautiful wife carrying a beautiful bouquet of roses.

A smile appears on my face as she makes her way towards me. She comes over to my side of the bed and gently kisses me before presenting me with the flowers.

"Hey baby, I just wanted you to know that I am really, really sorry for scaring you yesterday. I never meant to and I hope that you aren't still mad. I love you and I want to make you happy, not worry you."

"Stef, I was never mad at you. I love you and I was just worried about what had happened to you. Its not like you to just disappear without so much as a word. I don't want to lose you and that fear that I felt yesterday was something that I never want to feel again. You are the love of my life and I can't live without you."

"I feel the same way Lena, and I am so sorry. I am going to make sure that nothing like that ever happens again. Is there any chance that there might be room for one more in that bed?" Stef asked with a shy smile.

"For you Stef, there is always room. By the way, thanks for the flowers. They are beautiful, just like you."

After Stef crawled into bed with me, we just laid there together for a while. It felt just like old times, and like things were normal again. I know that things are not always going to be great, but I want to be with Stef through the good and the bad. For now, I am just content to hold her in my arms and spend time just being close.

* * *

We must have dozed off for a while because I woke up after hearing what sounded like groaning. Glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was already four in the afternoon. I then realized that the groaning sound I thought I imagined was coming from Stef. I looked over at her and she was grasping her head. I know that she has been having some pretty severe headaches after everything and so I tried to wake her gently. Once she was awake, I was able to ask her what was going on and sure enough she seemed to have a bad headache.

I made my way downstairs to get her an ice pack and some water when I ran into Brandon.

"Hey B, Mom's got a pretty bad headache, so why don't you guys order some pizza tonight. I am going to go back upstairs and stay with her, alright."

"Okay, Mama. I will get everyone together and we can watch a movie quietly or something so that no one is bothering Mom."

"Thanks Brandon. I appreciate it. I will get you some money."

I made my way back upstairs, getting the ice pack on Stef's head and getting some pain killers into her before taking Brandon money for dinner. I decided that maybe we should also watch a movie., knowing that one thing that always made Stef feel better was curling up in bed with a movie. Since she was feeling so bad, I decided that we needed one of her favorites so I grabbed Young Frankenstein as well as City of Angels.

When I made it up to the bedroom, it was decided that we would watch City of Angels first and then hopefully her head would have eased up enough for her to laugh her way through Young Frankenstein.

After the pizza arrived, B brought up a couple of pieces and we continued on with our movie night. As I watched my beautiful wife enjoy the movies and the pizza, I realized just how much I missed this time that we used to spend together. I wished that she had felt better so that she could enjoy this more, but if she was feeling better, we probably wouldn't have had this opportunity. For now I was just glad that things felt normal now. We really needed to take more time for us and I find that I am even more committed now to making these moments with my wife happen. I am glad that she seems back to herself and now I get to see her face light up as she starts laughing at Young Frankenstein. Yeah, I really could get used to having more of these moments.


	31. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Lena's POV:**

I woke up to find Stef finally sleeping peacefully. Looking at the clock, I realize that it is only 5:30 in the morning. No one has to get up until at least six so I take the time to just watch my wife sleep. After last night, she seems more relaxed than she has been in a while. Her headache finally seemed to resolve itself for the most part and she was actually able to enjoy the movies. I was so glad to see my wife back. The one that I had before everything started falling apart. For now I am just so happy that I can watch her sleep. It's something I used to do a lot of, but now with the kids and everything that seems to be going on all of the time, it was a habit that I seemed to not do much anymore.

After just laying there for half an hour, I finally got the courage up to wake Stef even though I really didn't want to. I did however want her to be able to have a hot shower so it really was necessary before any of the kids got up and going. In a house of seven, first in the shower meant hot water.

As I gently woke my wife up, she did something that she hadn't done in a long time. She took my hand and laid kisses on my palm and continued to kiss her way up my arm, eventually pulling me down for a nice morning kiss. That is yet another thing that I hadn't seen happening any time recently. That was the way that she used to wake me up or greet me in the mornings when we were first together. I guess a lot of things get put on the back burner when you have kids and work to take care of.

As much as I wanted to spend the entire morning in bed with her I knew that we both had to get going.

"Baby, you better get up so that you can get a shower before the kids use all of the hot water."

Groaning slightly, she finally made her way out of bed. Before making her way into the bathroom, she made her way over to me and kissed me gently on the lips. I know that a smile was glued to my face. This intimacy was something that I really missed, and judging by the look on Stef's face, she missed it to.

I made my way downstairs to start the coffee and breakfast while she showered and got ready for work. Soon I was surrounded by hungry teenagers and spent the rest of the morning getting them ready and off to school. Luckily I had a meeting this morning so I didn't have to been into the office until 9. After ushering the kids out the door, I had a quick bite to eat with Stef before she had to leave for work. It was kind of nice for it to just be the two of us. She looked so much better, kind of like the stress had finally evaporated.

Eventually the moment that I wasn't looking forward to came; it was time for her to leave for work. I was still a little worried about her, but I was glad that she seemed better.

"Hey honey, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure Love, what is it?"

"Can you call me at lunch and let me know how its going?"

I remember asking her this same thing when she went back to work after being shot. It was just something that I needed to assure myself that everything was alright, that she was alright.

"I will my Love. I better get going."

She leaned in an kissed me several times. It really seemed like we were making progress and I finally allowed myself to feel better about where we were.

"I love you Stef. Be safe."

"I love you too Lena. I will see you tonight."

With that, she made her way out the door and I went to get ready for my day.

* * *

Lunch time had finally come around. I was waiting to hear from Stef and really hoping that she would call soon. Just as that thought crossed my mind, my phone started ringing. Sighing with relief, I answered the call from my wife.

"Hey Honey, how is everything going?"

"Its alright. Sorry I can't really talk, but I wanted to give you a quick call. I hope your day is going alright."

"Its been filled with meetings so I guess if you like meetings its great. Well, I'll let you get back to work. I'll see you tonight. I love you."

"I love you too, see you tonight."

Despite the short conversation, I was feeling much better knowing that Stef was safe. After finishing my lunch I ended up diving right back into work.

* * *

It was around a quarter to two when I realized that I had forgotten to ask Stef what she wanted for dinner. I had a quick minute so I decided to give her a call. The strange thing was that her phone kept going directly to voicemail. Thinking that her battery had just died, I decided to call Mike and see if he was with her. They had been working together as partners most of the time for the last year so I figured there was a descent chance that I would get ahold of her. Mike answered the phone almost immediately.

"Hey Lena, whats up?"

"Hi Mike, I was just wondering if Stef was with you? I have been trying to call her but her phone is just going to voicemail."

"No, she not with me. I thought she was with you. She said that you two were having a late lunch together."

"Oh, um, she isn't here yet," I say completely confused. Stef never mentioned anything about coming for lunch and when I did talk to her, she said that she couldn't talk.

"Well, she left about 25 minutes ago. She should be there shortly, maybe she's stuck in traffic."

"Yeah, that must be it. Thanks Mike."

"Anytime. Bye."

"Bye."

I had no idea what to think. I had already eaten and we had most certainly not make plans for lunch, I would have remembered that. Plus Mike said she left 25 minutes ago, it takes maybe ten to get to the school. I don't know what is going on, but this is really strange and I am not sure if I should be worried or mad. I guess I will have to talk to her about it when she gets home.

* * *

After what seemed like hours of meetings, I managed to get back to my office. It was around 3:30 and luckily I got to go home soon. My phone started ringing and I saw that it was Stef. I decided to answer it. There was obviously some sort of explanation as to what was going on, I just needed to ask her. I decided that may be an in person conversation, so I just went ahead like I knew nothing about her leaving work.

"Stef, what's going on?"

"Hi love, sorry I missed your calls. Mike and I were filling out mountains of paperwork and I must have sat my phone down and didn't realize that it was dead. "

"Oh, okay. I just wanted to see what you wanted for dinner. I was thinking about making chicken alfredo."

"That sounds really good Love. Are you off soon?"

"Yeah, I should be out of here in about an hour. Are you going to get off on time?"

"That's the plan. I will see you soon. I love you."

"I love you too."

After hanging up the phone, all I could think about was how strange that conversation was. Mike says that she was going to lunch with me, and she is telling me that she was working on reports with Mike. Something isn't adding up here and I really would like to know what it is. I guess I will just have to talk to her when she gets home. Until then though, my mind is racing with what could really be going on. I guess I'm not going to get too much work done before going home.


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: Sorry for the delay in updates, things are quite hectic and I am still suffering from a great deal of writers block. I hope to try and update once a week or so if I can keep the juices flowing. Thank you to all of you who have stuck out the long waits and are still reading, it means a lot. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef POV: **

The day seemed to take forever, I remember Lena waking me up and going into work, but once I was there the day just seemed to lag horribly. Mike wanted to stop at the bakery across the street from the station for lunch which sounded like a good plan, but I remembered that I had that appointment that I had to keep. That was the last thing that I wanted Mike to know about so I tried to politely decline his offer.

"Hey, why don't we do the bakery tomorrow. I think I am going to leave for lunch today."

"Stef, is everything alright, you almost never leave for lunch."

"Yeah Mike, everything is fine, I just think that it would be nice to go have lunch with Lena. We have been talking about it, but so far I haven't been able to get away so I think that today might be good considering how slow it is. I hope you don't mind."

A smirk came to his face. "Stef why would I mind if you ditched me to go have lunch with your wife? I mean seriously, I don't care. However, does that mean you two are getting along well again?"

"Okay Mike, you can stop prying, but yes, we are getting back to where we used to be. Just to make it up to you, lunch is on me tomorrow."

"Well, I certainly can't argue with that."

About that time, Mike pulled into the station and I got out of the patrol car and headed towards my own vehicle. I know that I shouldn't have told Mike that I was meeting Lena, but it was the easiest way out of the situation without questioning. I headed out of the parking lot and found myself out side a small building ten minutes later. I parked and then turned my phone off and left it in the car. There was no one else parked outside which I though was strange, but I went to the door and knocked. It was about that time that the door was answered by the one person that I really needed to see.

She greeted me with a smile that seemed contagious and I finally felt like there was hope. Maybe I really could get through this.

"Hi Stef, I'm so glad that you could make it. Come on in."

"Thanks," and with that I walked through the door.

* * *

**AN: Sorry I know that it was a shot chapter, but this one really needed to be in two parts. I think it will help everyone get back into the story as well as myself. I promise an update soon with the conclusion to this chapter and to answer any questions that my have arisen. **


	33. Chapter 33

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef POV:**

As I walk through the door, I am feeling nervous, but also a little relieved. I don't like what is happening. It is hard to explain, but having to relive that incident and deal with having my wife worried about me all of the time, I have to get this under control.

"Stef why don't you go ahead and have a seat. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Sure, that sounds great. Thanks for making time to see me, I really needed to talk to someone about whatever it is going on."

As she handed me a cup of tea, I found myself cradleing it in my hands. I don't even know where to start so I just start with a thank you for the warm, comforting beverage.

"Thanks Liz. I really appreciate it."

"Of course. Why don't you tell me what is going on Stef."

"Well, I don't really know. I was attacked a while back and got hit in the head with a pipe while chasing down a suspect."

"Oh wow. That sounds bad."

"It was. Now I have the wonderful headaches that don't ever seem to want to take a break, but that isn't even the worst part. Now I am starting to experience some other things that are really starting to scare me."

"What is is Stef," Liz asked me.

"Well, I don't really know how to describe it. I keep reliving the experience. I have horrible nightmares and sometimes I see it happening even when I am awake. The worse part is that I can't even tell that it isn't happening. It feels completely real, the pain and the noise and all of the feelings. I... I don't even know what causes it."

"Sometimes our brains have to give us a way to understand the pain that we are feeling. You said that you still get headaches right?"

"Yeah, thats right. Pretty much every day."

"Well that would make some sense if you are experiencing symptoms. You said you feel like you are reliving the experience exactly how it happened, including the pain and sensations that you felt when it originally happened. Sometimes we need a way to make sense of the physical pain and symptoms that we experience. That sounds like it may be a part of it, but I think there is something else going on too."

"What are you thinking?"

"Stef, I know you aren't going to like it, but you expereinced a trauma in your life. I think that you probably are suffering from some posttraumatic stress. It is quite common after such a traumatic event."

"Why do you think that, I am fine," I insisted. How could she think that I am suffering from posttraumatic stress. I mean yes, I am having some trouble, but it isn't like I have been stuck in a combat zone somewhere. It was just one event and I am not weak. I have to admit that I can't believe that she would suggest that. Apparently my face must have given a look into what is going through my head since Liz's voice was the next think to bring me out of my rapidly speeding train of thoughts.

"Stef, I think that you don't want to admit this to yourself, but you are having a difficult time and you are experiencing symptoms of posttraumatic stress. What other symptoms are you having, huh? I already know you are having flashbacks, what else is there, are you having panic attacks, or forgetting things, or are you generally jumpy around loud sounds?"

As much as I wanted to deny any of that, I seemed to be pinned down by Liz's gaze. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, I knew that she saw right through my facade.

"Well, I may have become disoriented at some point."

"What do you mean by disoriented?"

"Lena, the kids and I went to the beach for a picnic. I remember getting up for something to drink and the next think I knew, my head was killing me and I felt like I was being hit by the pipe again. When I had gotten through that, I found myself in a shopping mall without my wife or kids."

"What did you do next?"

"I didn't have my cell phone, but I found my wallet so I got a cab and had them take me to a cheap motel near the station. I didn't know how I had gotten to the mall and that was the first place I thought of to go."

"Why did you go there instead of home?"

"I wasn't thinking very clearly, but as frightned as I was, I didn't want to go home and have to face Lena. I don't know what happened so I went and got a room and ended up taking a nap. I woke up late and then took a cab back home. I didn't know what to do."

" That is certainly a cause for concern Stef, do you know what triggered your flashback?"

"I don't know, I think it was some sort of metal sound. I vaguely remember a loud crack, but anymore, I don't know if there is actually a sound or if I am just imagining it."

Unfortunantly, I must have let my guard down talking to Liz. I found myself with tears streaming down my face, partly because of being so scared about what is happening, and partly because I am so relieved that I can talk to someone about it.

"Well Stef, I think you are suffering from posttraumatic stress. That is something that can happen with this kind of think. Has it happened more than once, and more importantly, does Lena know about this?"

"It kind of happened one other time, but it wasn't really like the first time, and no, I haven't told Lena. She was so scared when I dissapeared and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what was going on. I didn't really know myself and I wanted to be able to understand it before I had to have a conversation with her."

"Okay. That is probably our starting point then. I think you need to have a conversation with your wife. She needs to know what is going on. I know that you want to appear as the strong one, but sometimes we have to let our guard down and accept some help. I think I should see you once a week and we can just talk about what you went through and how to get you back to where you were before this. In the mean time, I am going to give you a sedative that you can take before bed to help you get some sleep. With head injuries, the more you rest both your body and your brain, the better you will heal. I know that this sounds like a scary thing Stef, but I promise you, you are not alone and posttraumatic stress can affect anyone. I should know."

"Thanks Liz, I appreciate your help. I don't know if I can talk to Lena yet through. I don't think I can stand to see how terrified she might be, but since it sounds like you treat a lot of this, hopefully I will be able to get better soon and maybe even have that talk."

"Stef, I think you should take the time you need to have that converstation, but don't wait too long. This is best treated when you have support and I know that Lena would want to be there for you. In the meantime, I am here if you need anything. Why don't we meet again next week at the same time. If you start to feel panicked or if you suffer from another episode or flashback, I want you to call me. Here is my cell number. We will get you through this. It may be a long road, but you have people to walk it with you."

"Thanks Liz. I don't know what I would do without you."

With that, I walked out of the office. I feel a little bit better having been able to tell someone about what I have been going through, but I do have to admit I am a bit scared.

* * *

After working the rest of my shift, I found myself back at home. Lena was in the kitchen making dinner so I slipped in and kissed her while I had the opportunity to do so without an audience.

"Hey babe, how was your day?"

"You know Stef, long and full of paperwork. Speaking of which, how was all of that paper work that you had to do over lunch?"

"So much fun, my life at work seems to revolve around piles and piles of papers scattered across my desk. How long til dinner?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Okay babe, I am going to go take a quick shower before we eat. I love you."

With a quick kiss, I heard Lena say "I love you too," as I made my way up the stairs. I hope that I will eventually be able to tell her what is going on, but for now, I am going to just keep trying to wrap my head around it myself. I am also going to make sure that I spend more time working on us. We have suffered enough of a rift in the past few months to last me a lifetime.


	34. Chapter 34

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

Although Lena was curious as to what was going on with Stef and just really wanted to be let in, she decided that she needed to let it be for now since she didn't need to have a fight with Stef before dinner. When Stef came down, she seemed different. She seemed to be just like she used to and Lena was happy to see Stef interacting so much with their kids. It was a sight she had been missing.

After she finished cleaning up after dinner, she decided to go and talk with Stef. She made her way up to their bedroom to find Stef sitting in bed with a book. This was certainly how she remembered her wife. After closing the door, she quietly made her way over to the bed and climbed in.

"Hey Love, whats going on," Stef asked as she looked up from her book.

"I just wanted to check in. You seem like you are feeling better."

"I think I am. I still have a headache, but I am starting to get used to those. What's on your mind love?"

Even when she wasn't feeling well, Stef knew her wife.

"It's nothing babe. You just seem different and I wanted to know what was going on. I feel like we never have time to connect, so I decided to make some time," Lena said.

What happened next was something that Stef really hadn't expected. Lena leaned in to kiss her and next thing she knew, Lena was straddling her lap and things were getting heated at a pace that was something of the past for them. Lena reached in between them and started to remove Stef's night shirt but that seemed to be when things came to a screeching halt. Stef grabbed Lena's hands and successfully stopped any attempt to continue undressing her. Lena pulled away with a shocked look on her face that made Stef feel horrible.

"What's wrong Stef," Lena asked in a tone far harsher than she meant it to be.

"Lena, I just don't think I am up for it tonight. I am really tired, but I do want to ask you one thing."

Lena managed to compose herself long enough to consider that it really had been a long day for both of them and that maybe they should wait for a better time.

"What is it Stef?"

"Would you just lay here with me? I need to feel you close by."

"Of course my love, of course. You know that I would do anything for you and I want to feel you close as well."

With that, Lena found herself flinging off her day clothes in favor of her pajamas and then slid under the covers and in tightly next to Stef. Stef put her arm around her and pulled her as close as she possibly could. Together they laid with each other until they fell asleep that night. Lena finally felt like maybe things were going to get back to normal with Stef after all and just took comfort in the fact that it felt like her wife was back.

* * *

The next few weeks went on without incident. Things seemed to be trying to normalize between Stef and Lena as well as Stef and the kids. Overall, she seemed to be doing better but Lena didn't know what had brought on this fairly sudden change that was bringing her wife back to her. Stef continued her appointments with Liz once a week and that was helping, but what made it even better was that she and Liz were starting to get to know each other personally as well as professionally. Stef was shocked when she learned about Liz losing her wife and son, but it seemed to make it easier for her to understand that Liz actually knew what it was like to relive some horrible event over and over which seemed to contribute even more to there new relationship. For some reason, that seemed to make Stef feel better as well since she had someone else to talk to. It wasn't often that she had time to spend with friends between her work and family time, but she was starting to feel like the sessions with Liz were simply conversations between friends. The one thing she hadn't done was tell Lena about her meetings with Liz. She didn't really think it was necessary and Lena seemed to be happy that she was getting back to herself.

In addition to this, Stef and Lena seemed to be getting closer as Stef made every effort to work on her relationship with Lena. She made sure to call her throughout the day, and even did things like bringing her lunch and even flowers on occasion.

Stef had been slipping out of work once a week to see Liz and had attempted to avoid giving Mike a reason for all of her unexplained absences over her lunch hour. Mike got especially suspicious after Lena had said something in passing about Stef working during lunch so much recently. Mike felt like he needed to know what was going on with his partner so he decided to take a personal lunch break himself after Stef told him she was having lunch with her wife. He made certain that she wouldn't notice him following her and found himself outside of a small bistro. From where he was parked, he was able to see the small patio where his partner and ex-wife made her way over to a small table. What he saw next was something that he never expected. A smaller woman stood up to get Stef's attention and he found himself unable to believe that Stef had walked right up and hugged this woman. He wasn't even sure how to process what he was seeing, but one thing was for sure, the woman that his partner and ex-wife was hugging was most certainly not her wife. The only thing he seemed able to do was to pull out of that parking lot and head back for the station in a complete state of confusion. He never believed that Stef would cheat on Lena, but what he had just seen seemed to contradict that entire line of though. He had no idea what to do about this.


	35. Chapter 35

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.**

* * *

**Stef's POV:**

Things had been going really well and meeting with Liz had been really helpful. I actually seem to be starting to feel like myself. I can't believe that I hadn't noticed how bad things had gotten and after today's conversation with Liz, I think that I need to find a way to tell Lena what has been going on. I am not sure that it is just something that I walk up and tell her, but I will find a way soon. Plus I did promise Liz that I would sit down and talk to Lena within the next week or two. It just seems so hard to get things to work with all of the kids everywhere and everything that we have going on with work and life in general.

I am on my way back to work so I will just put this out of my head for a while and get back to doing what I need to do.

When I arrived back at the station, I found Mike sitting at his desk doing paperwork.

"So what's wrong with you, are you sick or something?" I joked as I walked in.

"Nope, not sick Stef. Just working."

I noticed that something was off with him, but since he didn't seem to want to talk about it, I decided to leave it alone. I sat down at my desk when he decided that we should go back out on patrol. At that point, a thought struck me.

"I will be ready in just a minute. I need to make a quick call."

"Whatever Stef, I will be in the car."

Shrugging off Mike's strange behavior and his shortness with me, I made a quick call to the florist near anchor beach and arranged to have a vase of red roses delivered to Lena. When I got off of the phone, I noticed Mike standing uncomfortably across from me at his desk, grabbing his sunglasses and making a run for the patrol car. Now I was really curious about what was going on with him since he never acted this way before.

* * *

**Mike's POV:**

First I see Stef with another woman, that was weird enough, now she is taking a minute away from me to order roses. I don't know what is going on, and I don't really know what to do about it. If I confront Stef and she is having an affair, I can't imagine that she would admit it, but what other possiblity could their be. I don't really have the heart to call Lena, because first off it would kill her. Secondly, if Stef isn't having an affair, that could end really badly as well. I think at this point, I am going to just start asking questions and see where they lead.

* * *

**Stef's POV: **

I found myself caught in a car with Mike for the rest of the afternoon. If I thought he was acting weird when I came back from lunch, I found out it was even worse now. He kept asking questions about how things were going with Lena and family life. I mean he has always asked about what was going on around the house and with with kids, but he seemed to be spending a lot of time asking about Lena and our relationships. I was starting to get a little frustrated with all of the questions.

"Mike what's going on? Did Lena say something to you about us or what?"

He looked completely shocked that I would ask such a thing.

"No Stef, of course not. I just know that things have been kind of stressful lately so I was just curious if things were getting back to normal or if you were still having some issues."

I didn't even begin to know what was going on. All I could think of was that Lena mentioned something to him. I know he is denying it, but I know that he would do that if I started to ask questions about it. Now I am more than confused since I thought things were going well between me and Lena.

"Mike, not that its any of your business, but things are just fine between me and Lena. Can we just drop it please."

"Fine, I just want to make sure everything is okay with you Stef."

The rest of the shift had an awkward vibe to it and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with Mike and why he was getting so defensive. I know I did eventually, but it really isn't his place to be asking all of these questions. For now I guess I am just going to have to have a conversation with my wife.

* * *

**Mike's POV:**

This turned out to be a very strange shift with Stef. She was acting really weird when I asked about how things were going. That was the kind of stuff we always talked about so I am not sure why she was getting so defensive. I don't know what to do, but I think the only option that I have is to call Lena.

"Hey Mike, what's up?" Lena answered.

"Uh, hi Lena, do you have a second?"

"Yeah, sure. Is everything okay?"

"I was just about to ask you that. What is going on with Stef?"

Lena sounded a little confused on the other end of the line.

"What do you mean Mike? I think everything is fine," she said.

"Have you noticed how strangely she has been acting? She keeps leaving at lunch and I thought she was going home to have lunch with you, but the other week you said that she was doing paperwork with me. I don't know what is going on, but she is starting to act kind of secretive and when I asked if she was alright today, she practically bit my head off."

"I guess she has been acting a little odd around the house, but I didn't notice that it was that bad. I will try to talk to her Mike. Thanks for calling though."

"Thanks Lena, I am just a little worried about her. She doesn't seem like herself, at least not at work. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

"Thanks Mike. Have a good evening."

"You too Lena."

After that call, I didn't know if I had done the right thing, but if anyone can get through to Stef its Lena. I didn't mention anything about seeing her with another woman because I don't want to worry or hurt Lena, but maybe she can get something out of Stef and she can get back to the Stef that we know so well.


End file.
